Sarah Jessica Parker

There is a myth that is being spread, every media outlet seems to be complicite in this lie. Namely that Sarah Jessica Parker, is a beautiful icon of our time, and not a skinny haggard poodle with a bleached coco pop stuck on her overly long ugly face.
Well let me tell you she is not beautiful, she is an actress who had a lot of sex with men in sex in the city, this is not real, in real life she would be what us chaps call, a mercy shag. You hang around with a bunch of attractive women and us men think it clever to chat to the ugly one on the basis that the fit one's probably get chatted up all the time, so the ugly one would be easy to pull. I would have let this lie, I have no beef with SJP but she has brought out a new fragrance and has had the temerity to call it Lovely and not only that but its full title is Sarah Jessica Parker Lovely (which is a bit like people who wrote "is ace" under their name any time they saw it written on anything in school and despite her being ugly and the fact I hate her, I kind of forgive her for being in D.A.R.R.Y.L.

C h i n g

ching ching ching. Ching ching ching ching ching.
Depending on the rythym of how you read the ching
will sound pleasing insane or non of those limited optons.
I am sorry I do not care, I just got the notion to write the word ching down.
Ching ching ching ching ching. In repetition I feel it offensive to call someone a ching, ching someones wife, ching with a chinger or even ching at the weekends without first chinging before hand.
ching ching ching, it is almost like a sing, but thsi ching is my ching and i am not chinging the way i feel. I feel like ching, ching is me, i think therefore i ching. Bill Clinton might use ching to get with the ladies.
Ching is the last word in this post. In fact one ching per-ching
C H I N G

Father Ted

Remember the episode of father ted where he waives at a window.
Please go get a black piece of paper and stick it on your monitor/
When did ross go all hitler?

Ran

This poem was originally in issue 5 of papercut magazine. It was inspired by a dream Stephen Hawking had hence it existing in audio format, as I tried to make it sound like his dream was so real that he was out of breath at the start and recovering at the end.

The sickness of green spitty chesty infections

I have got the sickness of the green spitty chesty infections
and when I blow my nose hardy gloop want to come out of my eyes.
SO I try and remain chipper until I cough and the old man in my chest wants to shout
yeeeeurch. And then I spit green to my teeth till I wipe it with my tongue on tissue and watch to see if its sticky or drippy. I drink the benilyn it says non drowsy, must be shit where is the drowsy stuff? I can't dribber like grandad without proper drugs and when cough cough my brain rattles ow ow that is just headache from shaky head vibrations. So snog me all, snog me one and spread the green spitty chesty infections to all the men and women in this gobs vacinity share my pain, and I promise when the green turns white and goes away I will let you know how great it is to run and drink and not wheeze like mutley and laugh like sidney james yak yak yak yak!

Golden Gate

"So then we all just sit here waiting for a boat, that is shit" said Al, it was not long since he had told us that the round the world trip looking for references to songs was not really working for him.
We had a party of fifteen who had paid us £60,000 each to do it and we had just arrived in San Francisco, and Al was pulling his face at the inspiration to Sitting on The Dock of the Bay which Otis Reading wrote three days before he died with one of Booker T and he was bored.

We still had to do the Frank Sinatra " I lost my heart in San Francisco" and the Scott McKenzie tune before we headed up to Seatle for the Nirvana tour which was the bit he was looking forward too.

"Are you pulling a face because you want to suck Kurt Kobains dead cock you cunt!" I offered by way of cheering Al up, I added "Fucking Otis Reading is a greater legend he used to come here when he had no money and dream about the glamour of these boats but you sit here all mard arsed saying you are bored I dont like boats I am a dick who moans all the time yadda yadda yadda"

Al retorted "Fuck you soul boy, Kurt was one of the greatest visionaries of the 20th Century and yes I am bored what do I and these people who paid us shit loads of money want to sit and watch a load of fucking boats they could do that in fucking Blackpool.."

"Ah" I interjected "They wouldn't there are no shipping lanes there just floating Ships and no dock and no fucking bay!"

Al ignored me "This is nearly as bad as the U2 treasure hunt when they had still not found what they were looking for, or when you locked them in that white room in surrey and told them to imagine for a bit, you are a pretentious cunt and you are making people pay money for shit"

"Al what do you fucking want me to do, I know everything about modern music and travel I was hardly gonna start a fucking greengrocers was I you dick munch, why dont you just fuck off to Seatle now, take them all I dont fucking care they wont learn dick when they are with you." I angrily retorted

"Alright" Said Al "Could all customers please board the bus, the tour will now move on to Seatle while dick boy over here goes to Height Ashbury to get his brain lobotomised and to see if there is an operation available where he can go fuck himself up his own fucking arse"

Its funny I have not spoke to Al since.

This is the borin bit of a blog, the so called Diary

I mean like no one gives a shit but...
I moved house in July, away from Chorlton into a luxury (cheapest house I could find) terrace in Clayton. Not too bad for getting into town (10-20mins on the bus) but not too good for meeting creatives and buying olives!

Anyway I thought I had settled down quite nicely until earlier this weekend, when I realised I had not really unpacked any of my stuff or even set up my record player, which is partly because my house only has one two point plug socket in each room!

Infact all I had done was set up my computers and set up my freeview and couch. So it was with much botheration that yesterday morning I decided enough was enough and finally unpacked. Books and papers and artworks came out of boxes and went into wardrobes that were rather hastily finished (I started one on boxing day and it just lay unfinished in the middle of my bedroom untill Saturday) and put in nice positions, clothes were picked up and put on hangers, carpets were hoovered (after I finaly replaced the flex after the woman in the shop told me the complete wrong way of doing it grrr) socks were paired and undies were sniffed and placed in the washing or in my new "I am always gonna put my duds in this draw" draw, and finaly I set up my record player and I have spent the last 6 hours playing every single record I bought since July, including two by a band I had never even bothered to listen too I just knew they were good, 3x7" sets from new order, and an Eric Satie album from the charity shop.

Now all I need is someway of storing all my thousands of records and CDs that are currently in the front lounge in something better than plastic boxes and to do a little light work downstairs and I reckon I might invite people round, on second thoughts that might be a bit of a stretch, I mean it could do with painting first, and then there is that damp patch and the gutters, might just invite people round who know about damp and have some big ladders.

Valentines Love Story about my Spider Shaped Monkey Knife

The spider shaped monkey knife I bought from Ikea lives in my kitchen draw.
I bought it a plastic shelf with sections and it has only left its home once.

Len Deighton was on TV telling us how he tought Michael Caine to make the perfect omlette in the film the ipcress file. I was amazed. So I went to my draw, and got the spider shaped monkey knife and stirred up some raw eggs and poured them in the pan to make this tasty treat. When I had eaten, I put the spider shaped monkey knife into my sink of hot water and soap. I cut the water with my spider shaped monkey knife into as many pieces as I could, or at least till my arm hurt so bad that it could take no more and when I glanced down I noticed well of white foam had built up. Bah! I thought, my spider shaped monkey knife has disappeared never to be seen again, so I ran to my lounge and got my Ikea catalogue out and looked at a picture of the spider shaped monkey knife and cried a silent tear, it seemed to get me through the night, although I had a strange dream about a Monkey Shaped Banana Spoon.

When I awoke the next day I went to my kitchen and looked in the sink, and there submerged in the clear water, what did I see, my spider shaped monkey knife had come back to me.

Abba

There is something odd, I listen to Abba and it pulls at something in my soul. It is not the music, that is fine and good and not so good, i think it is something in the songs, it suggests a time, a time just before I was aware of time, so every time I hear their songs I am dragged into this alternate abba world where I do not quite know how the rules work, punk or glam rock never do that, abba do and I don't know the words or how they were, or what was around them to influence them, the beatles belong to the sixties, yet I can justify their songs (apart from abbey road which has an abba factor too) and place them in a time a place and a moment even though I now nothing about it because I was not alive. So all in all. Abba make me cry, they make me feel like the leftover at the disco, the melancholic alcoholic looser who needs to smoke and walk up a mountain with the memory of tears pervading my very soul for the remainder of my life. And those very tears and despair make me love and feel zest as if their can be true emotional disturbance their can be joy, so reluctantly I put out my cigarette forget my sadness and dance and dance and dance on an empty dancefloor....there was something in the air that night.

What is a blog

A blog is somewhere you can write any old bollox and it is read by no one but yourself, a bit like a diary no one is interested in because generally you never have sex as if you did this is the last thing you would be writing/reading.

Scooldophile deffinition

Derivation pedophilie.
Mostly men late twenties to early fifties who hang around young children, school playgrounds etc., purely to groom children's parents carers or teachers for sex.

See US MILF

Wannabe Square Peg Paul Ross

The phrase wannnabe was invented by the spice girls to symbolise a new kind of street wise feminism (not necessarily) talented women being noticed and not beholden to the attitudes of men. A good example hotpants romance. Unfortunately this wannabe phrase has been adopted by TV's mr square peg himself Paul "I will do anything on TV" Ross. For fucks sake go on this morning and pretend to know all about Hercule Poirot, maybe amuse Phil Schofield with an impression, but man, for fucks sake, have some dignity. Where do you go from here, they are not gonna give you david suchets job, they wont even let you on freds weather map!
PS
It was too easy to do a mock up mastercard ad (also a bit too 2001)

Fact 5

Fridge has a D in it, Refrigerator gas no D in it. Weird

All you need is love

There is nothing u can say that can't be sung
Coz Im in a love that can't be wrong
Its easy
All u need is love

Sunday afternoons just getting drunk
Staggering home straight to a bunk
Its easy
All u need is love

A meeting of eyes in a crowded room
a nodd and a wink its so succinct
Its easy
All u need is love
***
love love sweet sweet love
love love sweet sweet love
Its easy
All u need is love
****
I've been with you so many times
you pick me up and i feel primed
Its easy
All u need is love

It aint a power game its trust and need
If i cut my arm I know you'll bleed
Its easy
All u need is love

So whats the next step I hear you say
Was it worth the strugle to find a better way
Its easy
All u need is love
***
love love sweet sweet love
love love sweet sweet love
Its easy
All u need is love
***
So as we go on a journey through this life
it gets me to thinking you're my wife
Its easy
All u need is love

All your answers seem to be simplified
because of mutual thoughts its all implied
Its easy
All u need is love
***
love love sweet sweet love
love love sweet sweet love
Its easy
All u need is love

Mr Guest - Road Safety song

mr guest mr guest

wrapped around his escort wheel
he fooled us with his sex appeal
mr guest mr guest

Driving up and down the street
crushing everybodys feet
mr guest mr guest

he thought it cool to drive so fast
now he only has a past
mr guest mr guest

so if your car is not going slow
you know where your going to go
like mr guest mr guest

operatically
he is dead

PodCast

Please subscribe to my podcast. Its experimental Art mixed with a heady mix of pure bollocks.
The first project is Soundtrack an attempt to recreate my journeys of February 03 2006 through to as many white headphoned peoples ipods as possible in the hope of creating a sound echo and hopefully making ipod users appreciate the sounds that happen all around us everyday.

I-tunes users, follow this link and and I Tunes should automatically find my podcast It is free and you do not have to register or anything.

If you use other MP3 clients these should be coming online in the next few weeks, simply search for jamjam23 or ben papercut.

I will endeavor to update the podcasts with challenging audio and video on a monthly basis.

The podcast is marked explicit, it is not rude it is just I often swear and shit (doh)

Soundtrack Part Three

Soundtrack Part Three Homeward Bound 29:58
This is the final part, homeward bound leaving the office and catching the bus home.


Soundtrack Project Full Details

On 3 February 2006, in response to an invitation received through the post on 2 February 2006 to take part in a distance artwork called

Soundtrack, I recorded elements of my day.

I converted these elements of my mundane life, going to work, going to the greengrocers at lunchtime, and going home into MP3's and

published them as podcasts, todays latest I.T. craze.

I then downloaded these podcasts from i-tunes to my i-pod and listened to them on Monday 6 February retracing my steps and attempting to

create my own unique sound echo.

With the files available to all for free via the internet I am in the process of encouraging more people to download my soundtrack via

i-tunes so they can create further echoes of my day and also to allow their own journeys to be soundtracked by my day.

---

Encouraging others to download the podcast is also an attempt to force my soundtrack to echo still further, onto the people you see

commuting trapped in the world of the white headphone.

Perhaps, if they appreciate the sounds they could naturally hear they might take the time to appreciate the sounds that occur on their daily

commute and record them for others to enjoy.

The soundtrack/podacst should be downloadable by searching jamjam23 in the apple music store.

Further info.
The project is purely digital as all the sounds were recorded using my mobile phone.

jamjam23
06 Feb 2006

Soundtrack is recorded in 3 parts


Soundtrack Part One Journey to work 35:01
Journey from my bedroom to work in Manchester City Centre

Soundtrack Part Two Greengrocers 20:16
Lunchtime, it starts at the greengrocers, and includes a chance meeting and a journey back to the office

Soundtrack Part Three Homeward Bound 29:58
This is the final part, homeward bound leaving the office and catching the bus home.

Soundtrack Part Two

Soundtrack Part Two Greengrocers 20:16
Lunchtime, it starts at the greengrocers, and includes a chance meeting and a journey back to the office

Soundtrack Project Full Details

On 3 February 2006, in response to an invitation received through the post on 2 February 2006 to take part in a distance artwork called

Soundtrack, I recorded elements of my day.

I converted these elements of my mundane life, going to work, going to the greengrocers at lunchtime, and going home into MP3's and

published them as podcasts, todays latest I.T. craze.

I then downloaded these podcasts from i-tunes to my i-pod and listened to them on Monday 6 February retracing my steps and attempting to

create my own unique sound echo.

With the files available to all for free via the internet I am in the process of encouraging more people to download my soundtrack via

i-tunes so they can create further echoes of my day and also to allow their own journeys to be soundtracked by my day.

---

Encouraging others to download the podcast is also an attempt to force my soundtrack to echo still further, onto the people you see

commuting trapped in the world of the white headphone.

Perhaps, if they appreciate the sounds they could naturally hear they might take the time to appreciate the sounds that occur on their daily

commute and record them for others to enjoy.

The soundtrack/podacst should be downloadable by searching jamjam23 in the apple music store.

Further info.
The project is purely digital as all the sounds were recorded using my mobile phone.

jamjam23
06 Feb 2006

Soundtrack is recorded in 3 parts


Soundtrack Part One Journey to work 35:01
Journey from my bedroom to work in Manchester City Centre

Soundtrack Part Two Greengrocers 20:16
Lunchtime, it starts at the greengrocers, and includes a chance meeting and a journey back to the office

Soundtrack Part Three Homeward Bound 29:58
This is the final part, homeward bound leaving the office and catching the bus home.

Soundtrack Part One

Soundtrack Part One Journey to work 35:01
Journey from my bedroom to work in Manchester City Centre

Soundtrack Project Full Details

On 3 February 2006, in response to an invitation received through the post on 2 February 2006 to take part in a distance artwork called

Soundtrack, I recorded elements of my day.

I converted these elements of my mundane life, going to work, going to the greengrocers at lunchtime, and going home into MP3's and

published them as podcasts, todays latest I.T. craze.

I then downloaded these podcasts from i-tunes to my i-pod and listened to them on Monday 6 February retracing my steps and attempting to

create my own unique sound echo.

With the files available to all for free via the internet I am in the process of encouraging more people to download my soundtrack via

i-tunes so they can create further echoes of my day and also to allow their own journeys to be soundtracked by my day.

---

Encouraging others to download the podcast is also an attempt to force my soundtrack to echo still further, onto the people you see

commuting trapped in the world of the white headphone.

Perhaps, if they appreciate the sounds they could naturally hear they might take the time to appreciate the sounds that occur on their daily

commute and record them for others to enjoy.

The soundtrack/podacst should be downloadable by searching jamjam23 in the apple music store.

Further info.
The project is purely digital as all the sounds were recorded using my mobile phone.

jamjam23
06 Feb 2006

Soundtrack is recorded in 3 parts


Soundtrack Part One Journey to work 35:01
Journey from my bedroom to work in Manchester City Centre

Soundtrack Part Two Greengrocers 20:16
Lunchtime, it starts at the greengrocers, and includes a chance meeting and a journey back to the office

Soundtrack Part Three Homeward Bound 29:58
This is the final part, homeward bound leaving the office and catching the bus home.

Pretentious Poetry/Songs time again

THE RIVER IS WIDE BUT IT IS NOT DEEP


Woman walks the streets at night
looking for the fix
when she doesn't no the cure
from one car to the next beaten and used

the pains she is in disguised
by lipstick and powder paint
shes to strong to cry
shes to wrong to cry

Living it hand to mouth
disease and death are not far
whos there to help
the moral majority

the pain she is in disguised
by lipstick and powder paint
shes to wrong to cry
trys to strong to cry

She is the one who takes the hit
she needs the hit to numb the pain
she numbs the pain to take the hit
vicious circle to pick on (it)

So here is some hope for every dope
who cant see the shinny side
take some time before you step
the river is wide but it is not deep

Sam Hammond Video

This is a video for Sam Hammond before he joined the UK's sexiest band (heat magazine) The Deadbeats. It's a bit rubbish, it was only intended to jazz up a website, but the songs are good Song One is Pawn in Her Game then it is followed by Bang Brother Bang which is a different version to that performed by the deadbeats today.

The Roadhouse I remember

Yuk the roadhouse
Its sticky carpet the heat the wretched stain of rock dripping from the
walls, black hearted rebels kicking the change on the floor.
Schlock bands playing too loud as they thought they were too cool for
volume although you would never guess looking at their splotched splat hair
and vacant souls spilling from their useless instruments.
Get me vodka so I can clense my soul and not spit back on the piss sopped floor.

Chuckle Brothers

Who was the first person to let them entertain children? He must have been a brave person.

Prejaracisfriendly

Prejaracisfriendly adjective
Describing something that is quite true though may well be considered racist
in modern society.

EG My hands smell nice because the black guy in the toilet had a tea treee scrub.

Racist in the terms of what does it matter what race the man who had lotions is but Prejaracisfriendly as there was no mallice intended and the race was only highlighted to justify the observation in the same way you would say that a lot of fashion designer men are gay. EG I just bought some chanel pants designed by a queen but totally fasionistic.

Maybe its not justifiable but there must be a polite slant on highlighting a race without there ever being malice, just pointing out a prediliction

Drug

Fancy going to a room full of people you do not like much, who all lie and are deluded and think they are better than you?
Do you drink too much try to get off with anyone who moves and then blame it on being a bit pissed?
Have you got slightly shit taste in music bad taste in clothes and believe that you have a lucky pair of underpants?
Are you paranoid and prone to irreverent pissed up rants about anything from the fact mini cabs do not use their radios anymore to the fact that the noises they use to dub out big brother when they are talking about anything good can't be live as their is a jumbo jet on the soundtrack and they do not fly over at night.

Well I can help you.

I am selling a wonder drug called suestitutto.

It makes you taller and seem really interesting, one of the side effects is it makes you intelligent, witty (not savagely) and an all round good egg, you can sing, write, read all to the rough equivalence of Steven Fry. You will find the banter in Frasier amusing and actually fundamentally understand why it is funny,
you will read more books and not just slosh thrillers but proper books like harry potter, just kidding I meant Shakespeare in the original French and Albert Camus in olde english.
You will also be able to play any musical instument and not just a guitar, you will be able to play cello, viola, kettle drum and bassoons and be able to write songs as great as the beatles and beethoven and in touch with youth and progression as much as the tweenys and rkelly combined

Want to take one of these pills?

Well fuck off you should have tried harder at school.

would be to watch or remember now it was

What was it?
I was in Japan and something happened?
I have never been, I was watching a film and I drifted off and I had this ace idea, I suppose the only answer would be to watch the film again, but I can't bear the samuri.
Thats right I remember now it was write a review or a snapshot of the film and see how I could quote myself as I like enigmatic quotes like the joy division one "just why or understand" which is lifted from a verse of She's lost control its not the whole line even but in abstract it makes you wonder of how it fits and when its in the whole line and even the verse " and she turned around and took me by the hand and said,I've lost control again.And how I'll never know just why or understand,She said I've lost control again " which is not uncommon, sometimes film titles from the 1950's can evoke the same whistful meloncholy a random pick this from imdb searching frank sinatra brings, Some Came Running,None but the brave,and Not as a stranger. That anyway is why I wrote this piece however if I can not find a title I will make one up that I wish I had shoehorned in earlier.
shit

Sticky Fingers

Sticky Fingers today. Accident with glue. I only meant to stick our love. Ended up sticking my hands. Its not what you think there was a chance. To fix a hole in the side of my house. I pumped and pumped but could not release. Then a crack and explosion and gunk everywhere. I stuck my hands in the sink and swished them all around. I returned to the gun and the sticky stuff was setting. I tried to wipe but it was sticky and stretchy so i threw it away and grabed some wood and bonded something else. The moral is never pump when your end is unatended. As it can back fire and leave you with sticky fingers for the day.

Books I have written or am about to write

The curious case of the egg.
In which an Egg becomes Prime Minister for the Whig party
after impersonating Pitt the Elder


A collection of Janet.
Janet Street Porter and Janet Ellis go on an exploration to
Chad to bury a wicker model of Janet Jackson

Midwinter Hacker
On the 21 December solstice a murderer kills the shortest man in England
could the Midwinter Hacker be the same man who killed the Tallest man in England on June 21st

Jaunty London
Whereby a Londoner from Old cockneyland tells the world the secret of how the world revolves around them and how if the tube is broken and they are late for work it is more important than 5 northeners dying in a crash

Wick Wack Woe
Read about the sad demise of Noel Edmonds' live action cross of the old bash the hampster game and naughts and crosses.

Love my eyelashes
For Charles Brice the devotion of Orphelia was not enough, he needed her to love his eyelashes. What drives a man to such acts, and what was the real reason he was thrown out of the 2003 mascara world cup.

Ex-Dog - Brian Harveys Autobiography (Ghosted)
Brian Harvey used to be a dog. It was like Woof only I was a dalmation and their was only one of me not a hundred and I had to have this meat that was like all jellied with eels in it only I swear they were maggots anyway one day I was rummiging through a skip and I ate these pills and the made me a geezer didn't they. It was mad, I rutted this other dalmation but I cun't take it and started acting like a dog coz i wanted to go back to one, it was only when i run after a motorbike and got run over that i remembered that i was not a dog all along and i just took a pill and it fooked me up, I did fuck a dalmation though, that was mad.

Yorkshire Hovercraft
The story of Brian Walcot from Barnsley to Dover floating on a curtain of air.
Foreward by Darren Gough

The crazy crazy zany madcap bonkers world of Denise

Denise walks to church to greet her auntie who has gone to the service.
No one knew it but Denise had left the house without her purse.
Denise did not even know she had left the house without her purse, except maybe on a sub-concious level.
When she arrived at the church the service had not finished and it looked like rain.
So she nipped over the road to the local cafe and ordered a cup of tea. It was then that it dawned on Denise that she did not have her purse. She said to the woman behind the counter that she was terribly sorry but she had forgotten her purse, and could she cancel the tea.
The lady in the cafe said "no problem, can I cancel you" it was then that the lady threw the cup of tea she had already poured in Denise's face.
Poor Denise, she was lucky that their was already milk in the tea, otherwise she would have had to have some of her bum grafted to her face.
The sadness of this story was that just as Denise cancelled the Tea she felt a pound coin in her pocket which she had from the trolley in the supermarket from yesterday so could have afforded a nice up of tea and even splashed out on an iced finger

Negway

Ok, I just started to try and get my life back in order. I gave up smoking and the coughs are giving way to a kind of clarity of thought. It’s just a shame that these thought patterns are telling me many conflicting things, such as, I hate everyone, busses are good and wholesome, people have diseases and sometimes when you sit still in a city the sound is wonderful, like a movie soundtrack, rear window or something, try it, you will probably get mugged.

You see the problem, joy unharnessed as me and my fellow man walk hand in hand singing all the way to la la hippy land, I am loose daddy o, I am no uptight square then bang! Mr Cynacism strikes, realising that when me and my fellow man walk hand in hand, people might hit me for being a gayer and I might get a disease, does my fellow man wash his sweaty hands, and why the hell does he want to hold my hand is he secretly trying to get me to kiss him, my fellow man, that’s fine he is my brother and like eurgh that is incest.

It was the main reason I approached the people at Negaway, they say they can erase nagative thoughts from your character on a one week residential course. Putting away all thoughts that the negative thoughts may be a defensive mechanism and the fact that I need to stop shysters taking advantage of me to one side, I boarded the coach to Ashby de la Zouch. On checking in I was greeted by Ella Des Ripoffia the founder and course leader for this Negway course in easing away negatve feelings.
Below are my notes from the one day course.

9.00 am
We are in a circle of trust everyone introduces themselves and tells the group there Job, Colin IT Support, Jeff Green, Florist, Shona Ona Secretary and it comes to me, I am tempted to say Dave Banwick Drums and extra percussion, watching Spinal Tap the night before will not help me

9.30 am
Ella tells the group that goals are important, i look around the room pretending to look for a pass so I can score I must have been in a trance before she said goal look at me I am pathetic I think as I notice everyone paying full attention, I wonder if they are all day dreaming, I come o the conclusion barry is and I might talk to him at the coffee break, what time is that 10.30 fucking hell best concentrate dont want to drift off into a day dream, I look at Ella and realise I have been daydreaming and..............

cant be bothered finishing i tried to fuse two stories together, it aint working

Electric Cardboard

So I am scratching my head now.
I was upside down I remember that, some sort of box was involved.
I met a man called Mr Hampshire, he was wearing a pink beret and had a beard but no moustache. In fact I remember where I met him it was on the corner of Bury Hill and Sutton Road in Potton near Cambridge, why was I there? There was a cardboard box, like an office stora file but it was huge as big as a cargo container.
Mr Hampshire said it was the biggest in the world, however he had lost the lid, "they always loose the lid" he said "not to worry though because they never fit either". I don't recall who built it I remember seeing two tow trucks at either end
of a cardboard wall driving to each other and a box like shape forming as another card wall seemed to rise from its centre. It was then I heard a bang and the next thing I woke up inside a shape and it is nearly that moment I am in now, in fact all I do is turn the right way round from being upside down and I am scratching my head, and its the moment at the begining just before this flashback happened.

I tried to remember more of what happened and get some sketchy details.
I shout out " Mr Hampshire" he does not answer however I feel the sensation of movement. It feels like I am in a truck and I look up, I see the sky moving and momentarily confuse this movement for a windy day. I am in a truck. My head is scratched again but this time its well after the one at the begining because time has elapsed like the film of my life cut away to the exterior of the truck and I was at a designated time in the future and if I needed the toilet I would have been but the story did not need to go into the hows and wherefores.
I look through the pockets of my white coat and find a piece of paper, it is a screwed up first page of New Scientist, there is a picture of me in a yellow beret with my moustache minus beard, and a chap in a pink beret with a beard minus moustache. It reads
John Hampshire and James Jamshire inventors of electric cardboard predicts cardboard size transformers in every home by 2008,
This can not be true, I thought, the properties of electric cardboard are not fully understood, in a home environment it could be catastrophic. Just then the truck stopped, warning lights started beeping and the box began to move backwards down a slope,
the last thing I remember was seagul after seagul made frantic by the power of electric cardboard flying down and opening their mouths and trying to eat my yellow beret and its contents, and just then something flashed before me and the one sentence looped in my head till the thought could no longer exist and my vision turned red from the blood dripping down my brow till the stop of everything, It was John Hampshire offering to file the patent for Electric Cardboard and then laughing like a villain in a bond film.

Epilogue
What a fucking wanker you are John Hampshire what a wanker you are, no one will ever know or trust the safe domestic electric cardboard after you have finished you evil industrial electric cardboard weilding murderous scum.

Hippocamp Ruins Sgt Pepper

Get it while you can heir version of Pet Sounds did not last long
http://www.fredoviola.com/Pepper.html

Bad Poetry Alert

Such dreams are made of this.
A walk in a park.
Signs we cant see.
Its not romantic
but it is, as like as is.

A journey not too short
not too soon
Of the mind
and for the soul.

How can it be
when the pools we dance in are urban, sub urban
and yet we dance merrilly not wallowing
tomorrow strikes us its not mundane
but its here
here is my nirvana my soaring sea my glazial peak

thats because tomorrow is never with us today
and our future is tied into this.
One day we will be free and we will see
We will see clearly the exotic and quixotic hand in hand.

It lives in hope and will never die
just maybe subside and burn bright and subside and burn bright again and again
thats why I run for you, not with you

The trees
the concrete
the path not seen
the path most walked
a route not a destination.
to the end and the sea

musica poetica carl orf in the background
and no it does not make sense

List of no consequence Number 1

Time Team
Prunes
Garbled Voices
Valentines Day
Pen
Chilly
Alternative
Sam
Badger
Beers
Art Deco
Kitted
Cup
Horse Drawn Carriage
Apathy
Lottery
Fairtrade
5.74
Easter
Scuba Diver
Ball
Ready Brek
Tarpaulin
Tom Paulin
Sardine
Sade
Lathe
Menu
Sock Puppet
.....
Feel free to add a comment or your own words to the list of no consequence Number 1

Self Portrait

The internet is stuffed with bad out of focus self portraits of people and their camera's done in mirrors.
Do these people not have any friends....oh I see.
Well you could at least use the timer.

Every Rose

Every Rose has a thorn, not mine
I pick them off and lick them and stick them on peoples noses so
they look like a unicorn or rhino.
Sometimes I stick loads on my face and pretend I have a disease
or 3 on my forehead and pretend I am Vivian off the young ones

Bloody;APPLES!

The supermarkets in spain sell mis-shaped apples or so I was told, in fact I am not even sure there is a Spain at the moment.
I have had one of those health scares so I am doubting everything. You know bit of blood on your toilet paper and you think you have bowel cancer but you just hope it goes away as,
A)I am too young to die
and
B) I can not be bothered going to the doctors as I am a bloke and that is what we do.

Well back to the apples and enough about bloody poo's or hopefully
blood on the poo not in the poo (courtesy of the online medical journal). The implication was the apples were tastier because theS were not apple shaped so if that is true why is an apple shape not like the ones in spain all miss-shaped and..,
sorry back to my arse, gay people and adventurous ladies must bleed too so its no big dealio, just a moment of worry, but I have been tired a lot recently so it could be cancer but as I say I can't be bothered being bald and a charity case and if I am hospitalised with it I don't want to be visited with people being nice and stuff. Apples andway, yeah, how can they be tastier if they are a different shape,
if I eat a bag of crisps and eat the weird shaped ones they do not taste any different but I bet if I picked them out, put them in a bowl and kept the perfect ones for myself, I could sell the duds as "healthier lifestyle crisps" and afford to inflate my price and just have free perfect crisps just for me. Maybe I should stop watching Doc Martin

rock

There is this man thinks he is cool goes by the name of xxx.
Can not really let you know who he is as he once fucked the pope,
with a rope. Well anyway cool guy walks in abr girls wet their nickers they are creamed ti the max and all guy can say is, I want to erm like be a painting, more nickers come his way, he says like I like Van Gough buy me some wine while you drink beer and who the fuck are you you dirty slag, I wrote you a poem, wanna fuck, on second thought lets go the toilets I have some charie, well its cheap speed i could snort it off your tits, i am just like so art you fucking monster bitch I love your cunt buy me some gin, i love you you know that song is about you. Now shut up you moody bitch can I stick my fingers down your pants, You let me you dirty hoar, do you have any charlie, i write poetry I am gonna cry dont tell the boys. Hey lads this dirty fucker will do anythink I snorted speed of her flaps and she sucked my cock when I said that song you wrote about yer mam was about her and she was dofferent. Where so we start, are you still here I just had a shit now fuck off you are in the gents I will get you barred. I got to smash that mirror where is my fucking gin who stole myt coke I am ganna smash this room in you pathetic pissants you do not know my torture fuck off I am smashing this room. Who are you bouncers fuck off I own this joint you stole my coke , Get the pigs I do not give a shit, They sold me coke they sold me coke diie die die. Why do I want to cry, i cant tell my real friends from the hangers on so I am gonna have to fuck you and shit my self and be vunreble it will give you a better feeling in the morning like i cared but i dont because tomorrow there is more coke and bigger tits now fuck off out of here before i forget my manners and do you up the arse and sniff all my coke the bus is leaving and you will know that i wrote that song about you, try again with th next shipment of feckless fuckers we all will die of the disease.

Things to make you say..Fuck Off

Nuts in clear plastic bags
Jools Holland
Sky Sports News
Gary Lineker
Long Sleeve Shirts with T Shirts above that are fake and not two garments
Male Models
ITV
Ice Lollys that have defrosted and then been refrozen so they have a weird texture
Bel Biv Devoe
Home Pages
People saying, are you OK
Boy Bands
Not being able to roller skate when you are drunk without everyone thinking you weird
Drums
Pirates
People asking for a fare on a bus and then going through their purse to find the right money
Pensioners and people with prams in rush hour
Cunts
The Warm Arts
Me and my lists
People being too nice
Milk Men
Jazz
Mirrors
People
Ants
Beer
Wrestlers
Bobby
People who say your so clever when really they are so thick

Shop

Note to shops in the Northern Quarter.

Selling virtually nothing does not give you the right to have a pretentious wanker on a laptop sneering at everyone like you own an art gallery and you have to let the plebs in just to make ends meet. If you want to feel superior go work in a record shop!

Amd yes, I am slightly rounder than I should be but I am not bitter (much)

Stolen

This man presents grand designs on Channel 4.
he has stolen louis theroux
's voice. Give it back you pompous middle class twit, and while you are at it give Jerry Springer his heartfelt eulogy that you stole to use at the end of your show back too.

Thank you.

Ode to wall Grey or Gray?

Grey wall that separates Piccadilly gardens from the bus station why are you there?
If you are there to stop the wind why are you so grey and dull?
Why not be made out of glass instead you stupid wall so we can all see where Primark is?

Grey wall that separates Piccadilly gardens from the bus station why are you there?
If you are there to stop people seeing on coming trams then why are you so grey and dull?
Why not be made out of glass instead you stupid wall so we can all see where the trams are coming and so not die.?

Grey wall that separates Piccadilly gardens from the bus station why are you there?
If you are there to help people weeing on a late night out then why are you so grey and dull?
Why not be made out of glass instead you stupid wall so we can all make it seem we have bigger dicks and scare the kids in the fountain using magnification.

Oh grey wall will you ever learn no one likes you, they all think you are shit so why not fall over or move to Aberdeen and make way for our good old friend the (plexi) glass wall

Olympic Relay

The baton fell to the floor and each bounce was as loud as two whales ramming into each other. The money, the time, the effort I had made to get here, and when it came to it I failed. I had done it countless times before and we had trained very hard to get it right. There had been eight of us at the start and I had been the best throughout the training sessions. I could feel the eyes of the whole stadium and see the cameras focusing in on me. I was glad I was wearing sunglasses as my eyes were going red. It was then I heard a voice.
“pick it up” I looked around I was not too far behind the others, so I swooped down retrieved the baton and carried on only adjusting my stride lightly. My hungry heartbeat, slowed to its normal pace and as I handed it to the 6’2” colossus of an athlete in front of me.
I thought he must have seen me drop the baton, why else was he getting it last, but his face was by then just steely, focused on the 100 metres ahead of him and the next change over in the relay. I stood behind him gathered his belongings and put them in the basket and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. The Olympics is the pinnacle of sporting achievement and I had just succeeded in my life’s ambition in taking part in the games. Relief shot over my face and I managed my first smile of a nerve-jangling day. Tomorrow I would be a judge on the 40km walk lets hope it is not as dramatic as today.

How I invented...Television

Funny story really I was peeling some potatoes in my kitchen and staring at the newspaper the peelings were landing on I noticed that there was a blank page next to the radio listings. I thought to myself, there must be an easier way to fill the papers. I stopped peeling and sat at by drawing board for about 25 minutes and thought why not just shrink a cinema put it in a box and have the picture projected like the radio, that way once once every one had one they would need to know what was going to be on it and would fill that gap in the newspapers next to the radio listings. Come to think of it, its not really that funny.

How I invented...The Michael Jackson song Libirian Girl to raise awareness about African politics

Funny story really I was Ironing a newspaper wearing just my underpants and saw a headline about a civil war in Liberia. I thought to myself, there must be an easier way of getting by in life without resorting to bloodshed. I stopped ironing and sat by my drawing board for about 25 minutes and thought why not just write a song to show that girls from libereria can change your world and love can solve everything, perhaps it will put Liberia on the map so western society can ask its self some questions about why it ignores african politics. It did not really work so I made a George Weah instead, it was working really well till he lost the election to a woman. Come to think of it, its not really that funny.

How I invented...Darts

Funny story really I was running a half marathon in Stoke and looking through the crowds I noticed an Archery club, it seemed to take up a lot of room and looked like a very long walk to retrive your arrows. I thought to myself, there must be an easier way. I stopped running and burst into an Architects practice and hired a drawing board for an hour. 25 minutes later and I thought, why not just make the board and arrows smaller and rather than aiming for rings introduce a points system, I immediatly set about making a prototype and on my way to show it off to the captains of the archery club I stopped off at the pub, and told the barman my story, suddenly I was surrounded by fat men who all wanted a go as they were too unfit to play real archery and were not allowed into the archery club as they were not allowed to use archery buggies (think golf buggies but with a larger storage capacity) on Grand National Society Land and they were too fat to walk. The fat men loved it and I was so pleased to see their reaction that I did not bother to see the archery people. Come to think of it, its not really that funny.

How I invented...Wheelybins

Funny story really I was playing with some weights in my gym and looking through the window I saw Mrs Charlton who had to be about 90 struggling with her bin as the bin men were due on Tuesday and the week before they had not collected her rubbish so it was a monster load. I thought to myself, there must be an easier way. I stopped working out and sat at by drawing board for about 25 minutes and thought why not just add wheels to one side of the bin, that way once the centre of gravity was found there would be little weight as t was all bearing its load on the wheels. Come to think of it, its not really that funny.

April and the Arse kicking Bambi Assassins - Introduction

One day on a mild and murky April morning a band of girls known simply by their most famous member and the shocking deeds they did upon the wilds of the enchanted Quelvar Forrest were setting off on a new mission to stick pins in a badger to make sure it knew how it felt to be a hedgehog, in the hope that a valuable life lesson could be tought to the badger and that it would bleed and hopefully die from the wounds the sadistic team did to the only slightly evil badgers of Quelvar woods.

April and the Asskicking Bambi Assasins (arse kicking for the UK market) were not your normal ladies, well not normal for Quelvar woods, were they normal for Quelvar woods they would be some squat, round, fairy like, sister mary types who eat too many mushrooms and worried about making childrens wishes come true.

These cats, or sisters if you feel my language too beatnic, preferred violence. They were not evil, heck they were ironic super heroes with a fettish for animal cruelty justice and despite never having been there American family values.

Before I tell you about the adventures of April and the Arse Kicking Bambi Assasins I feel it only correct to introduce you to the team.

April,
The leader of the troupe, she is 17 6'4 only wears pink fur, has died her hair pink, loves punk rock.
her hobbies are knitting karate and voodoo. She is the eldest and leader of the gang the arse kicking bambi assasins.

The 4 Arse kicking Bambi Assasins are

May aged 17 5'9
Stuborn and sporty and born with only one arm, she will only wear emerald green.
Loves the film of flash gordon, when she was ten she met Bambi who she thought was really cool after she painted May's cat pink and stuck a rocket up her bum and fired it into the next door neighbours greenhouse.

June 17 2'3
May's half sister, Loves Science has a hole in her middle caused by an accident with Hydrochloric Acid.
Enjoys thinking of new ways to torture animals using her scientific knowledge.
Hates, pretty girls who are into science who wear glasses and let their hair down when they see men. Loves to flaunt her hole

Octavia 17 5'5
A German girly girl, also loves to wear pink but April will not let her so wears sequins and shiny belts.
Got into the gang when the girls saw her on the internet putting her brothers rabbit into the blender drinking it and spitting out the bones. Has blonde hair that is always frizzy.

Belle 16
The Sex bomb of the troupe often uses the animals for ahem sexual encounters
Never goes on missions with the other girls is just refered to in the stories

Stories of April and the Arse Kicking Bambi Assassins will apear soon

3.57

3.57
Its never the start you wonder about.
the end is wear the mystery lies

this is the story of the middle

by being the middle its either the begining of the end or the end of the begining

thats confusion for you.

so i will start or rather i will middle

"fucking thing", said Angelique she seemed to be looking for spanners everywhere except in the bag where the hammers were, there was no telling where they were. The blue suit was ruined but we needed the car for the spring conference. there are only so many melons you an fit in a bag.
A bag of seemingly random monkeys. Its not the point really. Need a car or a bag which one ISA 400 wont bring out the colours in this light. It barked but not like a tree more like a great winged eagle or a smaller magpie.Is it a sin to love again.

Statement

just want you all to be fully aware that most of what is here I personally think is shit.
I am not exercising qualty control most of the stuff is just what it is slightly retentious unfinished tat with no spell check or any shit like that.
If a piece is not written live directly into a blog editor and is merely pasted from somewhere else it will be marked "old" I have a lot of "old" shit and a lot of new shit, its just sometimes I find the "old" shit and feel I should put it up here for some twisted reason and it saves me having a load of word files on my mac. If i was serious about anything I had written I would not put it up here to be ignored I would put it somewhere where it could be ignored a hell of a lot more