Monday, March 27, 2006

Sarah Jessica Parker

There is a myth that is being spread, every media outlet seems to be complicite in this lie. Namely that Sarah Jessica Parker, is a beautiful icon of our time, and not a skinny haggard poodle with a bleached coco pop stuck on her overly long ugly face.
Well let me tell you she is not beautiful, she is an actress who had a lot of sex with men in sex in the city, this is not real, in real life she would be what us chaps call, a mercy shag. You hang around with a bunch of attractive women and us men think it clever to chat to the ugly one on the basis that the fit one's probably get chatted up all the time, so the ugly one would be easy to pull. I would have let this lie, I have no beef with SJP but she has brought out a new fragrance and has had the temerity to call it Lovely and not only that but its full title is Sarah Jessica Parker Lovely (which is a bit like people who wrote "is ace" under their name any time they saw it written on anything in school and despite her being ugly and the fact I hate her, I kind of forgive her for being in D.A.R.R.Y.L.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

C h i n g

ching ching ching. Ching ching ching ching ching.
Depending on the rythym of how you read the ching
will sound pleasing insane or non of those limited optons.
I am sorry I do not care, I just got the notion to write the word ching down.
Ching ching ching ching ching. In repetition I feel it offensive to call someone a ching, ching someones wife, ching with a chinger or even ching at the weekends without first chinging before hand.
ching ching ching, it is almost like a sing, but thsi ching is my ching and i am not chinging the way i feel. I feel like ching, ching is me, i think therefore i ching. Bill Clinton might use ching to get with the ladies.
Ching is the last word in this post. In fact one ching per-ching

Monday, March 13, 2006

Father Ted

Remember the episode of father ted where he waives at a window.
Please go get a black piece of paper and stick it on your monitor/
When did ross go all hitler?

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


This poem was originally in issue 5 of papercut magazine. It was inspired by a dream Stephen Hawking had hence it existing in audio format, as I tried to make it sound like his dream was so real that he was out of breath at the start and recovering at the end.

The sickness of green spitty chesty infections

I have got the sickness of the green spitty chesty infections
and when I blow my nose hardy gloop want to come out of my eyes.
SO I try and remain chipper until I cough and the old man in my chest wants to shout
yeeeeurch. And then I spit green to my teeth till I wipe it with my tongue on tissue and watch to see if its sticky or drippy. I drink the benilyn it says non drowsy, must be shit where is the drowsy stuff? I can't dribber like grandad without proper drugs and when cough cough my brain rattles ow ow that is just headache from shaky head vibrations. So snog me all, snog me one and spread the green spitty chesty infections to all the men and women in this gobs vacinity share my pain, and I promise when the green turns white and goes away I will let you know how great it is to run and drink and not wheeze like mutley and laugh like sidney james yak yak yak yak!