Thursday, September 29, 2005

Spam Best names

I get spam quite a lot, some times the names are inspired, here are my four favourites so far this year
Marmaduke Larkin
Duffy Azure
Sung Christian
Bogdan Ives
Like anyone will go, oh weird it must be off my mate Duffy she was mentioning she might be selling some ciallis.

Am I naive or is this ciallis stuff only available via spam emails, does anyone go to the chemist and say fuck it I dont want viagra give me some of that ciallis and give it me on the national health or else I am gonna buy it online, it might cost a bit converting it to dollars on my visa card but I can save so much and there should be no problem importing medicine should there!

rules 2

Remember when crossing the road at traffic lights why not press the button, I will not always be there to do it you stupid gormless twat. Do you think that it is easy to cross without the traffic lights changing to the green man, well maybe it is but give yourself a chance.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

What is it

If it is upside down and smells but also looks like carpet.


Remember when a bag of crisps with your packed lunch was healthy because potato is a vegetable

Proof that Publishing Online Turns you into a twat

In the style of many comedians who desperately want to be serious musicians I give you reason why I am a pretentious twat, number 1 (what do you mean there are more on this site) A poem.

Such dreams are made of this.
A walk in a park.
Signs we cant see.
Its not romantic but it is as like as is
A journey not too short
not too soon
Of the mind and for the soul.
How can it be when the pools we dance in are urban, sub urban
and yet we dance merrilly not wallowing
tomorrow strikes us its not mundane but its here
here is my nirvana my soaring sea my glazial peak
thats because tomorrow is never with us today
and our future is tethered to this.
One day we will be free and we will see
We will see clearly the exotic and quixotic hand in hand.
It lives in hope and will never die
just maybe subside and burn bright and subside and burn bright again and again
thats why I run for you not with you
The trees the concrete
the path not seen
the path most walked
a route not a destination
to being a pretentious twat you would rather punch than shag

Lies in your eyes

Its Tuesday at 9pm and I am already lying to you, it is really easy to do if you are as small as me.
You can sneak up on some people and the bigger the lie the more they will believe you as someone once said , it might have been Aldious Huxley but that could be a lie, you could check on the internet, but who is to say that lie has not been propagated and spread, so in essence there is no truth.

Historians will tell you of feverishly slaving away at the Library for hours on end to find the exact details of when McCadum first created Tarmac so the age of a road from Barnsley to Carlisle could be found out beyond reasonable doubt, yet if these very same researchers had searched google and come up with an answer they would have been sceptical.

In fact we live in glorious times, we know full well that any fact we know is not a fact, in fact, it allows us to be a little less dependant on the truth as we know that a book has as much doubt as it is written by one individual unlike the internet which is written by me or you and other people whom no matter how much they lie are generally to stupid that to make things up is beyond them, what is the point, why say that the colour mauve was invented in 1802 when it was invented in 1856 it is not worth your time, you are only going to lie to a few dye (sic) hard technologists, instead tell the big lie, the lie that everyone can believe, like Huxley did before his comedic/tragic death, being flattened to death while on safari by a herd of elephants, not before he had blasted enough to make a piano, so, I give you my fact:- Three quarters of the Earths air contains trace elements of sugar since a leak at a refinery in Philadelphia in 1973, this has lead to a 13 per cent increase in Diabetes among the earths population since that date, the refinery was closed down by the ATF following the leak and reopened by the parent conglomerate as a refinery which instead of producing sugar now produces 65 per cent of the earths insulin, together with a leading diet pill.
I bet you feel better now, when you told your boss that the bus crashed on the way to work and you had to help a man to the ambulance when in fact you overslept you were just following in the footsteps of the worlds great big fat liers?

Instructions 1

Go and see a band you do not like, it does not have to be a death metal band or anything weird but just go and see a band live, look through the listings and go, oh the beautiful south, I do not really like them tthat is your trigger go and book a ticket, hate dance music go see the aphex twin, go on your own too, you will like it, and if you do not ,you can allways ignore blogs you gormless twat, but the band thing its all good.

Ideas 1

A hidden camera show so people do random nice things. Old lady drops bag someone helps pick it up. Not enough people would think to be kind. I know this sounds like an Alan partridge Monkey Tennis pitch but I do not care.

Rules 1

Keys cut while u wait - Why not provide some chairs and an estimate of the time it will take so I do not stand around your shop looking aimlessly at kiwi shoe polish wondering if it is cheaper than in Tesco's and if it is, where the hell do they keep it in tesco's as I have never seen it, but they must sell it somewhere, and then suddenly snap out of it when someone else comes in the shop but not notice the key cutter looking for their attention and little old me thinks they are done so I get my money out and he is nowhere near ready and to add insult to injury I forget about the kiwi and never think of it again until I loose my keys again and the whole wheel turns again.

jamjam23 blog

The Mike from Spaced look circa Aug 2005

Who cares, me, you, anyone else, I doubt it but broadcasting into a void is possibly good for the ego and cheaper than printing your own book. Just means I can rip off anyone and anyone can rip off me. I think I will make this a place of random thoughts and rules nothing too wordy that no one will look at and I can at least say that my idea for a new system of handing back money at the supermatket should have been adopted years ago.