Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The war at home

It was not the broken tank, or the dreams that were shattered that day, it was the hope that maybe one day, those little ones that escaped would be able to walk up to me with pride and say, tell us about our conception daddy.

Now what was left? Two dead goldfish a broken tank, some blood,a miniature treasure chest, a paramedic removing the glass from Delia's crack and water mixed with semen and waterweed, all over the floor, and the carpet! The carpet that I saved up for. The carpet that I picked from thousands upon thousands in a book in carpetright, ruined.
All in three seconds flat.
I implore you good people, do not fuck on a fishtank.

Interview with Eric Rommelschmitt 4.08

Secret tape of an interview with former East German secret Policeman Eric Rommelschmitt

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

How many things can I drop on my toe or have it stood on.

I hurt my toe, I dropped a roll of A0 Paper on it. Now can you guess how many times people have either dropped stuff on or stood on my toe by accident since I hurt it? At least 3 people a day.
Can you guess how many times anyone did in the 5 years since I last had something wrong with my toe. Yes that's right zero.

Why oh why etc.

Paul Gambaccini Said

Paul Gambaccini said you are the new george orwell
Paul Gambaccini said your records wont sell
Paul Gambaccini said roll over beethoven
Paul Gambaccini said fuck you fuck yer mama

There was a feather

There was a feather floating past the window
It looked like it neded a hug.
So I plucked it out of the air and put it in my hat.
A man came up to me and asked if I dealt.
I said I played cards
So he invited me to his house and started to play poker
He said hold em, so I grabbed his cards off him,
he asked me to leave.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


So the bus arrives and I am like so ready to get on, and it stops and everything and this woman who was stood behind me gets on first, I dont mind as the bus stopped right near her but I am a bit peeved with the whole principle of it. Then she gets to the driver and asks "how much to town" I pay with a weekly pass so I try to flash it and brush past but the lady has got the drivers eye. So I wait with my ticket in hand as its rude just to walk on. Anyway the woman is asking how much to town and the driver says its £1.10, a normal person would have, while they were at the bus stop, maybe got out 2 quid or so in change and have it in their hand ready for getting on, not this woman, no no no.

Anyways the driver looks up and I walk on and sit down while this woman searches her bag for her purse. Now anyone who is not normal would at least have their purse to hand, but oh no no no not this bitch. her purse is right at the bottom of the bag, anyway she finds her purse and then says, how much, for fucks sake is this woman insane, the driver says £1.10 and the woman goes "right yeah", so she opens her purse and looks for her money, I can clearly see a fiver and gold coins possibly pound coins, but oh no she has too use her coppers, so she is paying out putting her money in the tray and I am going mad, she eventualy pays and makes her way to her seat and the bus just sits there for ten minutes while the driver trys to put all the shrapnell in the right compartments. Eventually we set off, and stop at every bus stop as its rush hour now. We even stop at the bus stop before I get off, where no one was getting on or off and the driver reads his paper for ten minutes, I originally think someone must be coming down the road, but no there is no one there, everybodys ears on the bus are steaming but no one says owt, they just sit there while the driver has a wank in the daily star, then just as I decide to ring the bell as I realise I could have walked to my stop twice over at least and because I am more pissed off with the driver than the stupid woman he sets off without even using the bus lane so I get stuck in normal traffic too.

So I am in the meeting with personel trying to explain why I am late and all I can say is that the bus can be a tad unreliable in the morning, when what I mean is its because of stupid cunts, but apparently that looks shit on an appraisal. Then again appraisals is another story.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Add your own swears to the list

I am bored so tried to write a nice story to pass the time, the first two lines sparked me into trying to write some good swears?
Add your own in the reply, the more offensive the better!!

"Shit the boat, It's May"

"Porky aunts you are right"

"Well I have never slipped one to a vicar but I know how they feel"

"Jigger my flaps"

"Jelly fuck toast"

"Saw me in two and crap in the hole"

"Your sisters gastric blister"

"You god damn god damner"

"You're online but you cant remember your fucking password"

"do me a lemon you giraffe"

"I would not shit on you if i was kinky"

"sit on my futock"

"garrote my nads"

"You ain't got a rope to cunt with"

"I would not piss on you if I was on fire"


"member of parliament for knobhead and dickwad"

"you're so fat you would eat cancer pie if it had sugar on"

"you've not got knob cheese, it's knob butter you churn that much"

"I would rather kiss my shit the bed mess"

"it is not small it's just you have a bucket fanny"

"if it smells fishy you've fucked it"

"he bats for the football team"

"salty jazz rubber"

"ever been to fuck off you cunting cuntsville"

"my favorite dj is spin on this"