Saturday, November 29, 2008

April and the Ass-kicking Bambi Assassins Part 3 Excerpt

Something extra was needed, the ass kicking bambi assassins had been defeated again.
They had tried to stage a revolution overtaking the enchanted forest by uniting with the red squirrel army.
April was livid as a new coalition between the grey squirrels and the badgers had taken the north field.

It split the Bambi assassins down the middle, especially as the badgers had been instrumental in the destruction
of the horsefly army when they attempted to infiltrate the bees, dressed as hornets.
The geopolitics of the forest would strain anybody and April and the ass kicking bambi assassins looked to be
going their separate ways. However the forest can sometimes deliver a miracle and this happened again this morning,
a new animal waded into battle, the mighty boar of boaccus, the wildest most feral animal killer in the entire animal world had arrived in the enchanted forest and would agree to fight cheek by jowl with april and the ass kicking bambi assassins and the red squirrel army in return for full mushroom rights. Slaughter of the badgers and the grey squirrels was imminent.
The north field would be reclaimed, and then the boar of boaccus would be slaughtered as the mushrooms belong to April.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Ha ha

Even fire engines are getting stuck now

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Pun tastic

Possibly the worst play on words i have ever seen.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Hello world

I am martha the kitten. I like jazz and clasical and hiding in corners.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


There is no way gig pictures on your mobile come out.

Yet people still persevere and all you get is nowt.

Monday, November 10, 2008

our lovely new sideboard

now cue the chas and dave song
not bad for 53 quid delivered.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

The kids are cool daddy o

In this age of hip hop the internet and youth culture no longer the sole preserve of the young it is great to see the almost intuitive connection this sign conveys with our angry and bored youth.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Bustia Buzon

The ultimate porn name, or just a short lady with a very low letter box.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Meaty beaty and bouncy

Farmers eh, who says we city folk do not understand them, here is something they do for fun.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Sex lantern

Sorry but can not resist such obvious gags.

Sunday, July 20, 2008


1x Chicken 4lbs
1x Onion
1x Apple
1x Grape
1x Damson
23 Sultanas.

Carefully peel chicken and place in frying pan.
Fry on a low heat for 12 minutes ensuring the skin
is browned.

Place the onion and all the fruit except for 5 sultanas into the carcass of the chicken and
place in a pan of boiling salted water.
Cover the pan with a lid and place the sultanas on top and boil for twenty five minutes.

Use the warm sultanas from the lid to dress the chicken and the excess water from the pan
will make an excellent cocktail or fruit and meat punch ingredient.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

No no no

I suppose if you are going to get fucked up all day you might as well look the part.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Just a reminder

Three is the magic number.


The toilet floor reminded me of the sleeve to temptation by new order.

Sunday, May 11, 2008


From the phone

Sunday, February 24, 2008


Giant ocean strawberry tasted like metal chewing plaster

Sunday, February 03, 2008

what is it?

I wait.
I cup my ears.
I can not hear a noise.
It is coming,
It sounds like the sea, maybe.

I wait some more.
I am still wondering what it is.
So I stop and move on

Friday, February 01, 2008

Sky sports

I like to take pictures of weird looking fellows on sky sports news

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

10 reasons Why Nic Cage irks me

10 reasons Why Nic Cage irks me

1. He called his son Kal-el
2. His real name is Copolla, draw your own inferences
3. Nick Cave has a genius, Nick Cage's name is too similar
4. He buys castles
5. Is such an elvis fan he married his daughter, after wacko jacko (it lasted 4 months)
6. I am realising I do not know the man so am struggling really, perhaps it is his face that offends me so, and his thin hair, and his poor choice in films, maybe it is his one dimensional acting, but he just gets on my tits even in films I like, and part of me can not quite fathom how he gets to make more.
7. I will skip to 10 as these are the real reasons.
10. He made the following films that were shit.
(I was generous, I removed Raizing Arizona. wild at heart, fast times at ridgemont high, Rumble Fish,Peggy Sue got Married, Snake Eyes and of course Con Air and The Rock but left in adaptation as he ruined it for me)
  1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007) .... Ben Gates
  2. Next (2007) .... Cris Johnson
  3. Grindhouse (2007) .... Fu Manchu (segment "Werewolf Women of the SS")
  4. Ghost Rider (2007) .... Johnny Blaze / Ghost Rider
    ... aka Spirited Racer (Philippines: English title: review title)
  5. The Wicker Man (2006) .... Edward Malus
  6. World Trade Center (2006) .... John McLoughlin
  7. The Ant Bully (2006) (voice) .... Zoc
  8. The Weather Man (2005) .... David Spritz
  9. Lord of War (2005) .... Yuri Orlov
  10. National Treasure (2004) .... Ben Gates
    ... aka Sonomo (Philippines: English title: review title)
  11. Matchstick Men (2003) .... Roy Waller
  12. Adaptation. (2002) .... Charlie Kaufman / Donald Kaufman
  13. Sonny (2002) .... Acid Yellow
  14. Windtalkers (2002) .... Sergeant Joe Enders
  15. Christmas Carol: The Movie (2001) (voice) .... Jacob Marley
    ... aka Weihnachtsmärchen, Ein (Germany)
  16. Captain Corelli's Mandolin (2001) .... Captain Antonio Corelli
    ... aka Capitaine Corelli (France)
  17. The Family Man (2000) .... Jack Campbell
  18. Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000) .... Randall 'Memphis' Raines

  19. Bringing Out the Dead (1999) .... Frank Pierce
  20. 8MM (1999) .... Tom Welles
    ... aka 8mm - Acht Millimeter (Germany)

  21. City of Angels (1998) .... Seth
    ... aka Stadt der Engel (Germany)
  22. Face/Off (1997) .... Castor Troy / Sean Archer
    ... aka Face Off
  23. Leaving Las Vegas (1995) .... Ben Sanderson
    ... aka Leaving Las Vegas (France)
  24. Kiss of Death (1995/I) .... Little Junior Brown
  25. Trapped in Paradise (1994) .... Bill Firpo
  26. It Could Happen to You (1994) .... Charlie Lang
  27. Guarding Tess (1994) .... Doug Chesnic
  28. Amos & Andrew (1993) .... Amos Odell
  29. Deadfall (1993) .... Eddie
  30. Honeymoon in Vegas (1992) .... Jack Singer
  31. Red Rock West (1992) .... Michael Williams
  32. Tempo di uccidere (1991) .... Enrico Silvestri
    ... aka Raccourci, Le (France)
    ... aka The Short Cut
    ... aka Time to Kill
  33. Zandalee (1991) .... Johnny Collins

  34. Fire Birds (1990) .... Jake Preston
    ... aka Wings of the Apache
  35. Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream of the Broken Hearted (1990) (TV) .... Heartbreaker

  36. Vampire's Kiss (1989) .... Peter Loew
  37. Never on Tuesday (1988) (uncredited) .... Man in Red Sports Car
  38. Moonstruck (1987) .... Ronny Cammareri
  39. The Boy in Blue (1986) .... Ned Hanlan
    ... aka Race des champions, La (Canada: French title)
  40. Birdy (1984) .... Sergeant Al Columbato
  41. The Cotton Club (1984) .... Vincent Dwyer
  42. Racing with the Moon (1984) .... Nicky/Bud

  43. Valley Girl (1983) .... Randy
    ... aka Bad Boyz
    ... aka College Lovers (Philippines: English title)
    ... aka Rebel Dreams (video title)

  44. Best of Times (1981) (TV) .... Nicholas
source IMDB

Old Myspace Blog 2

For Dean Gaffney

All those arms making super noodles
Struggling with the packet
opening them and putting them in a pan
boiling the water.
Would they not be better just searching for that thing called love?

Old Myspace Blog 1

You know that dood off short circuit 1 + 2
the indian guy ben jabituya or ben jahvri as his name changes in the sequel?

Do you ever wonder why you don't see him any more?

well wonder no more as this is a picture of him without the dark make up on.


PS if you think I am a bit sad digging this up, I would refer you
to the too much effort put in really
where I found the cowboy picture.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Sleep Peril

Got to get up,
I cant move.

I am paralysed, I am terrified. I shake and shake with all my might.

I finally awaken.
I am not awake though my mind was playing tricks.
I am still paralysed, I shake again with all my might, I think I am awake this time,
but my mind is playing tricks as I am also dreaming at the same time but not real dreams,
just a multitude of random thoughts, petrol stations, circus acts, a book I have never read, I try and read in my dream and it hurts my head and I want to go to sleep, but I am asleep, I cant move, I try to shake myself awake. It seems like hours are passing, I know it is only seconds.
I manage to finally awaken, and I am definitely awake now as I am sat up.
I am tired so I go back to sleep relieved it is all over, I relax.

I am paralysed again, I shake myself awake, I am caught again between the dreamworld and awakenness, I grab my mobile and shine its torch into my eye in a desperate attempt to keep me awake. I am up, I am definitely awake but I am still dreaming, I am imagining I am going to the loo, I am not of course and the light in my eye is annoying me.

I have to stay awake for an hour, I turn on the TV and focus on Nightwatch with Steve Scott and flick through to the late night quizzes, I am anxious but I eventually drift off, then the whole thing happens again, but I am a bit more wise to it, so I manage to wake up properly each time or at least I think I do, but really I am just repeating the same steps.

It's six am and I am not tired, work is in an hour and a half.

I toss and turn and finally get some sleep at about 6.30, my alarm goes off at 7.03 and I am fast asleep, tired and red eyed.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

carl through the looking glass and other wrong uns

Carla through the looking glass
Thadius and the amazing technicolour dreamcoat.
Mr Jones Jim goes to Hollywood
Rita Sue and Dave Too
Jerry Mnemonic

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Hamburger and Chips

It was sometime in 1991, Altern 8 were playing a gig out of the back of a pick up truck in some dreary wintry late night car park near Stafford. A heavy scent of vicks vaporub was in the air cascading up my nostrils like an annoying hungry mint mouse had been let loose. Crouching down I could feel warmth, looking up I could feel only cold. I felt a tug on my braces, It was my friend Clarkey, he was off his face and disappeared an hour ago as he believed Nipper was DJing at the other side of the car park.
"Hamburger and Chips" he said holding up a signed photo of Dance Energy presenter Normski.
"what" I replied somewhat narkily as anyone who has tried to converse with the ripped to the tits can empathise with.

"Hamburger and Chips, Dance music man, Like I met Normski and I said to him, Dance music is like Hamburger and Chips, Its like British - chips and American - Hamburger and when you have them together its like Hamburger and Chips - or house music, like we are in Stafford listening to Chicago house from stoke, Hamburger and Chips, Normski flipped out man"

"Oh OK" I said "Dempsey and Makepeace"

"No man" replied Clarkey "you don't fucking understand me man"