Sunday, October 25, 2009

How I invented contact lenses.

Honestly I did invent contact lenses, but it was one of those accidents that happen all the time. It started with a fist fight. Bernard and me had been arguing about our new designs for cling film. I had insisted on making it magnified in order to make food look bigger. An aesthetic which I thought was a sure fire winner, Bernard on the other hand thought I was a cock.
Bernard you see was new in town and on an "I can do no wrong" high, having just developed rubber gloves that looked like the real gloves of a glamorous lady like Joan Collins, and not like something you would wash up with.
Anyway you have probably put two and two together already, what with me mentioning magnifying cling film and a fight, but you are wrong, I did not smash Bernard's face into my cling film and then attempt to gouge him and when I let go he could miraculously see without his glasses. That did not happen. What did happen was that Bernard, wearing his stupid rubber lady hand gloves could not get the magnified cling film off the roll, he called me a cock yet again so I grabbed the roll of cling film and smashed it in his stupid bespectacled face. His classes smashed in to several pieces and his nose gushed blood all over the worktop. Bernard then retaliated by punching me in the solar plexus whilst muttering that "hitting someone in glasses is below the belt".
This got me thinking and as I crunched my knee into his testicles I had a eureka moment, poly-methyl methacrylate could be made into a small lens in the eye. Then I really beat the shit out of Bernard. Bernard is a pussy. Bernard went on to invent high heel flip flops. I won the nobel prize for chemistry. Bernard works in the R&D department at JML. Who is a cock now Bernard.

sun seagul

The wave caught me out, as it crashed onto my toes and its ice coldness crept up my leg. It had never happened before, I am normally agile on the beach, and can easily out manoeuvre a wave. I believe I believe the shock of it all contributed to me droping my i-pod. I tell you this as it was the last thing I recall before the seagull flew into my ear deafening me for life.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Police cut backs

Not complaining as the heli-chopper the cops use at night is super loud, but a stealthy airship for patrols has got to be a wind up.

I kid you not, a police blimp, click photo to enlarge
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Saturday, October 17, 2009

Reading list

The worlds most specific book,
unfortunately does not cover Taiwan., or it would sell like hot Geoff Capes.
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This is one of the houses that backs on to mine,
It is 2009 and yes that is a squarial.

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