Sunday, October 25, 2009

How I invented contact lenses.

Honestly I did invent contact lenses, but it was one of those accidents that happen all the time. It started with a fist fight. Bernard and me had been arguing about our new designs for cling film. I had insisted on making it magnified in order to make food look bigger. An aesthetic which I thought was a sure fire winner, Bernard on the other hand thought I was a cock.
Bernard you see was new in town and on an "I can do no wrong" high, having just developed rubber gloves that looked like the real gloves of a glamorous lady like Joan Collins, and not like something you would wash up with.
Anyway you have probably put two and two together already, what with me mentioning magnifying cling film and a fight, but you are wrong, I did not smash Bernard's face into my cling film and then attempt to gouge him and when I let go he could miraculously see without his glasses. That did not happen. What did happen was that Bernard, wearing his stupid rubber lady hand gloves could not get the magnified cling film off the roll, he called me a cock yet again so I grabbed the roll of cling film and smashed it in his stupid bespectacled face. His classes smashed in to several pieces and his nose gushed blood all over the worktop. Bernard then retaliated by punching me in the solar plexus whilst muttering that "hitting someone in glasses is below the belt".
This got me thinking and as I crunched my knee into his testicles I had a eureka moment, poly-methyl methacrylate could be made into a small lens in the eye. Then I really beat the shit out of Bernard. Bernard is a pussy. Bernard went on to invent high heel flip flops. I won the nobel prize for chemistry. Bernard works in the R&D department at JML. Who is a cock now Bernard.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I think that some recognition should go to Bernard even though he does sound like a pussy, he helped you on your way and in turn millions of specky four eyed twats