The curious case of the egg.
In which an Egg becomes Prime Minister for the Whig party
after impersonating Pitt the Elder
A collection of Janet.
Janet Street Porter and Janet Ellis go on an exploration to
Chad to bury a wicker model of Janet Jackson
Midwinter Hacker
On the 21 December solstice a murderer kills the shortest man in England
could the Midwinter Hacker be the same man who killed the Tallest man in England on June 21st
Jaunty London
Whereby a Londoner from Old cockneyland tells the world the secret of how the world revolves around them and how if the tube is broken and they are late for work it is more important than 5 northeners dying in a crash
Wick Wack Woe
Read about the sad demise of Noel Edmonds' live action cross of the old bash the hampster game and naughts and crosses.
Love my eyelashes
For Charles Brice the devotion of Orphelia was not enough, he needed her to love his eyelashes. What drives a man to such acts, and what was the real reason he was thrown out of the 2003 mascara world cup.
Ex-Dog - Brian Harveys Autobiography (Ghosted)
Brian Harvey used to be a dog. It was like Woof only I was a dalmation and their was only one of me not a hundred and I had to have this meat that was like all jellied with eels in it only I swear they were maggots anyway one day I was rummiging through a skip and I ate these pills and the made me a geezer didn't they. It was mad, I rutted this other dalmation but I cun't take it and started acting like a dog coz i wanted to go back to one, it was only when i run after a motorbike and got run over that i remembered that i was not a dog all along and i just took a pill and it fooked me up, I did fuck a dalmation though, that was mad.
Yorkshire Hovercraft
The story of Brian Walcot from Barnsley to Dover floating on a curtain of air.
Foreward by Darren Gough
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
The crazy crazy zany madcap bonkers world of Denise
Denise walks to church to greet her auntie who has gone to the service.
No one knew it but Denise had left the house without her purse.
Denise did not even know she had left the house without her purse, except maybe on a sub-concious level.
When she arrived at the church the service had not finished and it looked like rain.
So she nipped over the road to the local cafe and ordered a cup of tea. It was then that it dawned on Denise that she did not have her purse. She said to the woman behind the counter that she was terribly sorry but she had forgotten her purse, and could she cancel the tea.
The lady in the cafe said "no problem, can I cancel you" it was then that the lady threw the cup of tea she had already poured in Denise's face.
Poor Denise, she was lucky that their was already milk in the tea, otherwise she would have had to have some of her bum grafted to her face.
The sadness of this story was that just as Denise cancelled the Tea she felt a pound coin in her pocket which she had from the trolley in the supermarket from yesterday so could have afforded a nice up of tea and even splashed out on an iced finger
No one knew it but Denise had left the house without her purse.
Denise did not even know she had left the house without her purse, except maybe on a sub-concious level.
When she arrived at the church the service had not finished and it looked like rain.
So she nipped over the road to the local cafe and ordered a cup of tea. It was then that it dawned on Denise that she did not have her purse. She said to the woman behind the counter that she was terribly sorry but she had forgotten her purse, and could she cancel the tea.
The lady in the cafe said "no problem, can I cancel you" it was then that the lady threw the cup of tea she had already poured in Denise's face.
Poor Denise, she was lucky that their was already milk in the tea, otherwise she would have had to have some of her bum grafted to her face.
The sadness of this story was that just as Denise cancelled the Tea she felt a pound coin in her pocket which she had from the trolley in the supermarket from yesterday so could have afforded a nice up of tea and even splashed out on an iced finger
Negway
Ok, I just started to try and get my life back in order. I gave up smoking and the coughs are giving way to a kind of clarity of thought. It’s just a shame that these thought patterns are telling me many conflicting things, such as, I hate everyone, busses are good and wholesome, people have diseases and sometimes when you sit still in a city the sound is wonderful, like a movie soundtrack, rear window or something, try it, you will probably get mugged.
You see the problem, joy unharnessed as me and my fellow man walk hand in hand singing all the way to la la hippy land, I am loose daddy o, I am no uptight square then bang! Mr Cynacism strikes, realising that when me and my fellow man walk hand in hand, people might hit me for being a gayer and I might get a disease, does my fellow man wash his sweaty hands, and why the hell does he want to hold my hand is he secretly trying to get me to kiss him, my fellow man, that’s fine he is my brother and like eurgh that is incest.
It was the main reason I approached the people at Negaway, they say they can erase nagative thoughts from your character on a one week residential course. Putting away all thoughts that the negative thoughts may be a defensive mechanism and the fact that I need to stop shysters taking advantage of me to one side, I boarded the coach to Ashby de la Zouch. On checking in I was greeted by Ella Des Ripoffia the founder and course leader for this Negway course in easing away negatve feelings.
Below are my notes from the one day course.
9.00 am
We are in a circle of trust everyone introduces themselves and tells the group there Job, Colin IT Support, Jeff Green, Florist, Shona Ona Secretary and it comes to me, I am tempted to say Dave Banwick Drums and extra percussion, watching Spinal Tap the night before will not help me
9.30 am
Ella tells the group that goals are important, i look around the room pretending to look for a pass so I can score I must have been in a trance before she said goal look at me I am pathetic I think as I notice everyone paying full attention, I wonder if they are all day dreaming, I come o the conclusion barry is and I might talk to him at the coffee break, what time is that 10.30 fucking hell best concentrate dont want to drift off into a day dream, I look at Ella and realise I have been daydreaming and..............
cant be bothered finishing i tried to fuse two stories together, it aint working
You see the problem, joy unharnessed as me and my fellow man walk hand in hand singing all the way to la la hippy land, I am loose daddy o, I am no uptight square then bang! Mr Cynacism strikes, realising that when me and my fellow man walk hand in hand, people might hit me for being a gayer and I might get a disease, does my fellow man wash his sweaty hands, and why the hell does he want to hold my hand is he secretly trying to get me to kiss him, my fellow man, that’s fine he is my brother and like eurgh that is incest.
It was the main reason I approached the people at Negaway, they say they can erase nagative thoughts from your character on a one week residential course. Putting away all thoughts that the negative thoughts may be a defensive mechanism and the fact that I need to stop shysters taking advantage of me to one side, I boarded the coach to Ashby de la Zouch. On checking in I was greeted by Ella Des Ripoffia the founder and course leader for this Negway course in easing away negatve feelings.
Below are my notes from the one day course.
9.00 am
We are in a circle of trust everyone introduces themselves and tells the group there Job, Colin IT Support, Jeff Green, Florist, Shona Ona Secretary and it comes to me, I am tempted to say Dave Banwick Drums and extra percussion, watching Spinal Tap the night before will not help me
9.30 am
Ella tells the group that goals are important, i look around the room pretending to look for a pass so I can score I must have been in a trance before she said goal look at me I am pathetic I think as I notice everyone paying full attention, I wonder if they are all day dreaming, I come o the conclusion barry is and I might talk to him at the coffee break, what time is that 10.30 fucking hell best concentrate dont want to drift off into a day dream, I look at Ella and realise I have been daydreaming and..............
cant be bothered finishing i tried to fuse two stories together, it aint working
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Electric Cardboard
So I am scratching my head now.
I was upside down I remember that, some sort of box was involved.
I met a man called Mr Hampshire, he was wearing a pink beret and had a beard but no moustache. In fact I remember where I met him it was on the corner of Bury Hill and Sutton Road in Potton near Cambridge, why was I there? There was a cardboard box, like an office stora file but it was huge as big as a cargo container.
Mr Hampshire said it was the biggest in the world, however he had lost the lid, "they always loose the lid" he said "not to worry though because they never fit either". I don't recall who built it I remember seeing two tow trucks at either end
of a cardboard wall driving to each other and a box like shape forming as another card wall seemed to rise from its centre. It was then I heard a bang and the next thing I woke up inside a shape and it is nearly that moment I am in now, in fact all I do is turn the right way round from being upside down and I am scratching my head, and its the moment at the begining just before this flashback happened.
I tried to remember more of what happened and get some sketchy details.
I shout out " Mr Hampshire" he does not answer however I feel the sensation of movement. It feels like I am in a truck and I look up, I see the sky moving and momentarily confuse this movement for a windy day. I am in a truck. My head is scratched again but this time its well after the one at the begining because time has elapsed like the film of my life cut away to the exterior of the truck and I was at a designated time in the future and if I needed the toilet I would have been but the story did not need to go into the hows and wherefores.
I look through the pockets of my white coat and find a piece of paper, it is a screwed up first page of New Scientist, there is a picture of me in a yellow beret with my moustache minus beard, and a chap in a pink beret with a beard minus moustache. It reads
John Hampshire and James Jamshire inventors of electric cardboard predicts cardboard size transformers in every home by 2008,
This can not be true, I thought, the properties of electric cardboard are not fully understood, in a home environment it could be catastrophic. Just then the truck stopped, warning lights started beeping and the box began to move backwards down a slope,
the last thing I remember was seagul after seagul made frantic by the power of electric cardboard flying down and opening their mouths and trying to eat my yellow beret and its contents, and just then something flashed before me and the one sentence looped in my head till the thought could no longer exist and my vision turned red from the blood dripping down my brow till the stop of everything, It was John Hampshire offering to file the patent for Electric Cardboard and then laughing like a villain in a bond film.
Epilogue
What a fucking wanker you are John Hampshire what a wanker you are, no one will ever know or trust the safe domestic electric cardboard after you have finished you evil industrial electric cardboard weilding murderous scum.
I was upside down I remember that, some sort of box was involved.
I met a man called Mr Hampshire, he was wearing a pink beret and had a beard but no moustache. In fact I remember where I met him it was on the corner of Bury Hill and Sutton Road in Potton near Cambridge, why was I there? There was a cardboard box, like an office stora file but it was huge as big as a cargo container.
Mr Hampshire said it was the biggest in the world, however he had lost the lid, "they always loose the lid" he said "not to worry though because they never fit either". I don't recall who built it I remember seeing two tow trucks at either end
of a cardboard wall driving to each other and a box like shape forming as another card wall seemed to rise from its centre. It was then I heard a bang and the next thing I woke up inside a shape and it is nearly that moment I am in now, in fact all I do is turn the right way round from being upside down and I am scratching my head, and its the moment at the begining just before this flashback happened.
I tried to remember more of what happened and get some sketchy details.
I shout out " Mr Hampshire" he does not answer however I feel the sensation of movement. It feels like I am in a truck and I look up, I see the sky moving and momentarily confuse this movement for a windy day. I am in a truck. My head is scratched again but this time its well after the one at the begining because time has elapsed like the film of my life cut away to the exterior of the truck and I was at a designated time in the future and if I needed the toilet I would have been but the story did not need to go into the hows and wherefores.
I look through the pockets of my white coat and find a piece of paper, it is a screwed up first page of New Scientist, there is a picture of me in a yellow beret with my moustache minus beard, and a chap in a pink beret with a beard minus moustache. It reads
John Hampshire and James Jamshire inventors of electric cardboard predicts cardboard size transformers in every home by 2008,
This can not be true, I thought, the properties of electric cardboard are not fully understood, in a home environment it could be catastrophic. Just then the truck stopped, warning lights started beeping and the box began to move backwards down a slope,
the last thing I remember was seagul after seagul made frantic by the power of electric cardboard flying down and opening their mouths and trying to eat my yellow beret and its contents, and just then something flashed before me and the one sentence looped in my head till the thought could no longer exist and my vision turned red from the blood dripping down my brow till the stop of everything, It was John Hampshire offering to file the patent for Electric Cardboard and then laughing like a villain in a bond film.
Epilogue
What a fucking wanker you are John Hampshire what a wanker you are, no one will ever know or trust the safe domestic electric cardboard after you have finished you evil industrial electric cardboard weilding murderous scum.
Hippocamp Ruins Sgt Pepper
Get it while you can heir version of Pet Sounds did not last long
http://www.fredoviola.com/Pepper.html
Bad Poetry Alert
Such dreams are made of this.
A walk in a park.
Signs we cant see.
Its not romantic
but it is, as like as is.
A journey not too short
not too soon
Of the mind
and for the soul.
How can it be
when the pools we dance in are urban, sub urban
and yet we dance merrilly not wallowing
tomorrow strikes us its not mundane
but its here
here is my nirvana my soaring sea my glazial peak
thats because tomorrow is never with us today
and our future is tied into this.
One day we will be free and we will see
We will see clearly the exotic and quixotic hand in hand.
It lives in hope and will never die
just maybe subside and burn bright and subside and burn bright again and again
thats why I run for you, not with you
The trees
the concrete
the path not seen
the path most walked
a route not a destination.
to the end and the sea
musica poetica carl orf in the background
and no it does not make sense
A walk in a park.
Signs we cant see.
Its not romantic
but it is, as like as is.
A journey not too short
not too soon
Of the mind
and for the soul.
How can it be
when the pools we dance in are urban, sub urban
and yet we dance merrilly not wallowing
tomorrow strikes us its not mundane
but its here
here is my nirvana my soaring sea my glazial peak
thats because tomorrow is never with us today
and our future is tied into this.
One day we will be free and we will see
We will see clearly the exotic and quixotic hand in hand.
It lives in hope and will never die
just maybe subside and burn bright and subside and burn bright again and again
thats why I run for you, not with you
The trees
the concrete
the path not seen
the path most walked
a route not a destination.
to the end and the sea
musica poetica carl orf in the background
and no it does not make sense
List of no consequence Number 1
Time Team
Prunes
Garbled Voices
Valentines Day
Pen
Chilly
Alternative
Sam
Badger
Beers
Art Deco
Kitted
Cup
Horse Drawn Carriage
Apathy
Lottery
Fairtrade
5.74
Easter
Scuba Diver
Ball
Ready Brek
Tarpaulin
Tom Paulin
Sardine
Sade
Lathe
Menu
Sock Puppet
.....
Feel free to add a comment or your own words to the list of no consequence Number 1
Prunes
Garbled Voices
Valentines Day
Pen
Chilly
Alternative
Sam
Badger
Beers
Art Deco
Kitted
Cup
Horse Drawn Carriage
Apathy
Lottery
Fairtrade
5.74
Easter
Scuba Diver
Ball
Ready Brek
Tarpaulin
Tom Paulin
Sardine
Sade
Lathe
Menu
Sock Puppet
.....
Feel free to add a comment or your own words to the list of no consequence Number 1
Monday, December 12, 2005
Self Portrait
The internet is stuffed with bad out of focus self portraits of people and their camera's done in mirrors.
Do these people not have any friends....oh I see.
Well you could at least use the timer.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Every Rose
Every Rose has a thorn, not mine
I pick them off and lick them and stick them on peoples noses so
they look like a unicorn or rhino.
Sometimes I stick loads on my face and pretend I have a disease
or 3 on my forehead and pretend I am Vivian off the young ones
Bloody;APPLES!
The supermarkets in spain sell mis-shaped apples or so I was told, in fact I am not even sure there is a Spain at the moment.
I have had one of those health scares so I am doubting everything. You know bit of blood on your toilet paper and you think you have bowel cancer but you just hope it goes away as,
A)I am too young to die
and
B) I can not be bothered going to the doctors as I am a bloke and that is what we do.
Well back to the apples and enough about bloody poo's or hopefully
blood on the poo not in the poo (courtesy of the online medical journal). The implication was the apples were tastier because theS were not apple shaped so if that is true why is an apple shape not like the ones in spain all miss-shaped and..,
sorry back to my arse, gay people and adventurous ladies must bleed too so its no big dealio, just a moment of worry, but I have been tired a lot recently so it could be cancer but as I say I can't be bothered being bald and a charity case and if I am hospitalised with it I don't want to be visited with people being nice and stuff. Apples andway, yeah, how can they be tastier if they are a different shape,
if I eat a bag of crisps and eat the weird shaped ones they do not taste any different but I bet if I picked them out, put them in a bowl and kept the perfect ones for myself, I could sell the duds as "healthier lifestyle crisps" and afford to inflate my price and just have free perfect crisps just for me. Maybe I should stop watching Doc Martin
I have had one of those health scares so I am doubting everything. You know bit of blood on your toilet paper and you think you have bowel cancer but you just hope it goes away as,
A)I am too young to die
and
B) I can not be bothered going to the doctors as I am a bloke and that is what we do.
Well back to the apples and enough about bloody poo's or hopefully
blood on the poo not in the poo (courtesy of the online medical journal). The implication was the apples were tastier because theS were not apple shaped so if that is true why is an apple shape not like the ones in spain all miss-shaped and..,
sorry back to my arse, gay people and adventurous ladies must bleed too so its no big dealio, just a moment of worry, but I have been tired a lot recently so it could be cancer but as I say I can't be bothered being bald and a charity case and if I am hospitalised with it I don't want to be visited with people being nice and stuff. Apples andway, yeah, how can they be tastier if they are a different shape,
if I eat a bag of crisps and eat the weird shaped ones they do not taste any different but I bet if I picked them out, put them in a bowl and kept the perfect ones for myself, I could sell the duds as "healthier lifestyle crisps" and afford to inflate my price and just have free perfect crisps just for me. Maybe I should stop watching Doc Martin
Sunday, December 04, 2005
rock
There is this man thinks he is cool goes by the name of xxx.
Can not really let you know who he is as he once fucked the pope,
with a rope. Well anyway cool guy walks in abr girls wet their nickers they are creamed ti the max and all guy can say is, I want to erm like be a painting, more nickers come his way, he says like I like Van Gough buy me some wine while you drink beer and who the fuck are you you dirty slag, I wrote you a poem, wanna fuck, on second thought lets go the toilets I have some charie, well its cheap speed i could snort it off your tits, i am just like so art you fucking monster bitch I love your cunt buy me some gin, i love you you know that song is about you. Now shut up you moody bitch can I stick my fingers down your pants, You let me you dirty hoar, do you have any charlie, i write poetry I am gonna cry dont tell the boys. Hey lads this dirty fucker will do anythink I snorted speed of her flaps and she sucked my cock when I said that song you wrote about yer mam was about her and she was dofferent. Where so we start, are you still here I just had a shit now fuck off you are in the gents I will get you barred. I got to smash that mirror where is my fucking gin who stole myt coke I am ganna smash this room in you pathetic pissants you do not know my torture fuck off I am smashing this room. Who are you bouncers fuck off I own this joint you stole my coke , Get the pigs I do not give a shit, They sold me coke they sold me coke diie die die. Why do I want to cry, i cant tell my real friends from the hangers on so I am gonna have to fuck you and shit my self and be vunreble it will give you a better feeling in the morning like i cared but i dont because tomorrow there is more coke and bigger tits now fuck off out of here before i forget my manners and do you up the arse and sniff all my coke the bus is leaving and you will know that i wrote that song about you, try again with th next shipment of feckless fuckers we all will die of the disease.
Can not really let you know who he is as he once fucked the pope,
with a rope. Well anyway cool guy walks in abr girls wet their nickers they are creamed ti the max and all guy can say is, I want to erm like be a painting, more nickers come his way, he says like I like Van Gough buy me some wine while you drink beer and who the fuck are you you dirty slag, I wrote you a poem, wanna fuck, on second thought lets go the toilets I have some charie, well its cheap speed i could snort it off your tits, i am just like so art you fucking monster bitch I love your cunt buy me some gin, i love you you know that song is about you. Now shut up you moody bitch can I stick my fingers down your pants, You let me you dirty hoar, do you have any charlie, i write poetry I am gonna cry dont tell the boys. Hey lads this dirty fucker will do anythink I snorted speed of her flaps and she sucked my cock when I said that song you wrote about yer mam was about her and she was dofferent. Where so we start, are you still here I just had a shit now fuck off you are in the gents I will get you barred. I got to smash that mirror where is my fucking gin who stole myt coke I am ganna smash this room in you pathetic pissants you do not know my torture fuck off I am smashing this room. Who are you bouncers fuck off I own this joint you stole my coke , Get the pigs I do not give a shit, They sold me coke they sold me coke diie die die. Why do I want to cry, i cant tell my real friends from the hangers on so I am gonna have to fuck you and shit my self and be vunreble it will give you a better feeling in the morning like i cared but i dont because tomorrow there is more coke and bigger tits now fuck off out of here before i forget my manners and do you up the arse and sniff all my coke the bus is leaving and you will know that i wrote that song about you, try again with th next shipment of feckless fuckers we all will die of the disease.
Things to make you say..Fuck Off
Nuts in clear plastic bags
Jools Holland
Sky Sports News
Gary Lineker
Long Sleeve Shirts with T Shirts above that are fake and not two garments
Male Models
ITV
Ice Lollys that have defrosted and then been refrozen so they have a weird texture
Bel Biv Devoe
Home Pages
People saying, are you OK
Boy Bands
Not being able to roller skate when you are drunk without everyone thinking you weird
Drums
Pirates
People asking for a fare on a bus and then going through their purse to find the right money
Pensioners and people with prams in rush hour
Cunts
The Warm Arts
Me and my lists
People being too nice
Milk Men
Jazz
Mirrors
People
Ants
Beer
Wrestlers
Bobby
People who say your so clever when really they are so thick
Jools Holland
Sky Sports News
Gary Lineker
Long Sleeve Shirts with T Shirts above that are fake and not two garments
Male Models
ITV
Ice Lollys that have defrosted and then been refrozen so they have a weird texture
Bel Biv Devoe
Home Pages
People saying, are you OK
Boy Bands
Not being able to roller skate when you are drunk without everyone thinking you weird
Drums
Pirates
People asking for a fare on a bus and then going through their purse to find the right money
Pensioners and people with prams in rush hour
Cunts
The Warm Arts
Me and my lists
People being too nice
Milk Men
Jazz
Mirrors
People
Ants
Beer
Wrestlers
Bobby
People who say your so clever when really they are so thick
Friday, December 02, 2005
Shop
Note to shops in the Northern Quarter.
Selling virtually nothing does not give you the right to have a pretentious wanker on a laptop sneering at everyone like you own an art gallery and you have to let the plebs in just to make ends meet. If you want to feel superior go work in a record shop!
Amd yes, I am slightly rounder than I should be but I am not bitter (much)
Selling virtually nothing does not give you the right to have a pretentious wanker on a laptop sneering at everyone like you own an art gallery and you have to let the plebs in just to make ends meet. If you want to feel superior go work in a record shop!
Amd yes, I am slightly rounder than I should be but I am not bitter (much)
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Stolen
This man presents grand designs on Channel 4.
he has stolen louis theroux
's voice. Give it back you pompous middle class twit, and while you are at it give Jerry Springer his heartfelt eulogy that you stole to use at the end of your show back too.
Thank you.
Ode to wall Grey or Gray?
Grey wall that separates Piccadilly gardens from the bus station why are you there?
If you are there to stop the wind why are you so grey and dull?
Why not be made out of glass instead you stupid wall so we can all see where Primark is?
Grey wall that separates Piccadilly gardens from the bus station why are you there?
If you are there to stop people seeing on coming trams then why are you so grey and dull?
Why not be made out of glass instead you stupid wall so we can all see where the trams are coming and so not die.?
Grey wall that separates Piccadilly gardens from the bus station why are you there?
If you are there to help people weeing on a late night out then why are you so grey and dull?
Why not be made out of glass instead you stupid wall so we can all make it seem we have bigger dicks and scare the kids in the fountain using magnification.
Oh grey wall will you ever learn no one likes you, they all think you are shit so why not fall over or move to Aberdeen and make way for our good old friend the (plexi) glass wall
If you are there to stop the wind why are you so grey and dull?
Why not be made out of glass instead you stupid wall so we can all see where Primark is?
Grey wall that separates Piccadilly gardens from the bus station why are you there?
If you are there to stop people seeing on coming trams then why are you so grey and dull?
Why not be made out of glass instead you stupid wall so we can all see where the trams are coming and so not die.?
Grey wall that separates Piccadilly gardens from the bus station why are you there?
If you are there to help people weeing on a late night out then why are you so grey and dull?
Why not be made out of glass instead you stupid wall so we can all make it seem we have bigger dicks and scare the kids in the fountain using magnification.
Oh grey wall will you ever learn no one likes you, they all think you are shit so why not fall over or move to Aberdeen and make way for our good old friend the (plexi) glass wall
Olympic Relay
The baton fell to the floor and each bounce was as loud as two whales ramming into each other. The money, the time, the effort I had made to get here, and when it came to it I failed. I had done it countless times before and we had trained very hard to get it right. There had been eight of us at the start and I had been the best throughout the training sessions. I could feel the eyes of the whole stadium and see the cameras focusing in on me. I was glad I was wearing sunglasses as my eyes were going red. It was then I heard a voice.
“pick it up” I looked around I was not too far behind the others, so I swooped down retrieved the baton and carried on only adjusting my stride lightly. My hungry heartbeat, slowed to its normal pace and as I handed it to the 6’2” colossus of an athlete in front of me.
I thought he must have seen me drop the baton, why else was he getting it last, but his face was by then just steely, focused on the 100 metres ahead of him and the next change over in the relay. I stood behind him gathered his belongings and put them in the basket and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. The Olympics is the pinnacle of sporting achievement and I had just succeeded in my life’s ambition in taking part in the games. Relief shot over my face and I managed my first smile of a nerve-jangling day. Tomorrow I would be a judge on the 40km walk lets hope it is not as dramatic as today.
“pick it up” I looked around I was not too far behind the others, so I swooped down retrieved the baton and carried on only adjusting my stride lightly. My hungry heartbeat, slowed to its normal pace and as I handed it to the 6’2” colossus of an athlete in front of me.
I thought he must have seen me drop the baton, why else was he getting it last, but his face was by then just steely, focused on the 100 metres ahead of him and the next change over in the relay. I stood behind him gathered his belongings and put them in the basket and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. The Olympics is the pinnacle of sporting achievement and I had just succeeded in my life’s ambition in taking part in the games. Relief shot over my face and I managed my first smile of a nerve-jangling day. Tomorrow I would be a judge on the 40km walk lets hope it is not as dramatic as today.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
How I invented...Television
Funny story really I was peeling some potatoes in my kitchen and staring at the newspaper the peelings were landing on I noticed that there was a blank page next to the radio listings. I thought to myself, there must be an easier way to fill the papers. I stopped peeling and sat at by drawing board for about 25 minutes and thought why not just shrink a cinema put it in a box and have the picture projected like the radio, that way once once every one had one they would need to know what was going to be on it and would fill that gap in the newspapers next to the radio listings. Come to think of it, its not really that funny.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
How I invented...The Michael Jackson song Libirian Girl to raise awareness about African politics
Funny story really I was Ironing a newspaper wearing just my underpants and saw a headline about a civil war in Liberia. I thought to myself, there must be an easier way of getting by in life without resorting to bloodshed. I stopped ironing and sat by my drawing board for about 25 minutes and thought why not just write a song to show that girls from libereria can change your world and love can solve everything, perhaps it will put Liberia on the map so western society can ask its self some questions about why it ignores african politics. It did not really work so I made a George Weah instead, it was working really well till he lost the election to a woman. Come to think of it, its not really that funny.
How I invented...Darts
Funny story really I was running a half marathon in Stoke and looking through the crowds I noticed an Archery club, it seemed to take up a lot of room and looked like a very long walk to retrive your arrows. I thought to myself, there must be an easier way. I stopped running and burst into an Architects practice and hired a drawing board for an hour. 25 minutes later and I thought, why not just make the board and arrows smaller and rather than aiming for rings introduce a points system, I immediatly set about making a prototype and on my way to show it off to the captains of the archery club I stopped off at the pub, and told the barman my story, suddenly I was surrounded by fat men who all wanted a go as they were too unfit to play real archery and were not allowed into the archery club as they were not allowed to use archery buggies (think golf buggies but with a larger storage capacity) on Grand National Society Land and they were too fat to walk. The fat men loved it and I was so pleased to see their reaction that I did not bother to see the archery people. Come to think of it, its not really that funny.
How I invented...Wheelybins
Funny story really I was playing with some weights in my gym and looking through the window I saw Mrs Charlton who had to be about 90 struggling with her bin as the bin men were due on Tuesday and the week before they had not collected her rubbish so it was a monster load. I thought to myself, there must be an easier way. I stopped working out and sat at by drawing board for about 25 minutes and thought why not just add wheels to one side of the bin, that way once the centre of gravity was found there would be little weight as t was all bearing its load on the wheels. Come to think of it, its not really that funny.
April and the Arse kicking Bambi Assassins - Introduction
One day on a mild and murky April morning a band of girls known simply by their most famous member and the shocking deeds they did upon the wilds of the enchanted Quelvar Forrest were setting off on a new mission to stick pins in a badger to make sure it knew how it felt to be a hedgehog, in the hope that a valuable life lesson could be tought to the badger and that it would bleed and hopefully die from the wounds the sadistic team did to the only slightly evil badgers of Quelvar woods.
April and the Asskicking Bambi Assasins (arse kicking for the UK market) were not your normal ladies, well not normal for Quelvar woods, were they normal for Quelvar woods they would be some squat, round, fairy like, sister mary types who eat too many mushrooms and worried about making childrens wishes come true.
These cats, or sisters if you feel my language too beatnic, preferred violence. They were not evil, heck they were ironic super heroes with a fettish for animal cruelty justice and despite never having been there American family values.
Before I tell you about the adventures of April and the Arse Kicking Bambi Assasins I feel it only correct to introduce you to the team.
April,
The leader of the troupe, she is 17 6'4 only wears pink fur, has died her hair pink, loves punk rock.
her hobbies are knitting karate and voodoo. She is the eldest and leader of the gang the arse kicking bambi assasins.
The 4 Arse kicking Bambi Assasins are
May aged 17 5'9
Stuborn and sporty and born with only one arm, she will only wear emerald green.
Loves the film of flash gordon, when she was ten she met Bambi who she thought was really cool after she painted May's cat pink and stuck a rocket up her bum and fired it into the next door neighbours greenhouse.
June 17 2'3
May's half sister, Loves Science has a hole in her middle caused by an accident with Hydrochloric Acid.
Enjoys thinking of new ways to torture animals using her scientific knowledge.
Hates, pretty girls who are into science who wear glasses and let their hair down when they see men. Loves to flaunt her hole
Octavia 17 5'5
A German girly girl, also loves to wear pink but April will not let her so wears sequins and shiny belts.
Got into the gang when the girls saw her on the internet putting her brothers rabbit into the blender drinking it and spitting out the bones. Has blonde hair that is always frizzy.
Belle 16
The Sex bomb of the troupe often uses the animals for ahem sexual encounters
Never goes on missions with the other girls is just refered to in the stories
April and the Asskicking Bambi Assasins (arse kicking for the UK market) were not your normal ladies, well not normal for Quelvar woods, were they normal for Quelvar woods they would be some squat, round, fairy like, sister mary types who eat too many mushrooms and worried about making childrens wishes come true.
These cats, or sisters if you feel my language too beatnic, preferred violence. They were not evil, heck they were ironic super heroes with a fettish for animal cruelty justice and despite never having been there American family values.
Before I tell you about the adventures of April and the Arse Kicking Bambi Assasins I feel it only correct to introduce you to the team.
April,
The leader of the troupe, she is 17 6'4 only wears pink fur, has died her hair pink, loves punk rock.
her hobbies are knitting karate and voodoo. She is the eldest and leader of the gang the arse kicking bambi assasins.
The 4 Arse kicking Bambi Assasins are
May aged 17 5'9
Stuborn and sporty and born with only one arm, she will only wear emerald green.
Loves the film of flash gordon, when she was ten she met Bambi who she thought was really cool after she painted May's cat pink and stuck a rocket up her bum and fired it into the next door neighbours greenhouse.
June 17 2'3
May's half sister, Loves Science has a hole in her middle caused by an accident with Hydrochloric Acid.
Enjoys thinking of new ways to torture animals using her scientific knowledge.
Hates, pretty girls who are into science who wear glasses and let their hair down when they see men. Loves to flaunt her hole
Octavia 17 5'5
A German girly girl, also loves to wear pink but April will not let her so wears sequins and shiny belts.
Got into the gang when the girls saw her on the internet putting her brothers rabbit into the blender drinking it and spitting out the bones. Has blonde hair that is always frizzy.
Belle 16
The Sex bomb of the troupe often uses the animals for ahem sexual encounters
Never goes on missions with the other girls is just refered to in the stories
Stories of April and the Arse Kicking Bambi Assassins will apear soon
3.57
3.57
Its never the start you wonder about.
the end is wear the mystery lies
this is the story of the middle
by being the middle its either the begining of the end or the end of the begining
thats confusion for you.
so i will start or rather i will middle
"fucking thing", said Angelique she seemed to be looking for spanners everywhere except in the bag where the hammers were, there was no telling where they were. The blue suit was ruined but we needed the car for the spring conference. there are only so many melons you an fit in a bag.
A bag of seemingly random monkeys. Its not the point really. Need a car or a bag which one ISA 400 wont bring out the colours in this light. It barked but not like a tree more like a great winged eagle or a smaller magpie.Is it a sin to love again.
Its never the start you wonder about.
the end is wear the mystery lies
this is the story of the middle
by being the middle its either the begining of the end or the end of the begining
thats confusion for you.
so i will start or rather i will middle
"fucking thing", said Angelique she seemed to be looking for spanners everywhere except in the bag where the hammers were, there was no telling where they were. The blue suit was ruined but we needed the car for the spring conference. there are only so many melons you an fit in a bag.
A bag of seemingly random monkeys. Its not the point really. Need a car or a bag which one ISA 400 wont bring out the colours in this light. It barked but not like a tree more like a great winged eagle or a smaller magpie.Is it a sin to love again.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Statement
just want you all to be fully aware that most of what is here I personally think is shit.
I am not exercising qualty control most of the stuff is just what it is slightly retentious unfinished tat with no spell check or any shit like that.
If a piece is not written live directly into a blog editor and is merely pasted from somewhere else it will be marked "old" I have a lot of "old" shit and a lot of new shit, its just sometimes I find the "old" shit and feel I should put it up here for some twisted reason and it saves me having a load of word files on my mac. If i was serious about anything I had written I would not put it up here to be ignored I would put it somewhere where it could be ignored a hell of a lot more
Half Painted White Old
Its very clear to see out of the windows once you wipe away the dust and grime.
I must be twenty feet above the ground here, there are beams of wood precariously balanced on paint tins and dirty white blankets cover an old sofa that looks as though it was comfortable to lounge in ten – twenty years ago. A cobweb abandoned by a spider slowly bristles as it is captured by an almost imperceptible wind. An uneaten dead fly slowly rots in its midst. I release a cough from my chest only to break the silence penetrating every cubic centimetre of the room. There is a slight echo so I cough again only louder to experience the full echo. I walk to the corner and examine an upturned tea chest with two empty tea mugs on it, one says worlds best 40 year old the other is a traditional white and blue prison style mug. At the bottom of the mugs are the ruminants of a recently drunk cup of tea. I contemplate taking the mugs to be washed until I remember that the water does not work. I then turn to face the walls half painted white and half painted blue, I try to decide which was in the process of being painted on before the work was abandoned, I then remember the paint cans and check their colours, all three of them are blue so I presume the walls used to be white. Its then I hear the doors creak and the clonk of feet on timber, it’s the estate agent. “Well what do you think” she calls out. I half shrug my shoulders. “We will put in water and electrics depending on how you want to do it and you have a fantastic view of the city”. I ask her when it will be ready and she checks her clipboarded documents. “Anywhere between 3-4 weeks”, “OK” I say and I throw my bag down.
“Don’t worry about the water though, I have a nice strong rope and those joists up above look strong enough to hold ten men, can I pay you cash”
“yes the estate agent says, I just need you to sign this, it’s a disclaimer indemnifying us from any claims made by your next of kin as you must understand this is not a normal request, in fact we have never done this”
With the forms signed and the £250 paid the estate agent leaves reiterating “that an undertaker doctor and the police will be called in accordance with your wishes in twenty three days time at 5.00pm.
With the departure of the estate agent the green bag previously dropped to the ground was pulled open, and a towrope removed, and also a beige ringed pad and a green pen, I then begin to write in blue ink.
The walls were always half painted white half painted blue…………….
I paused and walked to the windows and began to wipe them clean with my sleeve
And chewing on my pen looking into the chaos of the city began to think.
Inspired by Club Suicide at John Willie Lees
Jamjam23
From papercut 2 (ITC special 2002)
I must be twenty feet above the ground here, there are beams of wood precariously balanced on paint tins and dirty white blankets cover an old sofa that looks as though it was comfortable to lounge in ten – twenty years ago. A cobweb abandoned by a spider slowly bristles as it is captured by an almost imperceptible wind. An uneaten dead fly slowly rots in its midst. I release a cough from my chest only to break the silence penetrating every cubic centimetre of the room. There is a slight echo so I cough again only louder to experience the full echo. I walk to the corner and examine an upturned tea chest with two empty tea mugs on it, one says worlds best 40 year old the other is a traditional white and blue prison style mug. At the bottom of the mugs are the ruminants of a recently drunk cup of tea. I contemplate taking the mugs to be washed until I remember that the water does not work. I then turn to face the walls half painted white and half painted blue, I try to decide which was in the process of being painted on before the work was abandoned, I then remember the paint cans and check their colours, all three of them are blue so I presume the walls used to be white. Its then I hear the doors creak and the clonk of feet on timber, it’s the estate agent. “Well what do you think” she calls out. I half shrug my shoulders. “We will put in water and electrics depending on how you want to do it and you have a fantastic view of the city”. I ask her when it will be ready and she checks her clipboarded documents. “Anywhere between 3-4 weeks”, “OK” I say and I throw my bag down.
“Don’t worry about the water though, I have a nice strong rope and those joists up above look strong enough to hold ten men, can I pay you cash”
“yes the estate agent says, I just need you to sign this, it’s a disclaimer indemnifying us from any claims made by your next of kin as you must understand this is not a normal request, in fact we have never done this”
With the forms signed and the £250 paid the estate agent leaves reiterating “that an undertaker doctor and the police will be called in accordance with your wishes in twenty three days time at 5.00pm.
With the departure of the estate agent the green bag previously dropped to the ground was pulled open, and a towrope removed, and also a beige ringed pad and a green pen, I then begin to write in blue ink.
The walls were always half painted white half painted blue…………….
I paused and walked to the windows and began to wipe them clean with my sleeve
And chewing on my pen looking into the chaos of the city began to think.
Inspired by Club Suicide at John Willie Lees
Jamjam23
From papercut 2 (ITC special 2002)
1958
I wanna dream about 1958
All the people I would hate
Dungarees Elvis and bungalows
A running fight in the land of crows
Upside down is where I want my head
Walking round like the living dead
A zombie walk for all to see
And just being there being me
I want to fly through time
And explore the minuitiai
Of times gone by and times to come
But its not for evil its just for fun
Be a grandfather clock in the house of lords
The cotton maker who invented cords
Its not the time you see it isn’t me
Its not the time you are it isn’t me
I want dream about Fernando Poo
The evil junta that just would not do
Men in hats and strpey ponchos
As I awake in court with the head honchos
Upside down is where I want my head
Walking round like the living dead
A zombie walk for all to see
And just being there being me
I want to fly through time
And explore the minuitiai
Of times gone by and times to come
Not for evil just for fun
shiiit
All the people I would hate
Dungarees Elvis and bungalows
A running fight in the land of crows
Upside down is where I want my head
Walking round like the living dead
A zombie walk for all to see
And just being there being me
I want to fly through time
And explore the minuitiai
Of times gone by and times to come
But its not for evil its just for fun
Be a grandfather clock in the house of lords
The cotton maker who invented cords
Its not the time you see it isn’t me
Its not the time you are it isn’t me
I want dream about Fernando Poo
The evil junta that just would not do
Men in hats and strpey ponchos
As I awake in court with the head honchos
Upside down is where I want my head
Walking round like the living dead
A zombie walk for all to see
And just being there being me
I want to fly through time
And explore the minuitiai
Of times gone by and times to come
Not for evil just for fun
shiiit
Film Pitch Pretentious 1
There was a party, unfortunately it starred me. It was not meant to.
This is why I am here right now, in this field, paralysed listening to
classical music that only I can hear, crying at the sky and its never ending beauty,
which makes me cry more, as when I see it through tears it reflects even more.
This was not meant to be me, I had fought no wars, seen no love been hurtful to no one but I am here feeling the gentle breeze along my face wondering when or if I will stand up again.
The memories of smiles seem a long time ago now, that last euphoric moment before, before what I don’t remember, I remember green but as I claw this grass with my hands I cant feel its colour, but I remember I am cold, thinking about it,
I don’t remember anything.
That up there, that is my cloud, the numilus cumulus one that’s fluffy and builds up high into the sky,
I think I will go there now, I am ready to be carried by it, It feels like the smell of love.
As a film
Read as a narration, see extra shot for dialogue music by ennio morricone the mission
Shots, these shots will be long and ponderous (and artsy complatative)
Man lying in grass from above
Possibly people dancing around him but only their feet
Close up on Eyes crying
Close up on hand with grass in it
Things blowing over body to symbolise wind
Clouds lots of them (preferably white fluffy ones)
Extra shot,
Ravers/paramedics rush to the body
“oh my god, oh my god”
This is why I am here right now, in this field, paralysed listening to
classical music that only I can hear, crying at the sky and its never ending beauty,
which makes me cry more, as when I see it through tears it reflects even more.
This was not meant to be me, I had fought no wars, seen no love been hurtful to no one but I am here feeling the gentle breeze along my face wondering when or if I will stand up again.
The memories of smiles seem a long time ago now, that last euphoric moment before, before what I don’t remember, I remember green but as I claw this grass with my hands I cant feel its colour, but I remember I am cold, thinking about it,
I don’t remember anything.
That up there, that is my cloud, the numilus cumulus one that’s fluffy and builds up high into the sky,
I think I will go there now, I am ready to be carried by it, It feels like the smell of love.
As a film
Read as a narration, see extra shot for dialogue music by ennio morricone the mission
Shots, these shots will be long and ponderous (and artsy complatative)
Man lying in grass from above
Possibly people dancing around him but only their feet
Close up on Eyes crying
Close up on hand with grass in it
Things blowing over body to symbolise wind
Clouds lots of them (preferably white fluffy ones)
Extra shot,
Ravers/paramedics rush to the body
“oh my god, oh my god”
Win an Ipod
Dont believe it.
They lie all the time
Win an Ipod Play Sodoku
An instant gratifaction
You are like them
You would fit in
if only you won an ipod or played sodoku
buzzword fantasies hooking you in
welcome to auschwitz
take a shower
every 600th wins an ipod
play a sodoku in the queue
Decide what you want
ignore their forced desires
deprogram yourself
consume consume all your desires
come on in win an ipod
its probably a shuffle anyway
play sodoku
it wont make you clever
They lie all the time
Win an Ipod Play Sodoku
An instant gratifaction
You are like them
You would fit in
if only you won an ipod or played sodoku
buzzword fantasies hooking you in
welcome to auschwitz
take a shower
every 600th wins an ipod
play a sodoku in the queue
Decide what you want
ignore their forced desires
deprogram yourself
consume consume all your desires
come on in win an ipod
its probably a shuffle anyway
play sodoku
it wont make you clever
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Ideas 2
Why not call the United Kingdom, AAAAAUnited Kingdom that way when we register or buy something on-line
we could save time scrolling, if we saved this time the entire population could club together and perhaps blow up a baloon or something.
PS As this is a UK idea Yemen can not suddenly start calling itself AAAAAAAYemen otherwise I will fly over there with a pin!
we could save time scrolling, if we saved this time the entire population could club together and perhaps blow up a baloon or something.
PS As this is a UK idea Yemen can not suddenly start calling itself AAAAAAAYemen otherwise I will fly over there with a pin!
Friday, November 11, 2005
Amnesty
Why not buy a badge and activate it.
I did P519322
Rememebr how governments used to rule in the history lessons at school, now take one step back. Can you see now.
Http://www.protectthehuman.com
Crack
Do you think anyone has ever found a crack in the walls of their house and treated it with oil of olay?
Little Brittain
Are they the new Wham! think about it a really succesful double act with one member far more talented than the other.
Popular beyond any logical reason especialy with women and the young.
When is the rugged solo career followed by coming out as gay (oh!)
Popular beyond any logical reason especialy with women and the young.
When is the rugged solo career followed by coming out as gay (oh!)
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Film Pitches 2
English Pie.
Boy shags a hollands meat pie. His dad catches him as he returns from the pit.
His dad tells him all about the joys of sex and really embaresses him by saying
he did it with a wippet before he married his mum when he was 17.
At the school disco one of his best friend ends up shagging Stiflers mum who is a dinner lady who smells like gravy,
one of them eats a curry pie and can not stop shitting and one of them eats a hash pie and is like stoned and says wow a lot,
and on the way back home from the disco they bump into the wigan pie army and forced to have sex with the
pie army majorette who has a mimsy that, funily enough tastes like a meat and potatoe pie and like a fresh oven pie also leaves you with lesions in your mouth.
Like porkys but with pies and heart!
Family fun!
Eideltwine
The man in the queue was not quite sure if it was happening or not, I t could all of been a ruse but he grabbed hold of the lead and dragged his kettle a yard or so nearer to the door. The kettle looked tired and bedraggled the chrome plating worn to a dull semi-shine with blotches and marks signalling each murderous boil of water.
The queue had not really moved for an hour it just got closer together as the temperature moved another degree colder.
“Is that an Electrolux” the woman said looking down at the mans kettle, “no it’s a Dualit, I used to have the matching toaster until last week when I had to bring him in during the toast famine, what you got”
“Russell Hobbs, I was not going to come but I saw what happened to all the people who were hiding Brevils so I dared not risk it” said the woman
Just then the door opened and a man called out
“Place Electric Kettles to the left on the floor and hold there flexes in your hand, all other kettles place between your legs and remove any whistles”
He made the same statement half an hour ago and half an hour before that but this time he added.
“The doors will open in 15 minutes, you will now be given a card depending on your kettle and you will either be allocated an electrical socket or a gas ring in the hob section. Water will be available in buckets every 15 metres between the stoves or electrical sockets ”.
“Same deal as with the toasters, it’s going to be tremendously hectic” said the man to the woman”
“ When your kettle is boiled” continued the man “ the water must be poured into the channel, when you have done this leave the kettle empty and unplugged in the bins marked spent kettles”
“I heard they are going to be asking us for our deep fat fryers next” said the woman
The cards were then handed out and then after a wait of about ten minutes the doors opened and a collective scrape signalled the kettles being dragged towards them.
As the man and woman entered the room they could hear Eideltwine’s booming voice emanating from deep in his lair in a kind of broken English that would indicate to anyone that Eideltwine the 600ft tall giant was not a born English speaker. “I am parched, hurrying up with that cuppa of tea”
The man and woman diligently made their way to their designated electrical socket.
“I have a plan, I am going to kill Eideltwine, we can not go on being ruled by a giant,
we must assassinate him, first it was all the toasters, then the Brevills and the slow cookers, now the kettles, when will it end, all I have in my kitchen now is a soda stream and an electric can opener”
“But how, Eideltwine is the supreme leader of earth, he could kill you simply by causing you death or removing your limbs or that other thing” said the woman
“I know all about that but someone has to make a stand, quick if we run down the water shoot we should enter the milk room, I know a farmer who had to bring all his cows in who has designed a new poison that comes straight from the udder, however it turns tea green and, I am an international die specialist and I can die anything to the beige of tea” said the man
The man and woman then kissed
“Help me up” said the man as the woman struggled to shove the lard arse mans lard arse into the water shoot “ Now toots grab my arm”.
“No” said the woman “ First tell me who is the farmer with the poison cows”
“Its Jack Bean now quick get in before the first kettles begin to come to the boil”
The woman then draws out her walky talky. “Farmer Jack Bean poison cows,
Lock them down, pass no green tea to his majesty Eideltwine and release the water stream now”
The man then struggles to remove himself from the shoot, but he is too fat and can not do it, he looks at the woman and says
“How could you, Eideltwine is a monster, he is destroying the worlds supply of kitchen equipment, surely your kitchen must be empty and he looks a bit foreign looking and can’t speak English properly ”
“Eideltwine is my father, and I have never been into gadgets I prefer a more traditional form of food preparation which is unusual in today’s cash rich time poor society, I just want you to know one thing though, I only kissed you so you would get in to the water trough, and tell me who had the cows you ugly fat fucker, Now release the water”
“arghhhh” said the man as he was boiled alive until he was dead from a big stream of boiling water that was pouring all over his lard like body.
The end
Eideltwine
jamjam23 for papercut magazine
The queue had not really moved for an hour it just got closer together as the temperature moved another degree colder.
“Is that an Electrolux” the woman said looking down at the mans kettle, “no it’s a Dualit, I used to have the matching toaster until last week when I had to bring him in during the toast famine, what you got”
“Russell Hobbs, I was not going to come but I saw what happened to all the people who were hiding Brevils so I dared not risk it” said the woman
Just then the door opened and a man called out
“Place Electric Kettles to the left on the floor and hold there flexes in your hand, all other kettles place between your legs and remove any whistles”
He made the same statement half an hour ago and half an hour before that but this time he added.
“The doors will open in 15 minutes, you will now be given a card depending on your kettle and you will either be allocated an electrical socket or a gas ring in the hob section. Water will be available in buckets every 15 metres between the stoves or electrical sockets ”.
“Same deal as with the toasters, it’s going to be tremendously hectic” said the man to the woman”
“ When your kettle is boiled” continued the man “ the water must be poured into the channel, when you have done this leave the kettle empty and unplugged in the bins marked spent kettles”
“I heard they are going to be asking us for our deep fat fryers next” said the woman
The cards were then handed out and then after a wait of about ten minutes the doors opened and a collective scrape signalled the kettles being dragged towards them.
As the man and woman entered the room they could hear Eideltwine’s booming voice emanating from deep in his lair in a kind of broken English that would indicate to anyone that Eideltwine the 600ft tall giant was not a born English speaker. “I am parched, hurrying up with that cuppa of tea”
The man and woman diligently made their way to their designated electrical socket.
“I have a plan, I am going to kill Eideltwine, we can not go on being ruled by a giant,
we must assassinate him, first it was all the toasters, then the Brevills and the slow cookers, now the kettles, when will it end, all I have in my kitchen now is a soda stream and an electric can opener”
“But how, Eideltwine is the supreme leader of earth, he could kill you simply by causing you death or removing your limbs or that other thing” said the woman
“I know all about that but someone has to make a stand, quick if we run down the water shoot we should enter the milk room, I know a farmer who had to bring all his cows in who has designed a new poison that comes straight from the udder, however it turns tea green and, I am an international die specialist and I can die anything to the beige of tea” said the man
The man and woman then kissed
“Help me up” said the man as the woman struggled to shove the lard arse mans lard arse into the water shoot “ Now toots grab my arm”.
“No” said the woman “ First tell me who is the farmer with the poison cows”
“Its Jack Bean now quick get in before the first kettles begin to come to the boil”
The woman then draws out her walky talky. “Farmer Jack Bean poison cows,
Lock them down, pass no green tea to his majesty Eideltwine and release the water stream now”
The man then struggles to remove himself from the shoot, but he is too fat and can not do it, he looks at the woman and says
“How could you, Eideltwine is a monster, he is destroying the worlds supply of kitchen equipment, surely your kitchen must be empty and he looks a bit foreign looking and can’t speak English properly ”
“Eideltwine is my father, and I have never been into gadgets I prefer a more traditional form of food preparation which is unusual in today’s cash rich time poor society, I just want you to know one thing though, I only kissed you so you would get in to the water trough, and tell me who had the cows you ugly fat fucker, Now release the water”
“arghhhh” said the man as he was boiled alive until he was dead from a big stream of boiling water that was pouring all over his lard like body.
The end
Eideltwine
jamjam23 for papercut magazine
Old Diddy loves Pink
Diddy Loves Pink
jamjam23 2003
I have in my possesion a journal of a mission I undertook last summer. Its too long to type out verbatim It looks the whole of my day on 23/06/2002 from tedious meandering on my journey from manchester to scarbrough with each log timed. I set myself a misson. a couple of days earlier after constantly postponing a proposed project with a real artist (Emily Dennison) based around Diddy loves pink. The thing was we could not think of anything with substance. Simply photographing or trying to find out who wrote this piece of grafitti was not enough for me, I felt it meant more to me. So on the friday i made T shirts yellow on black emblazoned with the phrze "diddy loves pink" in bold black. I had a vague idea i wanted to take a photo of it on scarbrough beach surrounded by yellow beacons, i also wanted out of my house as I hate parties, there was one organised for the saturday evening. On the friday night up in my room I formulated a plan so i would act on this idea. It was to do with the thing i mentioned earlier and drink a cup of tea and eat fish and chips (a strike to feel more english?) at a restraunt with a sea view. I typd out a manifesto and printed two copies off. One to tell my flat mates what I was up to and one for me so i would not forget, i also left a book for my housemates or anyone at the party to log their comments about this endeavour. I then awoke early on the saturday packed my things and headed to the station.
When i arrived at Scarbrough i was strangely captivated not only by its strange beauty which i had not expected but by its proximity to the north sea. I did when i was a child live on the north sea coast in holland and it was strange to get these feelings as i might have chosen blackpool had the day been colder and my ambition smaller. Non the less i tried to supress these feelings overtaking me and instead made my way to a beach overrun with tourists so i could find my fish and chip restraunt. After a brief destraction of the arcades where i found a machine to make stickers of my t shirt and numorous ways to blow my money, and after countless strange looks. I found my restraunt drank my tea and ate my food the restraunt hadw a beautiful seaview and realised my afternoon had turned to early evening and i had still not placed my tshirt on the beach. I walked all the way to the opposite side of the coast to the point where the beach becomes slightly more rocky with little pools for catching crabs
set down my tshirt and beacons and snapped away. I felt strangly unstatisfied but completely justified. i packed up my stuff and headed for a nearby cafe and ordered another cup of tea, and watched the sea. It was then i knew why i had come to scarbrough it was to see my old friend the north sea which i had not swam in since i was 6. I made my way back to the beach placed my bag on the floor and proceeded to walk into the sea, I managed to get about 12 feet in until i realised my jeans were soaked upto my knees but i did not care, I thought i would walk further but iturned back to the coast and saw my bag about to be devoured by the incoming tide and decided it was time to catch the train. I arrived back in manchester some 4 hours later at 10.45 had a pint and headed home to a houseparty where no one had noticed my book just read my manifesto and thought Hmmm.
Hmmm. I had intended to type up the whole encounter the next day but time waits for no one and another half finished project sat on my floor. I then decided to box up the journals and send them away to an art pilanthropist together with a bottle of north sea I had collected, again its still on my floor, the sediment is at the bottom of the bottle, the tshirt has been worn once too often and i have began more projects but I wish to thank diddy for loving pink and showing me I love the north sea.
jamjam23 2003
I have in my possesion a journal of a mission I undertook last summer. Its too long to type out verbatim It looks the whole of my day on 23/06/2002 from tedious meandering on my journey from manchester to scarbrough with each log timed. I set myself a misson. a couple of days earlier after constantly postponing a proposed project with a real artist (Emily Dennison) based around Diddy loves pink. The thing was we could not think of anything with substance. Simply photographing or trying to find out who wrote this piece of grafitti was not enough for me, I felt it meant more to me. So on the friday i made T shirts yellow on black emblazoned with the phrze "diddy loves pink" in bold black. I had a vague idea i wanted to take a photo of it on scarbrough beach surrounded by yellow beacons, i also wanted out of my house as I hate parties, there was one organised for the saturday evening. On the friday night up in my room I formulated a plan so i would act on this idea. It was to do with the thing i mentioned earlier and drink a cup of tea and eat fish and chips (a strike to feel more english?) at a restraunt with a sea view. I typd out a manifesto and printed two copies off. One to tell my flat mates what I was up to and one for me so i would not forget, i also left a book for my housemates or anyone at the party to log their comments about this endeavour. I then awoke early on the saturday packed my things and headed to the station.
When i arrived at Scarbrough i was strangely captivated not only by its strange beauty which i had not expected but by its proximity to the north sea. I did when i was a child live on the north sea coast in holland and it was strange to get these feelings as i might have chosen blackpool had the day been colder and my ambition smaller. Non the less i tried to supress these feelings overtaking me and instead made my way to a beach overrun with tourists so i could find my fish and chip restraunt. After a brief destraction of the arcades where i found a machine to make stickers of my t shirt and numorous ways to blow my money, and after countless strange looks. I found my restraunt drank my tea and ate my food the restraunt hadw a beautiful seaview and realised my afternoon had turned to early evening and i had still not placed my tshirt on the beach. I walked all the way to the opposite side of the coast to the point where the beach becomes slightly more rocky with little pools for catching crabs
set down my tshirt and beacons and snapped away. I felt strangly unstatisfied but completely justified. i packed up my stuff and headed for a nearby cafe and ordered another cup of tea, and watched the sea. It was then i knew why i had come to scarbrough it was to see my old friend the north sea which i had not swam in since i was 6. I made my way back to the beach placed my bag on the floor and proceeded to walk into the sea, I managed to get about 12 feet in until i realised my jeans were soaked upto my knees but i did not care, I thought i would walk further but iturned back to the coast and saw my bag about to be devoured by the incoming tide and decided it was time to catch the train. I arrived back in manchester some 4 hours later at 10.45 had a pint and headed home to a houseparty where no one had noticed my book just read my manifesto and thought Hmmm.
Hmmm. I had intended to type up the whole encounter the next day but time waits for no one and another half finished project sat on my floor. I then decided to box up the journals and send them away to an art pilanthropist together with a bottle of north sea I had collected, again its still on my floor, the sediment is at the bottom of the bottle, the tshirt has been worn once too often and i have began more projects but I wish to thank diddy for loving pink and showing me I love the north sea.
Borrusia
What's in a name you may ask. Well ask that question in the ear range of
Richard Head and his best friend Thomas Crapper and they will shout out at
you in an exhausted manner, "People call me Dick Head and its not funny" or
"People call me Toilet man" so not funny.
How do people with rude names cope especially when trying to order services
on the telephone were pranksterism has tarnished their names in the past. I
spoke with Amanda Hugmee a German lady who lives in Colchester.
"I vas trying to order a special bra from your Marks and Spencer, ven I
told zem my names they hung me up"
I rang Marks and Spencers press office to get their angle on this pow wow
kerpow but they hung the phone up on me. One of the few people I did not
expect to have a problem with this whole name game was big 6'8" Taiwanese
lady boy Sukmi Cok,
Sukmi explains. "I came England with my new husband David Furnish, we went
to get married and vicar say leave it till after ceremony, he thought blow
job but me Sukmi Cok long time so me used to funny thing Engrish
translated".
"It's not just people with rude names that suffer", chief epinolgist at
Cardiff University Blairsac Hunt explains, "people with the names of
celebrities suffer psychological damage and rejection that can manifest in
a number of ways firstly with low self esteem which then leads to
personality and sense of humour by passes, the purchase of bright clothes
and the bubbly fat bloke persona then begin to rise to the surface and it
then redoubles as people become put off that"
One of the worst instances on record at the university was that of Keith
Chegwin, forever tired of explaining his name as "no not that one" he
actually changed his name by deed pole to Hogwarts Chegwin von Bloomship
and later went on to marry Maggie Philbin who is a former wife of the real
Keith Chegwin.
The simple answer to all this is to change your name by deed pole, although
this is not always necessary, I spoke with Herbert Smythroat QC at his
chambers in London. "Changing your unusual name by deed is not always
necessary as long as you consistently use a name change and it is not for
fraudulent purposes, as an individual you have the right in law to be
called anything you want. A deed is just a declaration you will uphold and
use your new name consistently and it is handy for changing passports etc."
The thing with some off these stupid names is it's the parents of the
children who are ultimately responsible for atrocities such as Fatima
Whitbread, and Chips Chipping, this is all a sign of living in a free and
Unitarian state based on peace love and understanding and a flag unlike in
Germany where each state is run an a feudal system and the registrar has
the right to assassinate any children with an inappropriate name. Sepp
Beckenbaur explains. " I vanted to name my 2nd child after the legendary
Borussia Moenchengladbach line up of 1975 when I went to register the birth
The registrar took exception to this and executed my baby before I could
consider a change. Even at the funeral the registrar refused to allow me to call the
child Danner, Simonsen, Hensen, Heynckes, Voigts Bang argggh ze registrar is here he shot me in the face brrrrrrrr . . . ." Sepp hung up rather quickly but despite
this I thank the lord I have not been tarnished by this whole messy name
affair.
Hugh Briss for papercut
rejected by me
Richard Head and his best friend Thomas Crapper and they will shout out at
you in an exhausted manner, "People call me Dick Head and its not funny" or
"People call me Toilet man" so not funny.
How do people with rude names cope especially when trying to order services
on the telephone were pranksterism has tarnished their names in the past. I
spoke with Amanda Hugmee a German lady who lives in Colchester.
"I vas trying to order a special bra from your Marks and Spencer, ven I
told zem my names they hung me up"
I rang Marks and Spencers press office to get their angle on this pow wow
kerpow but they hung the phone up on me. One of the few people I did not
expect to have a problem with this whole name game was big 6'8" Taiwanese
lady boy Sukmi Cok,
Sukmi explains. "I came England with my new husband David Furnish, we went
to get married and vicar say leave it till after ceremony, he thought blow
job but me Sukmi Cok long time so me used to funny thing Engrish
translated".
"It's not just people with rude names that suffer", chief epinolgist at
Cardiff University Blairsac Hunt explains, "people with the names of
celebrities suffer psychological damage and rejection that can manifest in
a number of ways firstly with low self esteem which then leads to
personality and sense of humour by passes, the purchase of bright clothes
and the bubbly fat bloke persona then begin to rise to the surface and it
then redoubles as people become put off that"
One of the worst instances on record at the university was that of Keith
Chegwin, forever tired of explaining his name as "no not that one" he
actually changed his name by deed pole to Hogwarts Chegwin von Bloomship
and later went on to marry Maggie Philbin who is a former wife of the real
Keith Chegwin.
The simple answer to all this is to change your name by deed pole, although
this is not always necessary, I spoke with Herbert Smythroat QC at his
chambers in London. "Changing your unusual name by deed is not always
necessary as long as you consistently use a name change and it is not for
fraudulent purposes, as an individual you have the right in law to be
called anything you want. A deed is just a declaration you will uphold and
use your new name consistently and it is handy for changing passports etc."
The thing with some off these stupid names is it's the parents of the
children who are ultimately responsible for atrocities such as Fatima
Whitbread, and Chips Chipping, this is all a sign of living in a free and
Unitarian state based on peace love and understanding and a flag unlike in
Germany where each state is run an a feudal system and the registrar has
the right to assassinate any children with an inappropriate name. Sepp
Beckenbaur explains. " I vanted to name my 2nd child after the legendary
Borussia Moenchengladbach line up of 1975 when I went to register the birth
The registrar took exception to this and executed my baby before I could
consider a change. Even at the funeral the registrar refused to allow me to call the
child Danner, Simonsen, Hensen, Heynckes, Voigts Bang argggh ze registrar is here he shot me in the face brrrrrrrr . . . ." Sepp hung up rather quickly but despite
this I thank the lord I have not been tarnished by this whole messy name
affair.
Hugh Briss for papercut
rejected by me
Old Silent Protest
Silent Protest
jamjam23 2003
Well I met Bill at an art event in Manchester. He was apparently about to do a runner so unalcoholed was he. Just before 5 he took down his wall framed pinklin burn poster explaining the whys and wherefores of silent protest together with his green baise mounted cards. The free wine and beer was all drunk people began to leave then without notice Bill walks back in grabs a bottle of water and departs out of the back. People began shifting away half trying to see what if anything was going to happen. Then at ten past six the lights went off and on and we assumed that was our call. Looking up I noticed it was bill. i then began to wonder if anyone actualy knew who bill was. My friend kept on asking me who he was, i said the old guy going bald a bit with a ruck sack. Apparently there were loads of people like that but I was keeping quiet, say he heard me and he thought I was a KLF fan.
At about 6.23 (this is an ex jamm) Bill reemerged with 5 large frames and placed them inward facing towards the wall. He then brought out a sturdy grey table and placed it next to me, seconds later he re-emerged with foolscap folders one entitled WALKS, with the folders placed down he bagan to manoever the table, further and further away from me. Then without hesitation he leaped onto his table shouting "shut up", and then commenced his talk, which started off with his realisation that he was the same age and probably had lots in common with tony blair, well culturaly possibly, he then digressed with his musings about paintings with a word a day. He leapt of his table and retreived a painting that simply said SILENCE in white on black with a yellow underline. He said from this dawned the idea for the silent protest cards. 54 unique cards with a slogan a day to keep the chatter away. He diverted his converstation to explain how easy it is to have ideas formulating around ideas when the original is not complete. He then ran to retreive his next painting which was black on white with the words THOU SHALT NOT KILL and how he felt this related to the bible and the number for loads in the bible is generally 40 (40 days and nights etc) so as he is a pot of paint graffiti man he would paint 40x40 of these messages in a pattern in a 40x40 grid 1600 times. He admitted he had not thought this through but the end result would be planting the painting on the gates of downing street sometime near november 17.
He briefly mentioned a project of walks based around super imposing the words SILENT PROTEST onto a map of london he confessed he was only up to E and was going to be doing the N tomorrow (24 jan).
He then returned to his main topic of the playing cards and showed a film he had made with Gimpo and John Hirst which was basically a close up of all the cards, there were some laughs at the rude ones and then we were done.
He cleared the tables and proceeded to sell his six quid cards. He was kind enough to give me the display case and also sign my blank card, it simply says "you are a twat and you smell love Bill x" (this was my request as I think he was begining to regret starting signing cards).
He could not answer my question as to why he did not have the playing card numbers on.
Some of the other works in the exhibition were also quite interesting, there were some striking images of middle american signs warmongering against saddam and ossama, A series of clocks with background designs and each series of clock telling the time in Bagdad New york london etc.
But to be perfectly frank there was not a lot. I guess I like Bills stuff because I am a fan of his art and particularily as it was anti any war weather that be in your bedroom nation or boardroom.
Remember silence is golden.
Silent Protest cards at a cost of 6uk pounds are available from
http://www.penkiln-burn.com/but don't expect a reply he is probably
already plotting his next move, try amazon.co.uk instead
jamjam23 2003
Well I met Bill at an art event in Manchester. He was apparently about to do a runner so unalcoholed was he. Just before 5 he took down his wall framed pinklin burn poster explaining the whys and wherefores of silent protest together with his green baise mounted cards. The free wine and beer was all drunk people began to leave then without notice Bill walks back in grabs a bottle of water and departs out of the back. People began shifting away half trying to see what if anything was going to happen. Then at ten past six the lights went off and on and we assumed that was our call. Looking up I noticed it was bill. i then began to wonder if anyone actualy knew who bill was. My friend kept on asking me who he was, i said the old guy going bald a bit with a ruck sack. Apparently there were loads of people like that but I was keeping quiet, say he heard me and he thought I was a KLF fan.
At about 6.23 (this is an ex jamm) Bill reemerged with 5 large frames and placed them inward facing towards the wall. He then brought out a sturdy grey table and placed it next to me, seconds later he re-emerged with foolscap folders one entitled WALKS, with the folders placed down he bagan to manoever the table, further and further away from me. Then without hesitation he leaped onto his table shouting "shut up", and then commenced his talk, which started off with his realisation that he was the same age and probably had lots in common with tony blair, well culturaly possibly, he then digressed with his musings about paintings with a word a day. He leapt of his table and retreived a painting that simply said SILENCE in white on black with a yellow underline. He said from this dawned the idea for the silent protest cards. 54 unique cards with a slogan a day to keep the chatter away. He diverted his converstation to explain how easy it is to have ideas formulating around ideas when the original is not complete. He then ran to retreive his next painting which was black on white with the words THOU SHALT NOT KILL and how he felt this related to the bible and the number for loads in the bible is generally 40 (40 days and nights etc) so as he is a pot of paint graffiti man he would paint 40x40 of these messages in a pattern in a 40x40 grid 1600 times. He admitted he had not thought this through but the end result would be planting the painting on the gates of downing street sometime near november 17.
He briefly mentioned a project of walks based around super imposing the words SILENT PROTEST onto a map of london he confessed he was only up to E and was going to be doing the N tomorrow (24 jan).
He then returned to his main topic of the playing cards and showed a film he had made with Gimpo and John Hirst which was basically a close up of all the cards, there were some laughs at the rude ones and then we were done.
He cleared the tables and proceeded to sell his six quid cards. He was kind enough to give me the display case and also sign my blank card, it simply says "you are a twat and you smell love Bill x" (this was my request as I think he was begining to regret starting signing cards).
He could not answer my question as to why he did not have the playing card numbers on.
Some of the other works in the exhibition were also quite interesting, there were some striking images of middle american signs warmongering against saddam and ossama, A series of clocks with background designs and each series of clock telling the time in Bagdad New york london etc.
But to be perfectly frank there was not a lot. I guess I like Bills stuff because I am a fan of his art and particularily as it was anti any war weather that be in your bedroom nation or boardroom.
Remember silence is golden.
Silent Protest cards at a cost of 6uk pounds are available from
http://www.penkiln-burn.com/but don't expect a reply he is probably
already plotting his next move, try amazon.co.uk instead
Fish
You can imagine my horror as i walked into the bathroom and I could taste the heaviness of fish odours in the air. It isn't very often you want to vomit when you smell fish, I remembered loving to eat rollmop herrings as a child but now as I began to chunder, that thought was truly a distant memory. When the vomit was projecting from my mouth and my nose I did note, either conciously or subliminally that the smell had gone, I guess its good to rely on your own natural defence system after all.
Graham
It was a horrible night. June 5 1986. The rain hadn't stopped all day but things still had to be done. Graham was really pissed off, he knew he was the one who was responsable for stealing the car. The brief was something fast but nothing flashy. Graham thought about pinching the skoda sport but really knew he would get laughed at. After waiting nearly an hour he caught sight of an Alfa romeo. he knew in an instant it fitted the bill. The trouble with breaking into a car like this, Graham thought, is getting into it when it is locked and starting it without the keys. Graham was noted for his logical thinking. It proved to be quite pertinant as Graham was arrested after smashing the window of the alfa romeo with a big huge brick and the bank robbery that it was supposed to be used in never took place. So the rest of the gang all went to the pub and got steaming drunk instead, unfortunately the pubs air conditioning was broken and the y all contracted Legionaires deseace and died.
Fortunately this has nothing to do with this story, it was just a teaser, as that is how I wish it had happened, except the bit about Legionares disease, that was my bit of artistic licence.
What really happened is explained below.
It was a gorgeous evening, June 5 1986. The sun hadn't stopped shinning all day and nothing need ed tobe done. Graham was exstatic, he knew he was not resbobsible for stealing a car. he did not have to pinch a fast non descript car, he even thought, tonight I don't want to pinch a skoda sport not even for a laugh. Just then Graham caught sight of an Alfa romeo and Graham thought to himself hmmm...............
Fortunately this has nothing to do with this story, it was just a teaser, as that is how I wish it had happened, except the bit about Legionares disease, that was my bit of artistic licence.
What really happened is explained below.
It was a gorgeous evening, June 5 1986. The sun hadn't stopped shinning all day and nothing need ed tobe done. Graham was exstatic, he knew he was not resbobsible for stealing a car. he did not have to pinch a fast non descript car, he even thought, tonight I don't want to pinch a skoda sport not even for a laugh. Just then Graham caught sight of an Alfa romeo and Graham thought to himself hmmm...............
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Phrases
Nige has banned me from using the following phrases as they make me sound a cunt.
Burn It
Ace
Duff Up
Wicked
I used to think I was quite street and urban but I realise it, ahem can make you sound like
a proper old man init.
Add lame phrases of your own if you are boredize like but
ya cant be a pooper chinny or i well bex ya wiv me spartz - alrie.Cheese
Burn It
Ace
Duff Up
Wicked
I used to think I was quite street and urban but I realise it, ahem can make you sound like
a proper old man init.
Add lame phrases of your own if you are boredize like but
ya cant be a pooper chinny or i well bex ya wiv me spartz - alrie.Cheese
Film Pitches 1
In an utterly Alan Partidge moment of clarity I have decided
thsi is the medium to pitch all my great Ideas for motion pictures
Idea 1. Man - Chester
Dave Parsons told his mum he was gay, she said she knew all along but said it was probably best not to tell his father Marlon Parsons a vase designer brought up in rough working class stoke, he did anyway as he could not bare to hold it secret any longer and he got thrown out of the house.
His mum sent him some money and he set up home in Chester with a guy called Frank, they were just mates though.
Idea 2 Prom-adour
This ugly girl got invited to the prom off the captain of an american football team.
It was all meant as a joke, but it backfires and they fell in love for real. Everyone could see it was real
and no one told her about the joke as they looked so good together. They split up some weeks after though as he had got into college and the distance relationship was not working. Now cut to 10 years further forward. they are on the school reunion. They are dancing and there eyes meet, our american footballer tells ugly girl it was all a gag at first. Girl upset runs off. American footballer chases after her they row but end up having hard physical unprotected sex up against the school.
Cut forward 18 years the child from this sex up goes to his prom and invites an ugly girl to the prom......the film then loopes and can play indefinately till they are at school on the moon. Karl heinz Stockhausen can do the soundtrack
Idea 3 Sex down
Man meets girl falls in love with girl, gets drink in him and shags her best friend. They all fall out. The End
Perhaps someone has a tuma too.
Idea 4 London Blood Bath
Vampires swooped down and started to attack the streets of London, the army were sent in and they were all turned to vampires too, luckily this really hard bloke sorted them out (he is american and likes hockey). He had this girl scientist helping him and when she took her specs off and let her hair down she was quite nice looking, so the dood ended up boning her with his love spike but not before he had put a real spike through every bastard vampire in london town.
Idea 5 Shopping - The Movie a silent arthouse film with subtitles and shit
A woman in Hereford bought a pen from Martins newsagents, the woman selling it her gave it a little scribble to see if it was working, she also bought a lighter and she checked that and the next day she went and bought some eggs and she did the same, The woman made a mental note not to buy tampax from there.
I know what you are thinking "Its unfilmable" thats why I will only let Terry Gilliam or Guy Maddin direct it
thsi is the medium to pitch all my great Ideas for motion pictures
Idea 1. Man - Chester
Dave Parsons told his mum he was gay, she said she knew all along but said it was probably best not to tell his father Marlon Parsons a vase designer brought up in rough working class stoke, he did anyway as he could not bare to hold it secret any longer and he got thrown out of the house.
His mum sent him some money and he set up home in Chester with a guy called Frank, they were just mates though.
Idea 2 Prom-adour
This ugly girl got invited to the prom off the captain of an american football team.
It was all meant as a joke, but it backfires and they fell in love for real. Everyone could see it was real
and no one told her about the joke as they looked so good together. They split up some weeks after though as he had got into college and the distance relationship was not working. Now cut to 10 years further forward. they are on the school reunion. They are dancing and there eyes meet, our american footballer tells ugly girl it was all a gag at first. Girl upset runs off. American footballer chases after her they row but end up having hard physical unprotected sex up against the school.
Cut forward 18 years the child from this sex up goes to his prom and invites an ugly girl to the prom......the film then loopes and can play indefinately till they are at school on the moon. Karl heinz Stockhausen can do the soundtrack
Idea 3 Sex down
Man meets girl falls in love with girl, gets drink in him and shags her best friend. They all fall out. The End
Perhaps someone has a tuma too.
Idea 4 London Blood Bath
Vampires swooped down and started to attack the streets of London, the army were sent in and they were all turned to vampires too, luckily this really hard bloke sorted them out (he is american and likes hockey). He had this girl scientist helping him and when she took her specs off and let her hair down she was quite nice looking, so the dood ended up boning her with his love spike but not before he had put a real spike through every bastard vampire in london town.
Idea 5 Shopping - The Movie a silent arthouse film with subtitles and shit
A woman in Hereford bought a pen from Martins newsagents, the woman selling it her gave it a little scribble to see if it was working, she also bought a lighter and she checked that and the next day she went and bought some eggs and she did the same, The woman made a mental note not to buy tampax from there.
I know what you are thinking "Its unfilmable" thats why I will only let Terry Gilliam or Guy Maddin direct it
Lolly Song
I got a lolly today
from the lady in the travel agents
she wanted to give me some lambrini too
i had a hangover so i said no thank you.
oooo oooo
I sucked on my swizzler
bop shoo wop
I sucked on swizzler
bom te bom
I sucked on my swizzler and the head fell off in my gob
I went to the restraunt
I ate some food.
I had a hangover so I was unintentionaly rude
my food tasted kak coz i still had the taste of the swizzle lolly round in my mouth
I sucked on my swizzler
bop shoo wop
I sucked on my swizzler
bom te bom
I sucked on my swizzler and the head fell off in my gob
So here is the moral
if you eat sweets
dont do them before a meal
unless the moral is never take sweets from travel agents I just dont know but
sucked on my swizzler
bop shoo wop
I sucked on my swizzler
bom te bom
I sucked on my swizzler and the head fell off in my gob
I did not want a holiday
but now I know
If I ever need free booze that its the place to go
lunn poly
from the lady in the travel agents
she wanted to give me some lambrini too
i had a hangover so i said no thank you.
oooo oooo
I sucked on my swizzler
bop shoo wop
I sucked on swizzler
bom te bom
I sucked on my swizzler and the head fell off in my gob
I went to the restraunt
I ate some food.
I had a hangover so I was unintentionaly rude
my food tasted kak coz i still had the taste of the swizzle lolly round in my mouth
I sucked on my swizzler
bop shoo wop
I sucked on my swizzler
bom te bom
I sucked on my swizzler and the head fell off in my gob
So here is the moral
if you eat sweets
dont do them before a meal
unless the moral is never take sweets from travel agents I just dont know but
sucked on my swizzler
bop shoo wop
I sucked on my swizzler
bom te bom
I sucked on my swizzler and the head fell off in my gob
I did not want a holiday
but now I know
If I ever need free booze that its the place to go
lunn poly
Pen
What blue thing is in your hand.
A pen. You look so respectable with it.
Go to school. You are not a child. You are a VIP.
Let me be free. Write me down some stories.
Invent a new kind of badger. Draw a mop like in the shop
with all the buckets outside. In Scotland or Wales.
The Biro, The Biro is blue. Can you make the story new.
Go to school little man go to school.
What black thing is in your hand.
A Marker pen. You look like banksy if I new his gaze.
Go to college. pretend its work. You are a child.
Insignificant. Lock me up. Crayon me your life down.
Murder some badgers. Draw a mop like a raffier blade
from your sock with the legs inside. In England and Ireland.
The marker pen the marker pen is black. Can you make the picture perminant.
Go to college big man go to college
A pen. You look so respectable with it.
Go to school. You are not a child. You are a VIP.
Let me be free. Write me down some stories.
Invent a new kind of badger. Draw a mop like in the shop
with all the buckets outside. In Scotland or Wales.
The Biro, The Biro is blue. Can you make the story new.
Go to school little man go to school.
What black thing is in your hand.
A Marker pen. You look like banksy if I new his gaze.
Go to college. pretend its work. You are a child.
Insignificant. Lock me up. Crayon me your life down.
Murder some badgers. Draw a mop like a raffier blade
from your sock with the legs inside. In England and Ireland.
The marker pen the marker pen is black. Can you make the picture perminant.
Go to college big man go to college
Bonkers
I have not said bonkers for ages.
Probably a wise thing. Might try saying it aloud later when I am on my own
Probably a wise thing. Might try saying it aloud later when I am on my own
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Someday Sometime Soon
Sometimes, it all seems so wrong
Sometimes, time takes so long
Sometimes, I think life is grand
Sometimes, I have the chance to dance
Sometimes I feel the air I breathe
Sometimes I smell the scent of love
Sometimes I float along the sea
Sometimes I have the chance to dance
Sometimes I am Peter Parker
Sometimes I am even darker
Sometimes I am Bruce Wayne
Sometimes I dance naked in the rain
Sometimes I ruin the moment
Sometimes I wear skirts and dresses
Sometimes I feel feel your moisture
Sometines I have the chance to dance.
Sometimes I want you
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wish so hard I forget to say hello
Sometimes I forget that I can dance
Someday I will say I love you
Someday I will really mean it
Someday I will be the perfect me
Someday I will take your hand, and listen to the very sound
Someday we will dance and dance and dance
Someday when rainbows grow
Someday when fireworks explode
Someday when you look into my eyes
Someday there will be one more glint
Someday Sometime Soon
Sometimes, time takes so long
Sometimes, I think life is grand
Sometimes, I have the chance to dance
Sometimes I feel the air I breathe
Sometimes I smell the scent of love
Sometimes I float along the sea
Sometimes I have the chance to dance
Sometimes I am Peter Parker
Sometimes I am even darker
Sometimes I am Bruce Wayne
Sometimes I dance naked in the rain
Sometimes I ruin the moment
Sometimes I wear skirts and dresses
Sometimes I feel feel your moisture
Sometines I have the chance to dance.
Sometimes I want you
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wish so hard I forget to say hello
Sometimes I forget that I can dance
Someday I will say I love you
Someday I will really mean it
Someday I will be the perfect me
Someday I will take your hand, and listen to the very sound
Someday we will dance and dance and dance
Someday when rainbows grow
Someday when fireworks explode
Someday when you look into my eyes
Someday there will be one more glint
Someday Sometime Soon
TV
Ok anyone else see a pattern
Channel 4,E4,More 4,ITV 4
BBC 4,Film Four,Film Four world
next the 4 king channel
Channel 4,E4,More 4,ITV 4
BBC 4,Film Four,Film Four world
next the 4 king channel
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Cancer
You can not make jokes about cancer, seriously look.
Susan Chaplington has Cancer.
See it is not funny even when I tell you I made it up.
(technically I only made the name bit up so it is not sick
as "some one" actually has cancer
Susan Chaplington has Cancer.
See it is not funny even when I tell you I made it up.
(technically I only made the name bit up so it is not sick
as "some one" actually has cancer
True story about Coldplay
Coldplay played a gig and the crowd thought they had finnished, so the crowd applauded loudly, Coldplay left the stage, then Chris Martin realised that they had forgot to play Yellow so they came back on and did that, then went off again.
The weird thing was, they did the exact same thing the night before, aren't they stupid, I thought that they all went to university as well!
The weird thing was, they did the exact same thing the night before, aren't they stupid, I thought that they all went to university as well!
Lorry
Red Lorry Yellow Lorry Red Lorry Yellow Lorry Car Green Eddie Stobart Lorry Red Lorry Yellow Lorry, looks like the car was in the wrong queue for the ferry.
I dont know why draft
I d d d do not know why when it is tuesday I have to open a fresh jar of instant coffee, well by saying I do do not I mean I do but you wont bel bel believe me. You may think It is j j j just a tradition I g g guess. It started when I was four and my uncle would come in from his s s sh shed and need d dded a new jar for his art project. He would sit me on his kn kn knee and tell me how it was im im important that coffee jars were opened as often as possible as the litle men who lived in the pow pp pow powder would sufficate by wednesday if they wre not released. As a child I be belived him but on on only in the way you do do when you are a k k kid. B b b by that i m mean not at all b b but you want to believe so so much but you give up especialy after your unkle is se se sec setioned under the mental health act when you are twelve.
A fu fu funny th thing happened when he was lo lo locked up though. His sh sh shed exploded and injured me. Th the reason it bl blew up was because the po po powder people were for forming a secret arm amy and they were testing a new coffee j j jar bomb. Th they had us used my unckle to do th th their recruiting. Since the exp explosion i rec recruit too, every tuesday I op open the nes nescafe and they are fr freed to th the shed. So please please if you can help b b blow up my shed bef before it is too late or General van powder will att att attack Lincoln with a ja ja jar bomb fifty times more p p powerful than the one that in injured me, and if th they do the cof coffee vap vapor cloud will kill the inhabitants of ne nearby b b boston too.
A fu fu funny th thing happened when he was lo lo locked up though. His sh sh shed exploded and injured me. Th the reason it bl blew up was because the po po powder people were for forming a secret arm amy and they were testing a new coffee j j jar bomb. Th they had us used my unckle to do th th their recruiting. Since the exp explosion i rec recruit too, every tuesday I op open the nes nescafe and they are fr freed to th the shed. So please please if you can help b b blow up my shed bef before it is too late or General van powder will att att attack Lincoln with a ja ja jar bomb fifty times more p p powerful than the one that in injured me, and if th they do the cof coffee vap vapor cloud will kill the inhabitants of ne nearby b b boston too.
Guardian
I like art. I like the left wing newspaper the guardian. The Berliner format makes me read bits I would normally adore, but for fucks sake, stop sucking Jake and Dinos Chapmans cocks. They are dull nonentities jut making happy you do not have to write a piece about every peice they do. They are strictly GCSE if you want interesting try seing if your newspaper will look nice as paper mache and sell it to saatchi
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Fact 2
People in adverts for sofas on uk tv never wear sock and if they do they do not touch the couch with their feet
Friday, October 14, 2005
creativity
Do not mis construe I am not a creative god, well perhaps I am what I am not is someone who can create by having an idea thinking of how to implement it and then hitting the world with it. I am creative in the sense of having an idea thinking it is brilliant and then executing it in the most shambolic way that you will never see the beauty behind it. Nothing wrong with either way to be honest as the only way uyou can gage this kind of success is by recocnition and who needs that? The fame hungry uncreatives thats who! So i do not quite know where I am going with this but if I did I would be they type of person i hate, freedom is not ever having to tie it down so the dumb fuckers might eventualy "get you" I hope you never do as if you are you miht live in my bedroom and freak me out. This and alll my blogs do not use a spellcheck what kind of polemic checks its self to see if it makes sense? The one wanting attention and an audience?
Went to a gig tonight Indigo Jones http://www.skinnydogrecords.co.uk/Music.asp
and the excelent deadbeats.
Now cock off you munch monster mouthed twonk!
Went to a gig tonight Indigo Jones http://www.skinnydogrecords.co.uk/Music.asp
and the excelent deadbeats.
Now cock off you munch monster mouthed twonk!
Monday, October 10, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Rules 3
Makers of hit american films and tv shows, do not take a classic song and dilute it by having a lame arsed band do a note for note cover with all feeling removed as a us audience would not get - the cure - oasis - the smiths etc and it would be too expensive to licence. Also Advert makers, do not do covers of songs that are just musically different enough from the songs they are robbing to not be illegal but annoying enough to make the original seem ten times shitter
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Weekend
A bird shat on my head, I washed it in the library, I went to the midland, had some free beer, pretended to be from Africa, drank more beer, left, found a water pistol, drank more beer, shot tricky ,went to drink more beer, got water pistol confiscated for my own good , got upset,drank more beer,someone gave me a maraca, lost that, drank more, went for a curry.
Yes that tricky as in trip hop tricky he was not a happy bunny, I also shot some people dressed as golfers and my ex housemate.
Blurrrr
Yes that tricky as in trip hop tricky he was not a happy bunny, I also shot some people dressed as golfers and my ex housemate.
Blurrrr
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Spam Best names
I get spam quite a lot, some times the names are inspired, here are my four favourites so far this year
Marmaduke Larkin
Duffy Azure
Sung Christian
Bogdan Ives
Like anyone will go, oh weird it must be off my mate Duffy she was mentioning she might be selling some ciallis.
Am I naive or is this ciallis stuff only available via spam emails, does anyone go to the chemist and say fuck it I dont want viagra give me some of that ciallis and give it me on the national health or else I am gonna buy it online, it might cost a bit converting it to dollars on my visa card but I can save so much and there should be no problem importing medicine should there!
Marmaduke Larkin
Duffy Azure
Sung Christian
Bogdan Ives
Like anyone will go, oh weird it must be off my mate Duffy she was mentioning she might be selling some ciallis.
Am I naive or is this ciallis stuff only available via spam emails, does anyone go to the chemist and say fuck it I dont want viagra give me some of that ciallis and give it me on the national health or else I am gonna buy it online, it might cost a bit converting it to dollars on my visa card but I can save so much and there should be no problem importing medicine should there!
rules 2
Remember when crossing the road at traffic lights why not press the button, I will not always be there to do it you stupid gormless twat. Do you think that it is easy to cross without the traffic lights changing to the green man, well maybe it is but give yourself a chance.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Remember
Remember when a bag of crisps with your packed lunch was healthy because potato is a vegetable
Proof that Publishing Online Turns you into a twat
In the style of many comedians who desperately want to be serious musicians I give you reason why I am a pretentious twat, number 1 (what do you mean there are more on this site) A poem.
Such dreams are made of this.
A walk in a park.
Signs we cant see.
Its not romantic but it is as like as is
A journey not too short
not too soon
Of the mind and for the soul.
How can it be when the pools we dance in are urban, sub urban
and yet we dance merrilly not wallowing
tomorrow strikes us its not mundane but its here
here is my nirvana my soaring sea my glazial peak
thats because tomorrow is never with us today
and our future is tethered to this.
One day we will be free and we will see
We will see clearly the exotic and quixotic hand in hand.
It lives in hope and will never die
just maybe subside and burn bright and subside and burn bright again and again
thats why I run for you not with you
The trees the concrete
the path not seen
the path most walked
a route not a destination
to being a pretentious twat you would rather punch than shag
Such dreams are made of this.
A walk in a park.
Signs we cant see.
Its not romantic but it is as like as is
A journey not too short
not too soon
Of the mind and for the soul.
How can it be when the pools we dance in are urban, sub urban
and yet we dance merrilly not wallowing
tomorrow strikes us its not mundane but its here
here is my nirvana my soaring sea my glazial peak
thats because tomorrow is never with us today
and our future is tethered to this.
One day we will be free and we will see
We will see clearly the exotic and quixotic hand in hand.
It lives in hope and will never die
just maybe subside and burn bright and subside and burn bright again and again
thats why I run for you not with you
The trees the concrete
the path not seen
the path most walked
a route not a destination
to being a pretentious twat you would rather punch than shag
Lies in your eyes
Its Tuesday at 9pm and I am already lying to you, it is really easy to do if you are as small as me.
You can sneak up on some people and the bigger the lie the more they will believe you as someone once said , it might have been Aldious Huxley but that could be a lie, you could check on the internet, but who is to say that lie has not been propagated and spread, so in essence there is no truth.
Historians will tell you of feverishly slaving away at the Library for hours on end to find the exact details of when McCadum first created Tarmac so the age of a road from Barnsley to Carlisle could be found out beyond reasonable doubt, yet if these very same researchers had searched google and come up with an answer they would have been sceptical.
In fact we live in glorious times, we know full well that any fact we know is not a fact, in fact, it allows us to be a little less dependant on the truth as we know that a book has as much doubt as it is written by one individual unlike the internet which is written by me or you and other people whom no matter how much they lie are generally to stupid that to make things up is beyond them, what is the point, why say that the colour mauve was invented in 1802 when it was invented in 1856 it is not worth your time, you are only going to lie to a few dye (sic) hard technologists, instead tell the big lie, the lie that everyone can believe, like Huxley did before his comedic/tragic death, being flattened to death while on safari by a herd of elephants, not before he had blasted enough to make a piano, so, I give you my fact:- Three quarters of the Earths air contains trace elements of sugar since a leak at a refinery in Philadelphia in 1973, this has lead to a 13 per cent increase in Diabetes among the earths population since that date, the refinery was closed down by the ATF following the leak and reopened by the parent conglomerate as a refinery which instead of producing sugar now produces 65 per cent of the earths insulin, together with a leading diet pill.
I bet you feel better now, when you told your boss that the bus crashed on the way to work and you had to help a man to the ambulance when in fact you overslept you were just following in the footsteps of the worlds great big fat liers?
You can sneak up on some people and the bigger the lie the more they will believe you as someone once said , it might have been Aldious Huxley but that could be a lie, you could check on the internet, but who is to say that lie has not been propagated and spread, so in essence there is no truth.
Historians will tell you of feverishly slaving away at the Library for hours on end to find the exact details of when McCadum first created Tarmac so the age of a road from Barnsley to Carlisle could be found out beyond reasonable doubt, yet if these very same researchers had searched google and come up with an answer they would have been sceptical.
In fact we live in glorious times, we know full well that any fact we know is not a fact, in fact, it allows us to be a little less dependant on the truth as we know that a book has as much doubt as it is written by one individual unlike the internet which is written by me or you and other people whom no matter how much they lie are generally to stupid that to make things up is beyond them, what is the point, why say that the colour mauve was invented in 1802 when it was invented in 1856 it is not worth your time, you are only going to lie to a few dye (sic) hard technologists, instead tell the big lie, the lie that everyone can believe, like Huxley did before his comedic/tragic death, being flattened to death while on safari by a herd of elephants, not before he had blasted enough to make a piano, so, I give you my fact:- Three quarters of the Earths air contains trace elements of sugar since a leak at a refinery in Philadelphia in 1973, this has lead to a 13 per cent increase in Diabetes among the earths population since that date, the refinery was closed down by the ATF following the leak and reopened by the parent conglomerate as a refinery which instead of producing sugar now produces 65 per cent of the earths insulin, together with a leading diet pill.
I bet you feel better now, when you told your boss that the bus crashed on the way to work and you had to help a man to the ambulance when in fact you overslept you were just following in the footsteps of the worlds great big fat liers?
Instructions 1
Go and see a band you do not like, it does not have to be a death metal band or anything weird but just go and see a band live, look through the listings and go, oh the beautiful south, I do not really like them tthat is your trigger go and book a ticket, hate dance music go see the aphex twin, go on your own too, you will like it, and if you do not ,you can allways ignore blogs you gormless twat, but the band thing its all good.
Ideas 1
A hidden camera show so people do random nice things. Old lady drops bag someone helps pick it up. Not enough people would think to be kind. I know this sounds like an Alan partridge Monkey Tennis pitch but I do not care.
Rules 1
Keys cut while u wait - Why not provide some chairs and an estimate of the time it will take so I do not stand around your shop looking aimlessly at kiwi shoe polish wondering if it is cheaper than in Tesco's and if it is, where the hell do they keep it in tesco's as I have never seen it, but they must sell it somewhere, and then suddenly snap out of it when someone else comes in the shop but not notice the key cutter looking for their attention and little old me thinks they are done so I get my money out and he is nowhere near ready and to add insult to injury I forget about the kiwi and never think of it again until I loose my keys again and the whole wheel turns again.
jamjam23 blog
The Mike from Spaced look circa Aug 2005Who cares, me, you, anyone else, I doubt it but broadcasting into a void is possibly good for the ego and cheaper than printing your own book. Just means I can rip off anyone and anyone can rip off me. I think I will make this a place of random thoughts and rules nothing too wordy that no one will look at and I can at least say that my idea for a new system of handing back money at the supermatket should have been adopted years ago.
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