Sunday, November 06, 2005


The man in the queue was not quite sure if it was happening or not, I t could all of been a ruse but he grabbed hold of the lead and dragged his kettle a yard or so nearer to the door. The kettle looked tired and bedraggled the chrome plating worn to a dull semi-shine with blotches and marks signalling each murderous boil of water.
The queue had not really moved for an hour it just got closer together as the temperature moved another degree colder.
“Is that an Electrolux” the woman said looking down at the mans kettle, “no it’s a Dualit, I used to have the matching toaster until last week when I had to bring him in during the toast famine, what you got”
“Russell Hobbs, I was not going to come but I saw what happened to all the people who were hiding Brevils so I dared not risk it” said the woman
Just then the door opened and a man called out
“Place Electric Kettles to the left on the floor and hold there flexes in your hand, all other kettles place between your legs and remove any whistles”
He made the same statement half an hour ago and half an hour before that but this time he added.
“The doors will open in 15 minutes, you will now be given a card depending on your kettle and you will either be allocated an electrical socket or a gas ring in the hob section. Water will be available in buckets every 15 metres between the stoves or electrical sockets ”.
“Same deal as with the toasters, it’s going to be tremendously hectic” said the man to the woman”

“ When your kettle is boiled” continued the man “ the water must be poured into the channel, when you have done this leave the kettle empty and unplugged in the bins marked spent kettles”

“I heard they are going to be asking us for our deep fat fryers next” said the woman
The cards were then handed out and then after a wait of about ten minutes the doors opened and a collective scrape signalled the kettles being dragged towards them.
As the man and woman entered the room they could hear Eideltwine’s booming voice emanating from deep in his lair in a kind of broken English that would indicate to anyone that Eideltwine the 600ft tall giant was not a born English speaker. “I am parched, hurrying up with that cuppa of tea”
The man and woman diligently made their way to their designated electrical socket.
“I have a plan, I am going to kill Eideltwine, we can not go on being ruled by a giant,
we must assassinate him, first it was all the toasters, then the Brevills and the slow cookers, now the kettles, when will it end, all I have in my kitchen now is a soda stream and an electric can opener”
“But how, Eideltwine is the supreme leader of earth, he could kill you simply by causing you death or removing your limbs or that other thing” said the woman
“I know all about that but someone has to make a stand, quick if we run down the water shoot we should enter the milk room, I know a farmer who had to bring all his cows in who has designed a new poison that comes straight from the udder, however it turns tea green and, I am an international die specialist and I can die anything to the beige of tea” said the man
The man and woman then kissed
“Help me up” said the man as the woman struggled to shove the lard arse mans lard arse into the water shoot “ Now toots grab my arm”.
“No” said the woman “ First tell me who is the farmer with the poison cows”
“Its Jack Bean now quick get in before the first kettles begin to come to the boil”
The woman then draws out her walky talky. “Farmer Jack Bean poison cows,
Lock them down, pass no green tea to his majesty Eideltwine and release the water stream now”
The man then struggles to remove himself from the shoot, but he is too fat and can not do it, he looks at the woman and says
“How could you, Eideltwine is a monster, he is destroying the worlds supply of kitchen equipment, surely your kitchen must be empty and he looks a bit foreign looking and can’t speak English properly ”
“Eideltwine is my father, and I have never been into gadgets I prefer a more traditional form of food preparation which is unusual in today’s cash rich time poor society, I just want you to know one thing though, I only kissed you so you would get in to the water trough, and tell me who had the cows you ugly fat fucker, Now release the water”
“arghhhh” said the man as he was boiled alive until he was dead from a big stream of boiling water that was pouring all over his lard like body.

The end

jamjam23 for papercut magazine

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