Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Books I have written or am about to write

The curious case of the egg.
In which an Egg becomes Prime Minister for the Whig party
after impersonating Pitt the Elder

A collection of Janet.
Janet Street Porter and Janet Ellis go on an exploration to
Chad to bury a wicker model of Janet Jackson

Midwinter Hacker
On the 21 December solstice a murderer kills the shortest man in England
could the Midwinter Hacker be the same man who killed the Tallest man in England on June 21st

Jaunty London
Whereby a Londoner from Old cockneyland tells the world the secret of how the world revolves around them and how if the tube is broken and they are late for work it is more important than 5 northeners dying in a crash

Wick Wack Woe
Read about the sad demise of Noel Edmonds' live action cross of the old bash the hampster game and naughts and crosses.

Love my eyelashes
For Charles Brice the devotion of Orphelia was not enough, he needed her to love his eyelashes. What drives a man to such acts, and what was the real reason he was thrown out of the 2003 mascara world cup.

Ex-Dog - Brian Harveys Autobiography (Ghosted)
Brian Harvey used to be a dog. It was like Woof only I was a dalmation and their was only one of me not a hundred and I had to have this meat that was like all jellied with eels in it only I swear they were maggots anyway one day I was rummiging through a skip and I ate these pills and the made me a geezer didn't they. It was mad, I rutted this other dalmation but I cun't take it and started acting like a dog coz i wanted to go back to one, it was only when i run after a motorbike and got run over that i remembered that i was not a dog all along and i just took a pill and it fooked me up, I did fuck a dalmation though, that was mad.

Yorkshire Hovercraft
The story of Brian Walcot from Barnsley to Dover floating on a curtain of air.
Foreward by Darren Gough

The crazy crazy zany madcap bonkers world of Denise

Denise walks to church to greet her auntie who has gone to the service.
No one knew it but Denise had left the house without her purse.
Denise did not even know she had left the house without her purse, except maybe on a sub-concious level.
When she arrived at the church the service had not finished and it looked like rain.
So she nipped over the road to the local cafe and ordered a cup of tea. It was then that it dawned on Denise that she did not have her purse. She said to the woman behind the counter that she was terribly sorry but she had forgotten her purse, and could she cancel the tea.
The lady in the cafe said "no problem, can I cancel you" it was then that the lady threw the cup of tea she had already poured in Denise's face.
Poor Denise, she was lucky that their was already milk in the tea, otherwise she would have had to have some of her bum grafted to her face.
The sadness of this story was that just as Denise cancelled the Tea she felt a pound coin in her pocket which she had from the trolley in the supermarket from yesterday so could have afforded a nice up of tea and even splashed out on an iced finger


Ok, I just started to try and get my life back in order. I gave up smoking and the coughs are giving way to a kind of clarity of thought. It’s just a shame that these thought patterns are telling me many conflicting things, such as, I hate everyone, busses are good and wholesome, people have diseases and sometimes when you sit still in a city the sound is wonderful, like a movie soundtrack, rear window or something, try it, you will probably get mugged.

You see the problem, joy unharnessed as me and my fellow man walk hand in hand singing all the way to la la hippy land, I am loose daddy o, I am no uptight square then bang! Mr Cynacism strikes, realising that when me and my fellow man walk hand in hand, people might hit me for being a gayer and I might get a disease, does my fellow man wash his sweaty hands, and why the hell does he want to hold my hand is he secretly trying to get me to kiss him, my fellow man, that’s fine he is my brother and like eurgh that is incest.

It was the main reason I approached the people at Negaway, they say they can erase nagative thoughts from your character on a one week residential course. Putting away all thoughts that the negative thoughts may be a defensive mechanism and the fact that I need to stop shysters taking advantage of me to one side, I boarded the coach to Ashby de la Zouch. On checking in I was greeted by Ella Des Ripoffia the founder and course leader for this Negway course in easing away negatve feelings.
Below are my notes from the one day course.

9.00 am
We are in a circle of trust everyone introduces themselves and tells the group there Job, Colin IT Support, Jeff Green, Florist, Shona Ona Secretary and it comes to me, I am tempted to say Dave Banwick Drums and extra percussion, watching Spinal Tap the night before will not help me

9.30 am
Ella tells the group that goals are important, i look around the room pretending to look for a pass so I can score I must have been in a trance before she said goal look at me I am pathetic I think as I notice everyone paying full attention, I wonder if they are all day dreaming, I come o the conclusion barry is and I might talk to him at the coffee break, what time is that 10.30 fucking hell best concentrate dont want to drift off into a day dream, I look at Ella and realise I have been daydreaming and..............

cant be bothered finishing i tried to fuse two stories together, it aint working

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Electric Cardboard

So I am scratching my head now.
I was upside down I remember that, some sort of box was involved.
I met a man called Mr Hampshire, he was wearing a pink beret and had a beard but no moustache. In fact I remember where I met him it was on the corner of Bury Hill and Sutton Road in Potton near Cambridge, why was I there? There was a cardboard box, like an office stora file but it was huge as big as a cargo container.
Mr Hampshire said it was the biggest in the world, however he had lost the lid, "they always loose the lid" he said "not to worry though because they never fit either". I don't recall who built it I remember seeing two tow trucks at either end
of a cardboard wall driving to each other and a box like shape forming as another card wall seemed to rise from its centre. It was then I heard a bang and the next thing I woke up inside a shape and it is nearly that moment I am in now, in fact all I do is turn the right way round from being upside down and I am scratching my head, and its the moment at the begining just before this flashback happened.

I tried to remember more of what happened and get some sketchy details.
I shout out " Mr Hampshire" he does not answer however I feel the sensation of movement. It feels like I am in a truck and I look up, I see the sky moving and momentarily confuse this movement for a windy day. I am in a truck. My head is scratched again but this time its well after the one at the begining because time has elapsed like the film of my life cut away to the exterior of the truck and I was at a designated time in the future and if I needed the toilet I would have been but the story did not need to go into the hows and wherefores.
I look through the pockets of my white coat and find a piece of paper, it is a screwed up first page of New Scientist, there is a picture of me in a yellow beret with my moustache minus beard, and a chap in a pink beret with a beard minus moustache. It reads
John Hampshire and James Jamshire inventors of electric cardboard predicts cardboard size transformers in every home by 2008,
This can not be true, I thought, the properties of electric cardboard are not fully understood, in a home environment it could be catastrophic. Just then the truck stopped, warning lights started beeping and the box began to move backwards down a slope,
the last thing I remember was seagul after seagul made frantic by the power of electric cardboard flying down and opening their mouths and trying to eat my yellow beret and its contents, and just then something flashed before me and the one sentence looped in my head till the thought could no longer exist and my vision turned red from the blood dripping down my brow till the stop of everything, It was John Hampshire offering to file the patent for Electric Cardboard and then laughing like a villain in a bond film.

What a fucking wanker you are John Hampshire what a wanker you are, no one will ever know or trust the safe domestic electric cardboard after you have finished you evil industrial electric cardboard weilding murderous scum.

Hippocamp Ruins Sgt Pepper

Get it while you can heir version of Pet Sounds did not last long

Bad Poetry Alert

Such dreams are made of this.
A walk in a park.
Signs we cant see.
Its not romantic
but it is, as like as is.

A journey not too short
not too soon
Of the mind
and for the soul.

How can it be
when the pools we dance in are urban, sub urban
and yet we dance merrilly not wallowing
tomorrow strikes us its not mundane
but its here
here is my nirvana my soaring sea my glazial peak

thats because tomorrow is never with us today
and our future is tied into this.
One day we will be free and we will see
We will see clearly the exotic and quixotic hand in hand.

It lives in hope and will never die
just maybe subside and burn bright and subside and burn bright again and again
thats why I run for you, not with you

The trees
the concrete
the path not seen
the path most walked
a route not a destination.
to the end and the sea

musica poetica carl orf in the background
and no it does not make sense

List of no consequence Number 1

Time Team
Garbled Voices
Valentines Day
Art Deco
Horse Drawn Carriage
Scuba Diver
Ready Brek
Tom Paulin
Sock Puppet
Feel free to add a comment or your own words to the list of no consequence Number 1

Monday, December 12, 2005

Self Portrait

The internet is stuffed with bad out of focus self portraits of people and their camera's done in mirrors.
Do these people not have any friends....oh I see.
Well you could at least use the timer.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Every Rose

Every Rose has a thorn, not mine
I pick them off and lick them and stick them on peoples noses so
they look like a unicorn or rhino.
Sometimes I stick loads on my face and pretend I have a disease
or 3 on my forehead and pretend I am Vivian off the young ones


The supermarkets in spain sell mis-shaped apples or so I was told, in fact I am not even sure there is a Spain at the moment.
I have had one of those health scares so I am doubting everything. You know bit of blood on your toilet paper and you think you have bowel cancer but you just hope it goes away as,
A)I am too young to die
B) I can not be bothered going to the doctors as I am a bloke and that is what we do.

Well back to the apples and enough about bloody poo's or hopefully
blood on the poo not in the poo (courtesy of the online medical journal). The implication was the apples were tastier because theS were not apple shaped so if that is true why is an apple shape not like the ones in spain all miss-shaped and..,
sorry back to my arse, gay people and adventurous ladies must bleed too so its no big dealio, just a moment of worry, but I have been tired a lot recently so it could be cancer but as I say I can't be bothered being bald and a charity case and if I am hospitalised with it I don't want to be visited with people being nice and stuff. Apples andway, yeah, how can they be tastier if they are a different shape,
if I eat a bag of crisps and eat the weird shaped ones they do not taste any different but I bet if I picked them out, put them in a bowl and kept the perfect ones for myself, I could sell the duds as "healthier lifestyle crisps" and afford to inflate my price and just have free perfect crisps just for me. Maybe I should stop watching Doc Martin

Sunday, December 04, 2005


There is this man thinks he is cool goes by the name of xxx.
Can not really let you know who he is as he once fucked the pope,
with a rope. Well anyway cool guy walks in abr girls wet their nickers they are creamed ti the max and all guy can say is, I want to erm like be a painting, more nickers come his way, he says like I like Van Gough buy me some wine while you drink beer and who the fuck are you you dirty slag, I wrote you a poem, wanna fuck, on second thought lets go the toilets I have some charie, well its cheap speed i could snort it off your tits, i am just like so art you fucking monster bitch I love your cunt buy me some gin, i love you you know that song is about you. Now shut up you moody bitch can I stick my fingers down your pants, You let me you dirty hoar, do you have any charlie, i write poetry I am gonna cry dont tell the boys. Hey lads this dirty fucker will do anythink I snorted speed of her flaps and she sucked my cock when I said that song you wrote about yer mam was about her and she was dofferent. Where so we start, are you still here I just had a shit now fuck off you are in the gents I will get you barred. I got to smash that mirror where is my fucking gin who stole myt coke I am ganna smash this room in you pathetic pissants you do not know my torture fuck off I am smashing this room. Who are you bouncers fuck off I own this joint you stole my coke , Get the pigs I do not give a shit, They sold me coke they sold me coke diie die die. Why do I want to cry, i cant tell my real friends from the hangers on so I am gonna have to fuck you and shit my self and be vunreble it will give you a better feeling in the morning like i cared but i dont because tomorrow there is more coke and bigger tits now fuck off out of here before i forget my manners and do you up the arse and sniff all my coke the bus is leaving and you will know that i wrote that song about you, try again with th next shipment of feckless fuckers we all will die of the disease.

Things to make you say..Fuck Off

Nuts in clear plastic bags
Jools Holland
Sky Sports News
Gary Lineker
Long Sleeve Shirts with T Shirts above that are fake and not two garments
Male Models
Ice Lollys that have defrosted and then been refrozen so they have a weird texture
Bel Biv Devoe
Home Pages
People saying, are you OK
Boy Bands
Not being able to roller skate when you are drunk without everyone thinking you weird
People asking for a fare on a bus and then going through their purse to find the right money
Pensioners and people with prams in rush hour
The Warm Arts
Me and my lists
People being too nice
Milk Men
People who say your so clever when really they are so thick

Friday, December 02, 2005


Note to shops in the Northern Quarter.

Selling virtually nothing does not give you the right to have a pretentious wanker on a laptop sneering at everyone like you own an art gallery and you have to let the plebs in just to make ends meet. If you want to feel superior go work in a record shop!

Amd yes, I am slightly rounder than I should be but I am not bitter (much)