All those arms

All those arms making super noodles
Strugling with the packet
opening them and putting them in a pan
boiling the water.
Would they not be better just searching for that thing called love?

What a plank the world cup turns you into.

Earlier this year i seriously thought about writing a world cup song.
I aborted it after the first draught, just re read it, and it seems bizarrely optimistic.

You've got to run away
It's time to turn the other cheek
The guys that start the fires, are always the first to leave
but this year I do believe.

They say there's no surrender
but they do not speak for you or me
we have the lion on our sleeve
and this year, yes, I do believe

Chorus
I believe in engerland
I believe in having fun
I believe in 4 4 2
I believe in loving you

Todays our shining day
for the engerland are away
on the summer of their lives
and not like in footballer wives

Chorus
I believe in engerland
I believe in having fun
I believe in 4 4 2
I believe in loving you

so when it comes to the nity grity
Sven don't say its a pity
say your boys done us proud
and sing for the engerland loud

Chorus
I believe in engerland
I believe in having fun
I believe in 4 4 2
I believe in loving you

I exagerate

Bez,
I say Bez, the truth is this,
I was walking through town, down a side street, headphones on maximum,
on the verge of nearly singing when from nowhere this Silver Beetle
screams past with its stereo pumping. I noticed the driver was Bez,
the mondays version of Cressa, anyway I nearly jumped out of my skin.
End of story.

It was not the end of the story though, as I walked along the backstreet with its narrow pavements it became, "That man is a cock, if I had stood in the road
he could have run me over" so when I recounted the story to my girlfriend later that evening it was not, I jumped out of my skin when a car came past, it became Bez tried to run me over. Now I am not a liar, so I rephrased it and explained the whole thing again where he just made me jump.

Fast forward a day or two, I am walking down the same alleyway with headphones on full blast, nearly singing along and there is some wet cardboard on the floor, it looks like it smells of piss, so I walk on the road briefly, In my head I get a vision of Bez coming up behind me, beeping his horn. I start to think what an absolute cunt Bez is, and I decide that if indeed that did happed I would give him the finger and call him a cunt. In fact I was sure that is what I would do as he drives like a goon.

I get to the bus stop and I am still angry with him and replay the imagined incedent in my head, and decide that I might actualy get a bit nervous calling him a cunt, it's not exactly Dorothy Parker, so I decide instead that I should call him a yanky toothed bastard, as he has just had a tooth job, but he might not get that, so I resigned myself to calling him, tooth cunt, not ellegant but to the point.

I then got on the bus and thought hang on, this never happened, i just had a two minute bit of anger for something that never happened, and you know whose fault it is, yes, Bez's for nearly running me over the yanky toothed cunt.

X factor

The x factor is a pile of shit, I am skint at the moment so have spent a few saturday evenings in, signing this petition will hopefully help those big wigs over at ITV1 to improve it.

Yes a Sigur Ros themed X Factor.

Its Genius all the singers can warble till their harts are content.

Sign the petition at

http://www.petitiononline.com/jamjam23/petition.html

Cheers

Aborted Projects

John Box needs a rucksack

Terry and Juniper

Snacktime for Josie

Many a mickle makes a spaceman

Batmobiles and Bassoons a history

The Guinness book of world Cd's

The upside down philatelist

Fatal Embalmer

Shrub Equaliser

Sprig Sprogs Spring roll Show

Abbey hey zoo watch

Fireworks over Cleethorpes

A fistful of air bricks

Sparrow my aunt

Juicy mints hobby house

Railway dreams for pinky

Jelly Whiskey

A bigger room than I imagined

Chislehurst woodchippers chisel show

Brown brick hat veranda

Sky Pen and Bob Racket do Derby

Last of the supervalue wine

Coolio and Julio
Coolio and Julio Isglasias solve crimes with hip hop rhymes blunts and lovin'

a do do do a da da da thats all i want to say to you

The most offensive thing I could do.
I had to do.
Rhyme do with do
but why do.

I said I had to do do
but I did not have to do do
I think I wanted to do do
As I know you should not do do

It makes this poem do do
doing this do
by over using do
its just not to do.

so if you are doing a speech at a do
or explaining that a verb is to do
here is what to do....
know there is no such thing as the right thing to do.

Then you are done

I went to London on Friday

It was shit.

Drunken Rant - Shops

I got drunk and started talking to my computer.
Sorry

Thank you JD, I have grown emotionaly and I think I love you all lets all hug

Thank You JD

I like Scrubbs. Its funny, it dont give a shit. It is sureal and nasty, kooky and crazy, but why oh my lord why do I hate it so much. There is a simple answer, the program is about 25 minutes long and it is not scared of showing its characters as nasty self absorbed w@ankers, all that matters is the jokes keep coming even if it does involve the death of a nice character or incompetence by one of the leads, yes hooray well done America you get what is funny and you are brave enough to do it, thats what is funny etc.

You have probably twigged by now that something is wrong here, yes one of the funniest, even in its predictability, sitcoms of the last few years always ruins its self in the last five minutes. To the extent that my girlfriend has banned me from watching it as she says I always tutt and shout at the tv in the last 5 minutes and am then in a bad mood for ten minutes afterwards. Yes those sacharine family valued and moral messages about doin the right thing, straight from the huxtables in the cosby show, get slammed down my face and I want something i never wanted from the cosby show, I want all these charactres to die. A voiceover by JD while playing all the characters in slow motion realising the error of their ways and how to improve as people to a soundtrack by fiona apple is shit, shit, shit, and all i want for the last 5 minutes is for all the characters to realise the important things in life, like getting a suicide club together, buying a malfuntioning grenade to share at a party, walking under a ladder near the zoo after the monkeys have discarded their bananas on the floor whilst drunk on pernod or drowning in smug juice. Argghhhh! Just something to make them dead or shut up.

This is why the american version of the office is the best american sitcom on TV.

Things that I think are the same but aren't

Just a quick list

The Theme to Superman and The Theme from Star Wars
(hum one then the other...its hard isn't it)
Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio
U2 and Coldplay
People with Downs Syndrome
Butlins and Pontins
Every Hollywood comedy film I have seen this year (not funny and cue the emotion its fix you by coldplay)
New Labour and Camerons Tory's
local news
the mail and the express
toilet rolls
tetleys tea and beer
double and king size
tunnocks tea cakes and tea cakes
a harp and a harpsichord
pat nevin and hue & cry
deaf and blind people
hamsters and guinea pigs
Philippa Forester and Sophie Aldred
Diet coke and coke zero
Diet Pepsi and Pepsi Max (see above)
Phil Jupitus and Kevin Davies
Tie Rack and the sock shop
newcastle upon tyne and newcastle on lyme
betty boop and betty boo
Robbie from eastenders and tyrone from coronation street
ships and yaughts
rap and hip hop
hale and pace
newspapers weekend magazines
metal bands
porn and erotica
Scissor sisters and Leo Sayer
buses and coaches
poems and short stories
wires
debit card and credit cards
pornography and art
pants and trousers
terrorism and war
add your own

weev been boumed

It bagan with a walk. a veery shart walk.
That daaay, when the spellinling bro owke.
It wes supposad to be a sheduleeed out age
butt it larsted a lif time. A hole generashion lost all abileaty
to spell. Shake'a'spear wa signored aswad a hole genrashion ov teh grate riters.
english ad evolved. evan text speke ad gon.
Wen I got bak from me walk, kids cowld only wathe there fones ateach over.
they had last the able ity ta ethen rad numers.
twas licky i is a poet and diddd net get kawt in tha mayne burts ov nukler boomm.
so iv u need sum cleaver cloggs and shist soing and tthart cuntakt meeee and i whill elp ya, has tha nex genurashion need dare storyers toad.

are sosy-yetti now as an aural speakage vat we need to shaar §o iv dare is any1 helse out thare pleeees elp us till are storie.

The sickness of green spitty chesty infections the podcast

Written early in the year when I had flu, or a cold. I have recorded it in my best phoning in sick at work voice, ie not very good which is why I hardly ever phone in ill.

Pete Doherty's Dream

Pete Doherty's dream, I wondered what Pete Doherty out of babyshambles nightmares smelled like so I made this.

Spellink in it

Spelling on a bloge can make you seem stupid even if you are not. I mean honestly, who has the time to spell check? Nobody thats who. That is why I recomend that if the spelling on your page or bulletin is a crock of turd you add the enclosd picture. It will automatically propel you from thick Joey who cant spell to a slightly brighter person who you suspect has a bigger mental capacity than the dumbkoff in the picture.

Aim low, its the internet.

PS I searched for Eamon pictures and there are loads of photo's of him like this one, do you think he watched Napoleon Dynamite, erm hang on its Eamon Holmes he probably watches carry on films on a loop in his downtime.

Snooker Loopy

I wore my waistcoat I had my blue chalk and all you wanted to do was say the balls were an expression of my desire for debauchary and acceptance. I bent over to pot a red and it was my desire to re-unite with my father, when I screwed back onto the black it was my fear of acceptance and the only cure was to drink a shot and go out of the pool hall and hug the first stranger I saw. My top break in frame one of 32 symbolised my reluctance to confront my fear of flying which in return made my "self love" a manic reflection of my own prejudice's.
Tell you what though Raj Prussad, its the last time I play snooker with you you fucking bendy mind botherer.

BP

Right Oil companies, they cant be cuddly and they will always be unpopular so what do BP do. Yes that's right they have vox pops, with people saying stupid unthought out mental ramblings, there is one on at the moment where the woman says "if we can put a man on the moon..." Let me stop that sentence right there,
1/ Who the fuck are these people, are they real? are they actors? Well it does not matter as we all know they are cretins which probably means they are ordinary Joes as we are all that stupid, but most of us wont do it on the telly to sell oil. So if you get approached by a film crew here is what to do.
1. Do not start the sentence "if we can put a man on the moon..." all this means is you associate landing on the moon with the future, you have no real knowledge other than its that big silver thing in the sky. add anything to the end of that sentence and it will sound dull,
examples if we can put a man on the moon...surely we can invent a moth repelling lightbulb/spinny eye machine/crisps that do not crumble in the bag, actualy the last one should be possible, science bastards get on to it!

2. Talk for ages get it off your chest, but whatever happens do not give them permission to use it, telly is not special, they are just underpaid wannabes so taunt them they are all quite thick, be cleverer than them dont be a sheep and nevr give them your real name.

I am bored of this rant you should be too youre not stupid and yes I have realised the irony.

Poor Paul

Paul had never been an Eagle but today was his chance, he grasped the special vimto lolly that had been dropped in the secret bin pod by Mr Debenham the famous confectionery scientist.
Paul placed it under his arm and began to fly, fly like an eagle all the way to the very top of the trafford centre squaking at all the passers by with that Seal song in his head.
The passers by looked on bemused, I bet they are thinking "a bald eagle in trafford it must have escaped" thought Paul slightly worried that he was capable of such a thought with his small bird brain. The flight was strenuous though, and Paul had exerted himself so much that the lolly began to melt into his feathers and became all sticky, he tried to remove it and it was with a crash that he landed dead on the car park floor his flip flops still stuck to the ledge on a piece of discarded sticky vimto lolly.

My travel

I came to Australia yesterday, it was a right nightmare.
I had to get the plane at 7am so that meant setting off at 4am.

So I got the train to the airport and got to the terminal with a two hours to spare.
I checked my bags in and the woman, and if you are reading Alison Bourne, yes it is you, accused me of having a fake passport, yes like I can fake them, so I had to spend the next hour being asked all sorts of silly questions, they phoned my mum and two people from work it was a fucking disgrace. Anyway, thanks to that stupid woman and her crazy notion I nearly missed my flight and people I know got woken up with threatening phone calls so thank you Alison Bourne.

Anyway I touched down (is that what you say) about an hour ago and just had to get that off my chest.
The journey was fine the food a delight, qantas do nice fish if you want to know.
Right I am off need to get my flight to Cairns and I wont need a fucking passport.

Dont believe a word I say

I was a tree

I was a tree with roots and branches and when it rained my toenails grew.
I was a remote control and when i was left by the back of the couch I read teletext.
I was a compact disc in a jewel case but I could not stand the music when i was played.
I was a Shop with a door and things to buy and in the sales I would feel bad.

When I was a tree the birds were my friends
When I was a remote control I wished people would walk to the tv
When I was a compact disc I just wished I was a vinyl album with gatefold sleeve
When I was a Shop I just wished I was the pub.

So all the things I have been and all the things I was
I always wanted to be a weather man but I never knew I was.

mainly cloudy with a high of 22c

If only 74 knew 13 I would be on top but I resign

There is a silence. It is not golden. It's the silence when all the electricity has gone. Not saying that we were not spontanious. I mean it is the silence you only know is truly silent when everything around it is gone. That is where we are now and it can not go on. I only want to do good things and I know that can not happen all the time. I can't be bad,I can't perpetuate your lies or play things politically, I perform tasks, but I am a thinker a drifter an artist, trouble is there is not much call for them, unless you count all my friends, they are the same as me which makes us all so individual, only we have nothing to sell but the freedom of our souls and that is not for sale. So what do we do, do we drink and fuck and screw. No we bicker and worry and get depressed as everytime we touch those stars we remember these are our stars in our room and we have not seen the stars the other people see as we think we know where those are, so we never reach we just sit and look complacent and complicit in the destruction through snobbery of their system, which is our system only we failed it and changed the rules to avoid the truth.

Shall I start a band, that all my friends in bands will see. Shall i paint a picture that no one can buy, write a poem no one can understand, publish a magazine to get in for free or shall I admit I am in a clique.

I resign.
Jared Kington

Back to the point for this is it, I would rather this world I do understand and fail in, than experience the silence in yours.

Festibee

A techno procession of lights
wine poured straight from a grape
A future as told by electric bees
march as one to the pavillion of truth
harness his powers as he does battle
the battle of wits from....old globes.
Illuminated by candles of truth
formed by drunk bees, honey turning to solid wax
on and on and on and off again
the pilot lights of d-doom attack
but I am light I am the sunshine
at 4 am I burn your skin
it can't float in like that
there must be a beep or a wasp flight
yellow black like a hazzard
a jar being slapped with a metal stick
water fills the metal to produce art
and still you dance and dance.

Its time for tea, drink it up
lick the dew on my canvas
I paint late at night,
just enough to catch the breeze
and watch the moth the ugly butterfly.
put your shoes on and dont tie the laces
stick them in your socks and march
the cold cold night of a hot swimmer day.
X
a summer day
a saturday

Make a promise
it wont ever stop
we will be able to lie and look
look up look down
scream out stay proud
watch nothing say nothing and still be the same
we understand.

then we hear the buzz, its a new bee
off to see.....tomorrow.

The award goes to.....

I have often thought of giving awards, when things work better than they should or are just so good as to make me think they deserve one, these are my awards from this weekend including that tragic day when we were knocked out of the world cup.

Best Elgar/Pet Shop Boys moment.

The football finished surrounded by people who did not seem to care, Gary Linekar said goodbye, The England have been knocked out montage came on Numb by the Pet Shop Boys playing along to lots of missed pens and slow motions of John Terry crying.
I Stared manfuly at the TV trying to stay composed, then in the distance booming across the street, came Elgars Nimrod at top volume, a little lump in my throat and the sadness turned to joy, the joy that I knew that would be a moment I would not forget.


Best Soundtrack Oscar to a Nick Hornby film - Badly Drawn Boy.

Thanks Damon, now every time that song comes on or it is in my head as an earworm I start Narrating my life in Hugh Grants voice.
"Walking to work through the northern quarter, 2 Units" "Drinking in Big Hands 5 units."
"Its the people that matter"...and so on the more pretentious it is the better it seems, what is wrong with me for fucks sake!


Best TV advert for a sing a long- Honda - The Impossible Dream

Its subtle and I like that, it makes them look like they think people might be clever enough to understand why he changes from a bike to a speedboat, good lusty sing a long showtune from Man from La Mancha too.
You can't beat a showtune*

Best Lightening
The blast that struck a 100 metres from me as I was stood on a stool with my head out of the window checking on my drains. Made me jump and dislodge my net curtains.

Stupid award for being an annoying twat.
Downloading the frosties , it's gonna taste great tv advert, and saving it as an mp3 on my phone and trying to blue tooth it to people when I am drunk.

Best Snaffle
The man who leaned over the counter at big hands on friday took a large bottle of spirits and just left, despite me shouting "Someones snaffled some booze" like the big grass I am (it's my local you look after it) no one heard me properly and all people shouted back was " A pint of Tetleys". I don't even drink bitter.


* Yes I do like show tunes and will young, and crap rom com's there is nothing wrong with that it is very manly, OK. grrr!
"it's ganna tast great its gonna taste great I can hear the frosties hittin' my plate!"

There is an Irish love song there somewhere,
the one where your familly are your friends
and biting off more than you can chew
will be the death of you

And then 50 years later the melancholy
envelops you as you settle down to brews
looking at the fields of your life
grazing in the paddock of your mind.

Someone once wrote

When you travel to your field
remember me well well
it was not my idea to bu an allotment
of the soul, my familys moved,

no no no

No no no no no no

World Cup

Ok I am pissed. I just watched the world cup matches tonight and quafed a superb amount of wine but I need this question answered, why the fuck ITV why the fuck. You are notoriously shit at the football, big games everyone turns away and tunes into bbc one but for some reason you think its because your presenters do not have the gravitas. The real reason is because any opportunity you go to an ad-break and you finish the program too quickly. Admittidley your pundits are pretty poor, but no worse than the beeb and you do not have Gary "I am too busy thinking of a weak pun to ask a proper question of Hansen so he can whitter on and talk slowly to everyone else" Linekar but for fucks sake do not put Steve Ryder in our faces, I can tolerate his "I have a parting" dullness but everytime I speak I think he is about to say "this could be Colin Montgomery's big chance to win a major/Rhona Cameron and the rest of the curling team will be watching with baited breath". He is Doogie Donnely without the accent, a man who things its dangerous to put his CDs on random, Alan Partridge without the post ironic glee. In short an analy retentive wank stain. Why ITV why do you promote this schmuck when you have Gabby, a normal woman, a woman who 99.9% of blokes watching would shag if it was not for the slightly broad shoulders, who understands the game, asks the right questions of the panel and frankly does not distract from the game with bizare personality flaws. Especialy during this wold cup where every right thinking football fan wants rid of their own personal Steve Ryders, the ametuer fan who only comes out at the big tornement, takes up all the room during the communal watching, shouts the loudest but never shows for the rest of the season.
Gabby, I respect ya, Lineker and Ryder, fuck off back to your travel lodge.

Rant over not sure how much sense that made.
PS.
World Cup Dream Pundit/Commentator lineup.
Host - Gabby Logan
Commentator. Motty
co-Commentator Gavin Peackock
Red Button - Steve Claridge and Steve Bunce
Pundit 1. Big Sam (tactics)
Pundit 2. Martin O'Neil (Weirdness)
Pundit 3. Toss up between Jack Charlton and Che Nevile

Roving Reporter James Richardson

Plus Leonardo.....for the Ladies ding dong elbow in the face

My Big Gay Day

12.00
Watched last nights big brother in bed cheering when the sezer got booted out (gay number 1) followed by bitching about davina and russel brand both being (former) dirty smack abusers (Gay number 2)
14.00
Got out of bed and went for breakfast with my girlfriend not realising the football was on (gay number 3)
15.00 Went charity shopping bought its raining men by the weather girls on 7" (gay number 4)
16.00 Went to town to meet my ex housemate and her two girlfriends, got off the bus as i saw some devine chairs in a junk shop and just had to by them (gay number 5)
(my new chairs I got 3)

17.00 Got to town to drink tea with the three girls (gay number 6)

18.00 Went to big hands drank more tea and made excuses to leave as I wanted to watch Dr Who. (gay number 7 and 8)

20.20 Started writing a blog as I am staying in (gay number 9)

The war at home

It was not the broken tank, or the dreams that were shattered that day, it was the hope that maybe one day, those little ones that escaped would be able to walk up to me with pride and say, tell us about our conception daddy.

Now what was left? Two dead goldfish a broken tank, some blood,a miniature treasure chest, a paramedic removing the glass from Delia's crack and water mixed with semen and waterweed, all over the floor, and the carpet! The carpet that I saved up for. The carpet that I picked from thousands upon thousands in a book in carpetright, ruined.
All in three seconds flat.
I implore you good people, do not fuck on a fishtank.

Interview with Eric Rommelschmitt 4.08

Secret tape of an interview with former East German secret Policeman Eric Rommelschmitt

How many things can I drop on my toe or have it stood on.

I hurt my toe, I dropped a roll of A0 Paper on it. Now can you guess how many times people have either dropped stuff on or stood on my toe by accident since I hurt it? At least 3 people a day.
Can you guess how many times anyone did in the 5 years since I last had something wrong with my toe. Yes that's right zero.

Why oh why etc.

Paul Gambaccini Said

Paul Gambaccini said you are the new george orwell
Paul Gambaccini said your records wont sell
Paul Gambaccini said roll over beethoven
Paul Gambaccini said fuck you fuck yer mama

There was a feather

There was a feather floating past the window
It looked like it neded a hug.
So I plucked it out of the air and put it in my hat.
A man came up to me and asked if I dealt.
I said I played cards
So he invited me to his house and started to play poker
He said hold em, so I grabbed his cards off him,
he asked me to leave.

Bus

So the bus arrives and I am like so ready to get on, and it stops and everything and this woman who was stood behind me gets on first, I dont mind as the bus stopped right near her but I am a bit peeved with the whole principle of it. Then she gets to the driver and asks "how much to town" I pay with a weekly pass so I try to flash it and brush past but the lady has got the drivers eye. So I wait with my ticket in hand as its rude just to walk on. Anyway the woman is asking how much to town and the driver says its £1.10, a normal person would have, while they were at the bus stop, maybe got out 2 quid or so in change and have it in their hand ready for getting on, not this woman, no no no.

Anyways the driver looks up and I walk on and sit down while this woman searches her bag for her purse. Now anyone who is not normal would at least have their purse to hand, but oh no no no not this bitch. her purse is right at the bottom of the bag, anyway she finds her purse and then says, how much, for fucks sake is this woman insane, the driver says £1.10 and the woman goes "right yeah", so she opens her purse and looks for her money, I can clearly see a fiver and gold coins possibly pound coins, but oh no she has too use her coppers, so she is paying out putting her money in the tray and I am going mad, she eventualy pays and makes her way to her seat and the bus just sits there for ten minutes while the driver trys to put all the shrapnell in the right compartments. Eventually we set off, and stop at every bus stop as its rush hour now. We even stop at the bus stop before I get off, where no one was getting on or off and the driver reads his paper for ten minutes, I originally think someone must be coming down the road, but no there is no one there, everybodys ears on the bus are steaming but no one says owt, they just sit there while the driver has a wank in the daily star, then just as I decide to ring the bell as I realise I could have walked to my stop twice over at least and because I am more pissed off with the driver than the stupid woman he sets off without even using the bus lane so I get stuck in normal traffic too.

So I am in the meeting with personel trying to explain why I am late and all I can say is that the bus can be a tad unreliable in the morning, when what I mean is its because of stupid cunts, but apparently that looks shit on an appraisal. Then again appraisals is another story.

Add your own swears to the list

I am bored so tried to write a nice story to pass the time, the first two lines sparked me into trying to write some good swears?
Add your own in the reply, the more offensive the better!!

"Shit the boat, It's May"

"Porky aunts you are right"

"Well I have never slipped one to a vicar but I know how they feel"

"Jigger my flaps"

"Jelly fuck toast"

"Saw me in two and crap in the hole"

"Your sisters gastric blister"

"You god damn god damner"

"You're online but you cant remember your fucking password"

"do me a lemon you giraffe"

"I would not shit on you if i was kinky"

"sit on my futock"

"garrote my nads"

"You ain't got a rope to cunt with"

"I would not piss on you if I was on fire"

"portillo"

"member of parliament for knobhead and dickwad"

"you're so fat you would eat cancer pie if it had sugar on"

"you've not got knob cheese, it's knob butter you churn that much"

"I would rather kiss my shit the bed mess"

"it is not small it's just you have a bucket fanny"

"if it smells fishy you've fucked it"

"he bats for the football team"

"salty jazz rubber"

"ever been to fuck off you cunting cuntsville"

"my favorite dj is spin on this"

Ricky Gervais

Hmm, he has gone. It was good while it lasted but I fear
he has gone straight up his own arse.
"Americans do this brilliant and that good and this and brits are scared of a challenge".
Remember Eric Idle, and no spamalot the musical is not a forward step.

Bad Joke I made up

Tetley are to bring out a new tea with an oo in it,
like Typhoo gives you an oo, its called Tetleyoo.

PG tips brought one out a couple of years ago with an oo in it but it did not go so well they called it Poo G Tips.

Its not funny is it.

Thats fucked up the sitcom I was going to write.

Photoshop for Dummies

When my mind wanders I tend to think, why do I waste so much time photoshoping? what would I look like as a woman? Then I thought why do I just not do it manually.

Eat what you want wonder diet

The Carbon neutral thing got me thinking
if I go on a plane they plant a tree to offset the carbon emissions caused by the journey.
What about calorie neutral?
Everytime I eat a kebab or some such garbage, I send a friend to the Gym to work off those calories so the world becomes calorie neutral.
It's the fucking future I swear!
I am going to be as big as (a house) Atkins,
I got this idea on 06 April 2006 so no copying and making tons of money from stupid fat people ok.

Stories for reading on the toilet

There was a man in a ten pin bowling tornament. He was the underdog and he won
on the last pin against a really big favourite.


Two girls went on holiday met two blokes, one lost her virginity the other one just talked with the bloke and was a bit embarressed as she did not fancy hers much.

There was a train going from Luton to Milton Keynes and it was late.
Apparentley it was a knock on effect from an earlier delay.

A guy went for a job interview at the London eye. He was nervous and fucked it up. He still got the job and works on the ticket booth.

A plumber fixed a tap that was leaking, he changed the washer.

Five estate agents were sat on the same table, however it was no coincidence as it was the office christmas party.

One day I bought some glue.

This tuesday I went to burger king, it did not look as clean as McDonalds but it tasted nice.

The butcher thought the bacon slicer was not broken so he made no attempt to fix it, turns out there was a bit of plastic stuck in it.

A french language student from Darwin went to Paris and spoke in french all weekend, she could not really come to grips with the French youths use of slang.

Dog walked into starbucks, the barista ushered it out and it went away, the Barista mentioned it later in a phone call to her mum.

John Livingston answered mainly B's when he did his girlfriends quiz in womans own. It meant he had a great need to be romanced by his/her lover.

I have an honest face

The 36 bus went under a bridge and it was too low, the top deck got ripped off. It was in all the papers.

Danny Baker was in somerfield wearing a cap once, its true I read it in heat.

Mike Barnes once put a CD in the wrong side up, he was not stupid it was a cd rom, he thought it might happen so when it did not play he ejected it and turned it over.

Sarah Jessica Parker

There is a myth that is being spread, every media outlet seems to be complicite in this lie. Namely that Sarah Jessica Parker, is a beautiful icon of our time, and not a skinny haggard poodle with a bleached coco pop stuck on her overly long ugly face.
Well let me tell you she is not beautiful, she is an actress who had a lot of sex with men in sex in the city, this is not real, in real life she would be what us chaps call, a mercy shag. You hang around with a bunch of attractive women and us men think it clever to chat to the ugly one on the basis that the fit one's probably get chatted up all the time, so the ugly one would be easy to pull. I would have let this lie, I have no beef with SJP but she has brought out a new fragrance and has had the temerity to call it Lovely and not only that but its full title is Sarah Jessica Parker Lovely (which is a bit like people who wrote "is ace" under their name any time they saw it written on anything in school and despite her being ugly and the fact I hate her, I kind of forgive her for being in D.A.R.R.Y.L.

C h i n g

ching ching ching. Ching ching ching ching ching.
Depending on the rythym of how you read the ching
will sound pleasing insane or non of those limited optons.
I am sorry I do not care, I just got the notion to write the word ching down.
Ching ching ching ching ching. In repetition I feel it offensive to call someone a ching, ching someones wife, ching with a chinger or even ching at the weekends without first chinging before hand.
ching ching ching, it is almost like a sing, but thsi ching is my ching and i am not chinging the way i feel. I feel like ching, ching is me, i think therefore i ching. Bill Clinton might use ching to get with the ladies.
Ching is the last word in this post. In fact one ching per-ching
C H I N G

Father Ted

Remember the episode of father ted where he waives at a window.
Please go get a black piece of paper and stick it on your monitor/
When did ross go all hitler?

Ran

This poem was originally in issue 5 of papercut magazine. It was inspired by a dream Stephen Hawking had hence it existing in audio format, as I tried to make it sound like his dream was so real that he was out of breath at the start and recovering at the end.

The sickness of green spitty chesty infections

I have got the sickness of the green spitty chesty infections
and when I blow my nose hardy gloop want to come out of my eyes.
SO I try and remain chipper until I cough and the old man in my chest wants to shout
yeeeeurch. And then I spit green to my teeth till I wipe it with my tongue on tissue and watch to see if its sticky or drippy. I drink the benilyn it says non drowsy, must be shit where is the drowsy stuff? I can't dribber like grandad without proper drugs and when cough cough my brain rattles ow ow that is just headache from shaky head vibrations. So snog me all, snog me one and spread the green spitty chesty infections to all the men and women in this gobs vacinity share my pain, and I promise when the green turns white and goes away I will let you know how great it is to run and drink and not wheeze like mutley and laugh like sidney james yak yak yak yak!

Golden Gate

"So then we all just sit here waiting for a boat, that is shit" said Al, it was not long since he had told us that the round the world trip looking for references to songs was not really working for him.
We had a party of fifteen who had paid us £60,000 each to do it and we had just arrived in San Francisco, and Al was pulling his face at the inspiration to Sitting on The Dock of the Bay which Otis Reading wrote three days before he died with one of Booker T and he was bored.

We still had to do the Frank Sinatra " I lost my heart in San Francisco" and the Scott McKenzie tune before we headed up to Seatle for the Nirvana tour which was the bit he was looking forward too.

"Are you pulling a face because you want to suck Kurt Kobains dead cock you cunt!" I offered by way of cheering Al up, I added "Fucking Otis Reading is a greater legend he used to come here when he had no money and dream about the glamour of these boats but you sit here all mard arsed saying you are bored I dont like boats I am a dick who moans all the time yadda yadda yadda"

Al retorted "Fuck you soul boy, Kurt was one of the greatest visionaries of the 20th Century and yes I am bored what do I and these people who paid us shit loads of money want to sit and watch a load of fucking boats they could do that in fucking Blackpool.."

"Ah" I interjected "They wouldn't there are no shipping lanes there just floating Ships and no dock and no fucking bay!"

Al ignored me "This is nearly as bad as the U2 treasure hunt when they had still not found what they were looking for, or when you locked them in that white room in surrey and told them to imagine for a bit, you are a pretentious cunt and you are making people pay money for shit"

"Al what do you fucking want me to do, I know everything about modern music and travel I was hardly gonna start a fucking greengrocers was I you dick munch, why dont you just fuck off to Seatle now, take them all I dont fucking care they wont learn dick when they are with you." I angrily retorted

"Alright" Said Al "Could all customers please board the bus, the tour will now move on to Seatle while dick boy over here goes to Height Ashbury to get his brain lobotomised and to see if there is an operation available where he can go fuck himself up his own fucking arse"

Its funny I have not spoke to Al since.

This is the borin bit of a blog, the so called Diary

I mean like no one gives a shit but...
I moved house in July, away from Chorlton into a luxury (cheapest house I could find) terrace in Clayton. Not too bad for getting into town (10-20mins on the bus) but not too good for meeting creatives and buying olives!

Anyway I thought I had settled down quite nicely until earlier this weekend, when I realised I had not really unpacked any of my stuff or even set up my record player, which is partly because my house only has one two point plug socket in each room!

Infact all I had done was set up my computers and set up my freeview and couch. So it was with much botheration that yesterday morning I decided enough was enough and finally unpacked. Books and papers and artworks came out of boxes and went into wardrobes that were rather hastily finished (I started one on boxing day and it just lay unfinished in the middle of my bedroom untill Saturday) and put in nice positions, clothes were picked up and put on hangers, carpets were hoovered (after I finaly replaced the flex after the woman in the shop told me the complete wrong way of doing it grrr) socks were paired and undies were sniffed and placed in the washing or in my new "I am always gonna put my duds in this draw" draw, and finaly I set up my record player and I have spent the last 6 hours playing every single record I bought since July, including two by a band I had never even bothered to listen too I just knew they were good, 3x7" sets from new order, and an Eric Satie album from the charity shop.

Now all I need is someway of storing all my thousands of records and CDs that are currently in the front lounge in something better than plastic boxes and to do a little light work downstairs and I reckon I might invite people round, on second thoughts that might be a bit of a stretch, I mean it could do with painting first, and then there is that damp patch and the gutters, might just invite people round who know about damp and have some big ladders.

Valentines Love Story about my Spider Shaped Monkey Knife

The spider shaped monkey knife I bought from Ikea lives in my kitchen draw.
I bought it a plastic shelf with sections and it has only left its home once.

Len Deighton was on TV telling us how he tought Michael Caine to make the perfect omlette in the film the ipcress file. I was amazed. So I went to my draw, and got the spider shaped monkey knife and stirred up some raw eggs and poured them in the pan to make this tasty treat. When I had eaten, I put the spider shaped monkey knife into my sink of hot water and soap. I cut the water with my spider shaped monkey knife into as many pieces as I could, or at least till my arm hurt so bad that it could take no more and when I glanced down I noticed well of white foam had built up. Bah! I thought, my spider shaped monkey knife has disappeared never to be seen again, so I ran to my lounge and got my Ikea catalogue out and looked at a picture of the spider shaped monkey knife and cried a silent tear, it seemed to get me through the night, although I had a strange dream about a Monkey Shaped Banana Spoon.

When I awoke the next day I went to my kitchen and looked in the sink, and there submerged in the clear water, what did I see, my spider shaped monkey knife had come back to me.

Abba

There is something odd, I listen to Abba and it pulls at something in my soul. It is not the music, that is fine and good and not so good, i think it is something in the songs, it suggests a time, a time just before I was aware of time, so every time I hear their songs I am dragged into this alternate abba world where I do not quite know how the rules work, punk or glam rock never do that, abba do and I don't know the words or how they were, or what was around them to influence them, the beatles belong to the sixties, yet I can justify their songs (apart from abbey road which has an abba factor too) and place them in a time a place and a moment even though I now nothing about it because I was not alive. So all in all. Abba make me cry, they make me feel like the leftover at the disco, the melancholic alcoholic looser who needs to smoke and walk up a mountain with the memory of tears pervading my very soul for the remainder of my life. And those very tears and despair make me love and feel zest as if their can be true emotional disturbance their can be joy, so reluctantly I put out my cigarette forget my sadness and dance and dance and dance on an empty dancefloor....there was something in the air that night.

What is a blog

A blog is somewhere you can write any old bollox and it is read by no one but yourself, a bit like a diary no one is interested in because generally you never have sex as if you did this is the last thing you would be writing/reading.

Scooldophile deffinition

Derivation pedophilie.
Mostly men late twenties to early fifties who hang around young children, school playgrounds etc., purely to groom children's parents carers or teachers for sex.

See US MILF

Wannabe Square Peg Paul Ross

The phrase wannnabe was invented by the spice girls to symbolise a new kind of street wise feminism (not necessarily) talented women being noticed and not beholden to the attitudes of men. A good example hotpants romance. Unfortunately this wannabe phrase has been adopted by TV's mr square peg himself Paul "I will do anything on TV" Ross. For fucks sake go on this morning and pretend to know all about Hercule Poirot, maybe amuse Phil Schofield with an impression, but man, for fucks sake, have some dignity. Where do you go from here, they are not gonna give you david suchets job, they wont even let you on freds weather map!
PS
It was too easy to do a mock up mastercard ad (also a bit too 2001)

Fact 5

Fridge has a D in it, Refrigerator gas no D in it. Weird

All you need is love

There is nothing u can say that can't be sung
Coz Im in a love that can't be wrong
Its easy
All u need is love

Sunday afternoons just getting drunk
Staggering home straight to a bunk
Its easy
All u need is love

A meeting of eyes in a crowded room
a nodd and a wink its so succinct
Its easy
All u need is love
***
love love sweet sweet love
love love sweet sweet love
Its easy
All u need is love
****
I've been with you so many times
you pick me up and i feel primed
Its easy
All u need is love

It aint a power game its trust and need
If i cut my arm I know you'll bleed
Its easy
All u need is love

So whats the next step I hear you say
Was it worth the strugle to find a better way
Its easy
All u need is love
***
love love sweet sweet love
love love sweet sweet love
Its easy
All u need is love
***
So as we go on a journey through this life
it gets me to thinking you're my wife
Its easy
All u need is love

All your answers seem to be simplified
because of mutual thoughts its all implied
Its easy
All u need is love
***
love love sweet sweet love
love love sweet sweet love
Its easy
All u need is love

Mr Guest - Road Safety song

mr guest mr guest

wrapped around his escort wheel
he fooled us with his sex appeal
mr guest mr guest

Driving up and down the street
crushing everybodys feet
mr guest mr guest

he thought it cool to drive so fast
now he only has a past
mr guest mr guest

so if your car is not going slow
you know where your going to go
like mr guest mr guest

operatically
he is dead

PodCast

Please subscribe to my podcast. Its experimental Art mixed with a heady mix of pure bollocks.
The first project is Soundtrack an attempt to recreate my journeys of February 03 2006 through to as many white headphoned peoples ipods as possible in the hope of creating a sound echo and hopefully making ipod users appreciate the sounds that happen all around us everyday.

I-tunes users, follow this link and and I Tunes should automatically find my podcast It is free and you do not have to register or anything.

If you use other MP3 clients these should be coming online in the next few weeks, simply search for jamjam23 or ben papercut.

I will endeavor to update the podcasts with challenging audio and video on a monthly basis.

The podcast is marked explicit, it is not rude it is just I often swear and shit (doh)

Soundtrack Part Three

Soundtrack Part Three Homeward Bound 29:58
This is the final part, homeward bound leaving the office and catching the bus home.


Soundtrack Project Full Details

On 3 February 2006, in response to an invitation received through the post on 2 February 2006 to take part in a distance artwork called

Soundtrack, I recorded elements of my day.

I converted these elements of my mundane life, going to work, going to the greengrocers at lunchtime, and going home into MP3's and

published them as podcasts, todays latest I.T. craze.

I then downloaded these podcasts from i-tunes to my i-pod and listened to them on Monday 6 February retracing my steps and attempting to

create my own unique sound echo.

With the files available to all for free via the internet I am in the process of encouraging more people to download my soundtrack via

i-tunes so they can create further echoes of my day and also to allow their own journeys to be soundtracked by my day.

---

Encouraging others to download the podcast is also an attempt to force my soundtrack to echo still further, onto the people you see

commuting trapped in the world of the white headphone.

Perhaps, if they appreciate the sounds they could naturally hear they might take the time to appreciate the sounds that occur on their daily

commute and record them for others to enjoy.

The soundtrack/podacst should be downloadable by searching jamjam23 in the apple music store.

Further info.
The project is purely digital as all the sounds were recorded using my mobile phone.

jamjam23
06 Feb 2006

Soundtrack is recorded in 3 parts


Soundtrack Part One Journey to work 35:01
Journey from my bedroom to work in Manchester City Centre

Soundtrack Part Two Greengrocers 20:16
Lunchtime, it starts at the greengrocers, and includes a chance meeting and a journey back to the office

Soundtrack Part Three Homeward Bound 29:58
This is the final part, homeward bound leaving the office and catching the bus home.

Soundtrack Part Two

Soundtrack Part Two Greengrocers 20:16
Lunchtime, it starts at the greengrocers, and includes a chance meeting and a journey back to the office

Soundtrack Project Full Details

On 3 February 2006, in response to an invitation received through the post on 2 February 2006 to take part in a distance artwork called

Soundtrack, I recorded elements of my day.

I converted these elements of my mundane life, going to work, going to the greengrocers at lunchtime, and going home into MP3's and

published them as podcasts, todays latest I.T. craze.

I then downloaded these podcasts from i-tunes to my i-pod and listened to them on Monday 6 February retracing my steps and attempting to

create my own unique sound echo.

With the files available to all for free via the internet I am in the process of encouraging more people to download my soundtrack via

i-tunes so they can create further echoes of my day and also to allow their own journeys to be soundtracked by my day.

---

Encouraging others to download the podcast is also an attempt to force my soundtrack to echo still further, onto the people you see

commuting trapped in the world of the white headphone.

Perhaps, if they appreciate the sounds they could naturally hear they might take the time to appreciate the sounds that occur on their daily

commute and record them for others to enjoy.

The soundtrack/podacst should be downloadable by searching jamjam23 in the apple music store.

Further info.
The project is purely digital as all the sounds were recorded using my mobile phone.

jamjam23
06 Feb 2006

Soundtrack is recorded in 3 parts


Soundtrack Part One Journey to work 35:01
Journey from my bedroom to work in Manchester City Centre

Soundtrack Part Two Greengrocers 20:16
Lunchtime, it starts at the greengrocers, and includes a chance meeting and a journey back to the office

Soundtrack Part Three Homeward Bound 29:58
This is the final part, homeward bound leaving the office and catching the bus home.

Soundtrack Part One

Soundtrack Part One Journey to work 35:01
Journey from my bedroom to work in Manchester City Centre

Soundtrack Project Full Details

On 3 February 2006, in response to an invitation received through the post on 2 February 2006 to take part in a distance artwork called

Soundtrack, I recorded elements of my day.

I converted these elements of my mundane life, going to work, going to the greengrocers at lunchtime, and going home into MP3's and

published them as podcasts, todays latest I.T. craze.

I then downloaded these podcasts from i-tunes to my i-pod and listened to them on Monday 6 February retracing my steps and attempting to

create my own unique sound echo.

With the files available to all for free via the internet I am in the process of encouraging more people to download my soundtrack via

i-tunes so they can create further echoes of my day and also to allow their own journeys to be soundtracked by my day.

---

Encouraging others to download the podcast is also an attempt to force my soundtrack to echo still further, onto the people you see

commuting trapped in the world of the white headphone.

Perhaps, if they appreciate the sounds they could naturally hear they might take the time to appreciate the sounds that occur on their daily

commute and record them for others to enjoy.

The soundtrack/podacst should be downloadable by searching jamjam23 in the apple music store.

Further info.
The project is purely digital as all the sounds were recorded using my mobile phone.

jamjam23
06 Feb 2006

Soundtrack is recorded in 3 parts


Soundtrack Part One Journey to work 35:01
Journey from my bedroom to work in Manchester City Centre

Soundtrack Part Two Greengrocers 20:16
Lunchtime, it starts at the greengrocers, and includes a chance meeting and a journey back to the office

Soundtrack Part Three Homeward Bound 29:58
This is the final part, homeward bound leaving the office and catching the bus home.

Pretentious Poetry/Songs time again

THE RIVER IS WIDE BUT IT IS NOT DEEP


Woman walks the streets at night
looking for the fix
when she doesn't no the cure
from one car to the next beaten and used

the pains she is in disguised
by lipstick and powder paint
shes to strong to cry
shes to wrong to cry

Living it hand to mouth
disease and death are not far
whos there to help
the moral majority

the pain she is in disguised
by lipstick and powder paint
shes to wrong to cry
trys to strong to cry

She is the one who takes the hit
she needs the hit to numb the pain
she numbs the pain to take the hit
vicious circle to pick on (it)

So here is some hope for every dope
who cant see the shinny side
take some time before you step
the river is wide but it is not deep

Sam Hammond Video

This is a video for Sam Hammond before he joined the UK's sexiest band (heat magazine) The Deadbeats. It's a bit rubbish, it was only intended to jazz up a website, but the songs are good Song One is Pawn in Her Game then it is followed by Bang Brother Bang which is a different version to that performed by the deadbeats today.

The Roadhouse I remember

Yuk the roadhouse
Its sticky carpet the heat the wretched stain of rock dripping from the
walls, black hearted rebels kicking the change on the floor.
Schlock bands playing too loud as they thought they were too cool for
volume although you would never guess looking at their splotched splat hair
and vacant souls spilling from their useless instruments.
Get me vodka so I can clense my soul and not spit back on the piss sopped floor.

Chuckle Brothers

Who was the first person to let them entertain children? He must have been a brave person.

Prejaracisfriendly

Prejaracisfriendly adjective
Describing something that is quite true though may well be considered racist
in modern society.

EG My hands smell nice because the black guy in the toilet had a tea treee scrub.

Racist in the terms of what does it matter what race the man who had lotions is but Prejaracisfriendly as there was no mallice intended and the race was only highlighted to justify the observation in the same way you would say that a lot of fashion designer men are gay. EG I just bought some chanel pants designed by a queen but totally fasionistic.

Maybe its not justifiable but there must be a polite slant on highlighting a race without there ever being malice, just pointing out a prediliction

Drug

Fancy going to a room full of people you do not like much, who all lie and are deluded and think they are better than you?
Do you drink too much try to get off with anyone who moves and then blame it on being a bit pissed?
Have you got slightly shit taste in music bad taste in clothes and believe that you have a lucky pair of underpants?
Are you paranoid and prone to irreverent pissed up rants about anything from the fact mini cabs do not use their radios anymore to the fact that the noises they use to dub out big brother when they are talking about anything good can't be live as their is a jumbo jet on the soundtrack and they do not fly over at night.

Well I can help you.

I am selling a wonder drug called suestitutto.

It makes you taller and seem really interesting, one of the side effects is it makes you intelligent, witty (not savagely) and an all round good egg, you can sing, write, read all to the rough equivalence of Steven Fry. You will find the banter in Frasier amusing and actually fundamentally understand why it is funny,
you will read more books and not just slosh thrillers but proper books like harry potter, just kidding I meant Shakespeare in the original French and Albert Camus in olde english.
You will also be able to play any musical instument and not just a guitar, you will be able to play cello, viola, kettle drum and bassoons and be able to write songs as great as the beatles and beethoven and in touch with youth and progression as much as the tweenys and rkelly combined

Want to take one of these pills?

Well fuck off you should have tried harder at school.

would be to watch or remember now it was

What was it?
I was in Japan and something happened?
I have never been, I was watching a film and I drifted off and I had this ace idea, I suppose the only answer would be to watch the film again, but I can't bear the samuri.
Thats right I remember now it was write a review or a snapshot of the film and see how I could quote myself as I like enigmatic quotes like the joy division one "just why or understand" which is lifted from a verse of She's lost control its not the whole line even but in abstract it makes you wonder of how it fits and when its in the whole line and even the verse " and she turned around and took me by the hand and said,I've lost control again.And how I'll never know just why or understand,She said I've lost control again " which is not uncommon, sometimes film titles from the 1950's can evoke the same whistful meloncholy a random pick this from imdb searching frank sinatra brings, Some Came Running,None but the brave,and Not as a stranger. That anyway is why I wrote this piece however if I can not find a title I will make one up that I wish I had shoehorned in earlier.
shit

Sticky Fingers

Sticky Fingers today. Accident with glue. I only meant to stick our love. Ended up sticking my hands. Its not what you think there was a chance. To fix a hole in the side of my house. I pumped and pumped but could not release. Then a crack and explosion and gunk everywhere. I stuck my hands in the sink and swished them all around. I returned to the gun and the sticky stuff was setting. I tried to wipe but it was sticky and stretchy so i threw it away and grabed some wood and bonded something else. The moral is never pump when your end is unatended. As it can back fire and leave you with sticky fingers for the day.