Meaty beaty and bouncy

Farmers eh, who says we city folk do not understand them, here is something they do for fun.

Crack

Do you think anyone has ever found a crack in the walls of their house and treated it with oil of olay?

Little Brittain

Are they the new Wham! think about it a really succesful double act with one member far more talented than the other.
Popular beyond any logical reason especialy with women and the young.
When is the rugged solo career followed by coming out as gay (oh!)

Film Pitches 2

English Pie.
Boy shags a hollands meat pie. His dad catches him as he returns from the pit.
His dad tells him all about the joys of sex and really embaresses him by saying
he did it with a wippet before he married his mum when he was 17.

At the school disco one of his best friend ends up shagging Stiflers mum who is a dinner lady who smells like gravy,
one of them eats a curry pie and can not stop shitting and one of them eats a hash pie and is like stoned and says wow a lot,
and on the way back home from the disco they bump into the wigan pie army and forced to have sex with the
pie army majorette who has a mimsy that, funily enough tastes like a meat and potatoe pie and like a fresh oven pie also leaves you with lesions in your mouth.
Like porkys but with pies and heart!
Family fun!

Eideltwine

The man in the queue was not quite sure if it was happening or not, I t could all of been a ruse but he grabbed hold of the lead and dragged his kettle a yard or so nearer to the door. The kettle looked tired and bedraggled the chrome plating worn to a dull semi-shine with blotches and marks signalling each murderous boil of water.
The queue had not really moved for an hour it just got closer together as the temperature moved another degree colder.
“Is that an Electrolux” the woman said looking down at the mans kettle, “no it’s a Dualit, I used to have the matching toaster until last week when I had to bring him in during the toast famine, what you got”
“Russell Hobbs, I was not going to come but I saw what happened to all the people who were hiding Brevils so I dared not risk it” said the woman
Just then the door opened and a man called out
“Place Electric Kettles to the left on the floor and hold there flexes in your hand, all other kettles place between your legs and remove any whistles”
He made the same statement half an hour ago and half an hour before that but this time he added.
“The doors will open in 15 minutes, you will now be given a card depending on your kettle and you will either be allocated an electrical socket or a gas ring in the hob section. Water will be available in buckets every 15 metres between the stoves or electrical sockets ”.
“Same deal as with the toasters, it’s going to be tremendously hectic” said the man to the woman”

“ When your kettle is boiled” continued the man “ the water must be poured into the channel, when you have done this leave the kettle empty and unplugged in the bins marked spent kettles”

“I heard they are going to be asking us for our deep fat fryers next” said the woman
The cards were then handed out and then after a wait of about ten minutes the doors opened and a collective scrape signalled the kettles being dragged towards them.
As the man and woman entered the room they could hear Eideltwine’s booming voice emanating from deep in his lair in a kind of broken English that would indicate to anyone that Eideltwine the 600ft tall giant was not a born English speaker. “I am parched, hurrying up with that cuppa of tea”
The man and woman diligently made their way to their designated electrical socket.
“I have a plan, I am going to kill Eideltwine, we can not go on being ruled by a giant,
we must assassinate him, first it was all the toasters, then the Brevills and the slow cookers, now the kettles, when will it end, all I have in my kitchen now is a soda stream and an electric can opener”
“But how, Eideltwine is the supreme leader of earth, he could kill you simply by causing you death or removing your limbs or that other thing” said the woman
“I know all about that but someone has to make a stand, quick if we run down the water shoot we should enter the milk room, I know a farmer who had to bring all his cows in who has designed a new poison that comes straight from the udder, however it turns tea green and, I am an international die specialist and I can die anything to the beige of tea” said the man
The man and woman then kissed
“Help me up” said the man as the woman struggled to shove the lard arse mans lard arse into the water shoot “ Now toots grab my arm”.
“No” said the woman “ First tell me who is the farmer with the poison cows”
“Its Jack Bean now quick get in before the first kettles begin to come to the boil”
The woman then draws out her walky talky. “Farmer Jack Bean poison cows,
Lock them down, pass no green tea to his majesty Eideltwine and release the water stream now”
The man then struggles to remove himself from the shoot, but he is too fat and can not do it, he looks at the woman and says
“How could you, Eideltwine is a monster, he is destroying the worlds supply of kitchen equipment, surely your kitchen must be empty and he looks a bit foreign looking and can’t speak English properly ”
“Eideltwine is my father, and I have never been into gadgets I prefer a more traditional form of food preparation which is unusual in today’s cash rich time poor society, I just want you to know one thing though, I only kissed you so you would get in to the water trough, and tell me who had the cows you ugly fat fucker, Now release the water”
“arghhhh” said the man as he was boiled alive until he was dead from a big stream of boiling water that was pouring all over his lard like body.

The end


Eideltwine
jamjam23 for papercut magazine

Old Diddy loves Pink

Diddy Loves Pink
jamjam23 2003


I have in my possesion a journal of a mission I undertook last summer. Its too long to type out verbatim It looks the whole of my day on 23/06/2002 from tedious meandering on my journey from manchester to scarbrough with each log timed. I set myself a misson. a couple of days earlier after constantly postponing a proposed project with a real artist (Emily Dennison) based around Diddy loves pink. The thing was we could not think of anything with substance. Simply photographing or trying to find out who wrote this piece of grafitti was not enough for me, I felt it meant more to me. So on the friday i made T shirts yellow on black emblazoned with the phrze "diddy loves pink" in bold black. I had a vague idea i wanted to take a photo of it on scarbrough beach surrounded by yellow beacons, i also wanted out of my house as I hate parties, there was one organised for the saturday evening. On the friday night up in my room I formulated a plan so i would act on this idea. It was to do with the thing i mentioned earlier and drink a cup of tea and eat fish and chips (a strike to feel more english?) at a restraunt with a sea view. I typd out a manifesto and printed two copies off. One to tell my flat mates what I was up to and one for me so i would not forget, i also left a book for my housemates or anyone at the party to log their comments about this endeavour. I then awoke early on the saturday packed my things and headed to the station.
When i arrived at Scarbrough i was strangely captivated not only by its strange beauty which i had not expected but by its proximity to the north sea. I did when i was a child live on the north sea coast in holland and it was strange to get these feelings as i might have chosen blackpool had the day been colder and my ambition smaller. Non the less i tried to supress these feelings overtaking me and instead made my way to a beach overrun with tourists so i could find my fish and chip restraunt. After a brief destraction of the arcades where i found a machine to make stickers of my t shirt and numorous ways to blow my money, and after countless strange looks. I found my restraunt drank my tea and ate my food the restraunt hadw a beautiful seaview and realised my afternoon had turned to early evening and i had still not placed my tshirt on the beach. I walked all the way to the opposite side of the coast to the point where the beach becomes slightly more rocky with little pools for catching crabs
set down my tshirt and beacons and snapped away. I felt strangly unstatisfied but completely justified. i packed up my stuff and headed for a nearby cafe and ordered another cup of tea, and watched the sea. It was then i knew why i had come to scarbrough it was to see my old friend the north sea which i had not swam in since i was 6. I made my way back to the beach placed my bag on the floor and proceeded to walk into the sea, I managed to get about 12 feet in until i realised my jeans were soaked upto my knees but i did not care, I thought i would walk further but iturned back to the coast and saw my bag about to be devoured by the incoming tide and decided it was time to catch the train. I arrived back in manchester some 4 hours later at 10.45 had a pint and headed home to a houseparty where no one had noticed my book just read my manifesto and thought Hmmm.

Hmmm. I had intended to type up the whole encounter the next day but time waits for no one and another half finished project sat on my floor. I then decided to box up the journals and send them away to an art pilanthropist together with a bottle of north sea I had collected, again its still on my floor, the sediment is at the bottom of the bottle, the tshirt has been worn once too often and i have began more projects but I wish to thank diddy for loving pink and showing me I love the north sea.

Borrusia

What's in a name you may ask. Well ask that question in the ear range of
Richard Head and his best friend Thomas Crapper and they will shout out at
you in an exhausted manner, "People call me Dick Head and its not funny" or
"People call me Toilet man" so not funny.

How do people with rude names cope especially when trying to order services
on the telephone were pranksterism has tarnished their names in the past. I
spoke with Amanda Hugmee a German lady who lives in Colchester.
"I vas trying to order a special bra from your Marks and Spencer, ven I
told zem my names they hung me up"
I rang Marks and Spencers press office to get their angle on this pow wow
kerpow but they hung the phone up on me. One of the few people I did not
expect to have a problem with this whole name game was big 6'8" Taiwanese
lady boy Sukmi Cok,
Sukmi explains. "I came England with my new husband David Furnish, we went
to get married and vicar say leave it till after ceremony, he thought blow
job but me Sukmi Cok long time so me used to funny thing Engrish
translated".
"It's not just people with rude names that suffer", chief epinolgist at
Cardiff University Blairsac Hunt explains, "people with the names of
celebrities suffer psychological damage and rejection that can manifest in
a number of ways firstly with low self esteem which then leads to
personality and sense of humour by passes, the purchase of bright clothes
and the bubbly fat bloke persona then begin to rise to the surface and it
then redoubles as people become put off that"

One of the worst instances on record at the university was that of Keith
Chegwin, forever tired of explaining his name as "no not that one" he
actually changed his name by deed pole to Hogwarts Chegwin von Bloomship
and later went on to marry Maggie Philbin who is a former wife of the real
Keith Chegwin.

The simple answer to all this is to change your name by deed pole, although
this is not always necessary, I spoke with Herbert Smythroat QC at his
chambers in London. "Changing your unusual name by deed is not always
necessary as long as you consistently use a name change and it is not for
fraudulent purposes, as an individual you have the right in law to be
called anything you want. A deed is just a declaration you will uphold and
use your new name consistently and it is handy for changing passports etc."

The thing with some off these stupid names is it's the parents of the
children who are ultimately responsible for atrocities such as Fatima
Whitbread, and Chips Chipping, this is all a sign of living in a free and
Unitarian state based on peace love and understanding and a flag unlike in
Germany where each state is run an a feudal system and the registrar has
the right to assassinate any children with an inappropriate name. Sepp
Beckenbaur explains. " I vanted to name my 2nd child after the legendary
Borussia Moenchengladbach line up of 1975 when I went to register the birth
The registrar took exception to this and executed my baby before I could
consider a change. Even at the funeral the registrar refused to allow me to call the
child Danner, Simonsen, Hensen, Heynckes, Voigts Bang argggh ze registrar is here he shot me in the face brrrrrrrr . . . ." Sepp hung up rather quickly but despite
this I thank the lord I have not been tarnished by this whole messy name
affair.

Hugh Briss for papercut

rejected by me

Old Silent Protest

Silent Protest
jamjam23 2003

Well I met Bill at an art event in Manchester. He was apparently about to do a runner so unalcoholed was he. Just before 5 he took down his wall framed pinklin burn poster explaining the whys and wherefores of silent protest together with his green baise mounted cards. The free wine and beer was all drunk people began to leave then without notice Bill walks back in grabs a bottle of water and departs out of the back. People began shifting away half trying to see what if anything was going to happen. Then at ten past six the lights went off and on and we assumed that was our call. Looking up I noticed it was bill. i then began to wonder if anyone actualy knew who bill was. My friend kept on asking me who he was, i said the old guy going bald a bit with a ruck sack. Apparently there were loads of people like that but I was keeping quiet, say he heard me and he thought I was a KLF fan.
At about 6.23 (this is an ex jamm) Bill reemerged with 5 large frames and placed them inward facing towards the wall. He then brought out a sturdy grey table and placed it next to me, seconds later he re-emerged with foolscap folders one entitled WALKS, with the folders placed down he bagan to manoever the table, further and further away from me. Then without hesitation he leaped onto his table shouting "shut up", and then commenced his talk, which started off with his realisation that he was the same age and probably had lots in common with tony blair, well culturaly possibly, he then digressed with his musings about paintings with a word a day. He leapt of his table and retreived a painting that simply said SILENCE in white on black with a yellow underline. He said from this dawned the idea for the silent protest cards. 54 unique cards with a slogan a day to keep the chatter away. He diverted his converstation to explain how easy it is to have ideas formulating around ideas when the original is not complete. He then ran to retreive his next painting which was black on white with the words THOU SHALT NOT KILL and how he felt this related to the bible and the number for loads in the bible is generally 40 (40 days and nights etc) so as he is a pot of paint graffiti man he would paint 40x40 of these messages in a pattern in a 40x40 grid 1600 times. He admitted he had not thought this through but the end result would be planting the painting on the gates of downing street sometime near november 17.
He briefly mentioned a project of walks based around super imposing the words SILENT PROTEST onto a map of london he confessed he was only up to E and was going to be doing the N tomorrow (24 jan).

He then returned to his main topic of the playing cards and showed a film he had made with Gimpo and John Hirst which was basically a close up of all the cards, there were some laughs at the rude ones and then we were done.
He cleared the tables and proceeded to sell his six quid cards. He was kind enough to give me the display case and also sign my blank card, it simply says "you are a twat and you smell love Bill x" (this was my request as I think he was begining to regret starting signing cards).
He could not answer my question as to why he did not have the playing card numbers on.

Some of the other works in the exhibition were also quite interesting, there were some striking images of middle american signs warmongering against saddam and ossama, A series of clocks with background designs and each series of clock telling the time in Bagdad New york london etc.
But to be perfectly frank there was not a lot. I guess I like Bills stuff because I am a fan of his art and particularily as it was anti any war weather that be in your bedroom nation or boardroom.
Remember silence is golden.

Silent Protest cards at a cost of 6uk pounds are available from
http://www.penkiln-burn.com/but don't expect a reply he is probably
already plotting his next move, try amazon.co.uk instead

Fish

You can imagine my horror as i walked into the bathroom and I could taste the heaviness of fish odours in the air. It isn't very often you want to vomit when you smell fish, I remembered loving to eat rollmop herrings as a child but now as I began to chunder, that thought was truly a distant memory. When the vomit was projecting from my mouth and my nose I did note, either conciously or subliminally that the smell had gone, I guess its good to rely on your own natural defence system after all.

Graham

It was a horrible night. June 5 1986. The rain hadn't stopped all day but things still had to be done. Graham was really pissed off, he knew he was the one who was responsable for stealing the car. The brief was something fast but nothing flashy. Graham thought about pinching the skoda sport but really knew he would get laughed at. After waiting nearly an hour he caught sight of an Alfa romeo. he knew in an instant it fitted the bill. The trouble with breaking into a car like this, Graham thought, is getting into it when it is locked and starting it without the keys. Graham was noted for his logical thinking. It proved to be quite pertinant as Graham was arrested after smashing the window of the alfa romeo with a big huge brick and the bank robbery that it was supposed to be used in never took place. So the rest of the gang all went to the pub and got steaming drunk instead, unfortunately the pubs air conditioning was broken and the y all contracted Legionaires deseace and died.

Fortunately this has nothing to do with this story, it was just a teaser, as that is how I wish it had happened, except the bit about Legionares disease, that was my bit of artistic licence.
What really happened is explained below.

It was a gorgeous evening, June 5 1986. The sun hadn't stopped shinning all day and nothing need ed tobe done. Graham was exstatic, he knew he was not resbobsible for stealing a car. he did not have to pinch a fast non descript car, he even thought, tonight I don't want to pinch a skoda sport not even for a laugh. Just then Graham caught sight of an Alfa romeo and Graham thought to himself hmmm...............

Phrases

Nige has banned me from using the following phrases as they make me sound a cunt.

Burn It
Ace
Duff Up
Wicked

I used to think I was quite street and urban but I realise it, ahem can make you sound like
a proper old man init.

Add lame phrases of your own if you are boredize like but
ya cant be a pooper chinny or i well bex ya wiv me spartz - alrie.Cheese

Film Pitches 1

In an utterly Alan Partidge moment of clarity I have decided
thsi is the medium to pitch all my great Ideas for motion pictures

Idea 1. Man - Chester
Dave Parsons told his mum he was gay, she said she knew all along but said it was probably best not to tell his father Marlon Parsons a vase designer brought up in rough working class stoke, he did anyway as he could not bare to hold it secret any longer and he got thrown out of the house.
His mum sent him some money and he set up home in Chester with a guy called Frank, they were just mates though.

Idea 2 Prom-adour
This ugly girl got invited to the prom off the captain of an american football team.
It was all meant as a joke, but it backfires and they fell in love for real. Everyone could see it was real
and no one told her about the joke as they looked so good together. They split up some weeks after though as he had got into college and the distance relationship was not working. Now cut to 10 years further forward. they are on the school reunion. They are dancing and there eyes meet, our american footballer tells ugly girl it was all a gag at first. Girl upset runs off. American footballer chases after her they row but end up having hard physical unprotected sex up against the school.
Cut forward 18 years the child from this sex up goes to his prom and invites an ugly girl to the prom......the film then loopes and can play indefinately till they are at school on the moon. Karl heinz Stockhausen can do the soundtrack

Idea 3 Sex down
Man meets girl falls in love with girl, gets drink in him and shags her best friend. They all fall out. The End
Perhaps someone has a tuma too.

Idea 4 London Blood Bath
Vampires swooped down and started to attack the streets of London, the army were sent in and they were all turned to vampires too, luckily this really hard bloke sorted them out (he is american and likes hockey). He had this girl scientist helping him and when she took her specs off and let her hair down she was quite nice looking, so the dood ended up boning her with his love spike but not before he had put a real spike through every bastard vampire in london town.

Idea 5 Shopping - The Movie a silent arthouse film with subtitles and shit
A woman in Hereford bought a pen from Martins newsagents, the woman selling it her gave it a little scribble to see if it was working, she also bought a lighter and she checked that and the next day she went and bought some eggs and she did the same, The woman made a mental note not to buy tampax from there.
I know what you are thinking "Its unfilmable" thats why I will only let Terry Gilliam or Guy Maddin direct it

I know what you are thinking

I am

Lolly Song

I got a lolly today
from the lady in the travel agents
she wanted to give me some lambrini too
i had a hangover so i said no thank you.

oooo oooo

I sucked on my swizzler
bop shoo wop
I sucked on swizzler
bom te bom
I sucked on my swizzler and the head fell off in my gob

I went to the restraunt
I ate some food.
I had a hangover so I was unintentionaly rude
my food tasted kak coz i still had the taste of the swizzle lolly round in my mouth

I sucked on my swizzler
bop shoo wop
I sucked on my swizzler
bom te bom
I sucked on my swizzler and the head fell off in my gob

So here is the moral
if you eat sweets
dont do them before a meal
unless the moral is never take sweets from travel agents I just dont know but

sucked on my swizzler
bop shoo wop
I sucked on my swizzler
bom te bom
I sucked on my swizzler and the head fell off in my gob

I did not want a holiday
but now I know
If I ever need free booze that its the place to go
lunn poly

Pen

What blue thing is in your hand.
A pen. You look so respectable with it.
Go to school. You are not a child. You are a VIP.
Let me be free. Write me down some stories.
Invent a new kind of badger. Draw a mop like in the shop
with all the buckets outside. In Scotland or Wales.
The Biro, The Biro is blue. Can you make the story new.
Go to school little man go to school.

What black thing is in your hand.
A Marker pen. You look like banksy if I new his gaze.
Go to college. pretend its work. You are a child.
Insignificant. Lock me up. Crayon me your life down.
Murder some badgers. Draw a mop like a raffier blade
from your sock with the legs inside. In England and Ireland.
The marker pen the marker pen is black. Can you make the picture perminant.
Go to college big man go to college

Bonkers

I have not said bonkers for ages.
Probably a wise thing. Might try saying it aloud later when I am on my own

Someday Sometime Soon

Sometimes, it all seems so wrong
Sometimes, time takes so long
Sometimes, I think life is grand
Sometimes, I have the chance to dance

Sometimes I feel the air I breathe
Sometimes I smell the scent of love
Sometimes I float along the sea
Sometimes I have the chance to dance

Sometimes I am Peter Parker
Sometimes I am even darker
Sometimes I am Bruce Wayne
Sometimes I dance naked in the rain

Sometimes I ruin the moment
Sometimes I wear skirts and dresses
Sometimes I feel feel your moisture
Sometines I have the chance to dance.

Sometimes I want you
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wish so hard I forget to say hello
Sometimes I forget that I can dance

Someday I will say I love you
Someday I will really mean it
Someday I will be the perfect me
Someday I will take your hand, and listen to the very sound
Someday we will dance and dance and dance

Someday when rainbows grow
Someday when fireworks explode
Someday when you look into my eyes
Someday there will be one more glint
Someday Sometime Soon

TV

Ok anyone else see a pattern
Channel 4,E4,More 4,ITV 4
BBC 4,Film Four,Film Four world

next the 4 king channel

Cancer

You can not make jokes about cancer, seriously look.
Susan Chaplington has Cancer.
See it is not funny even when I tell you I made it up.
(technically I only made the name bit up so it is not sick
as "some one" actually has cancer

True story about Coldplay

Coldplay played a gig and the crowd thought they had finnished, so the crowd applauded loudly, Coldplay left the stage, then Chris Martin realised that they had forgot to play Yellow so they came back on and did that, then went off again.

The weird thing was, they did the exact same thing the night before, aren't they stupid, I thought that they all went to university as well!