xmas 2013

5 days ago

Idea for xmas 2013

I will set it straight I am totally bah humbug when it comes to Christmas for various reasons, the main one being the fact that I have not been brought up in any religion let alone a Christian one. By not brought up, I mean (and this is illegal I believe) I did not attend a single Assembly, RE lesson or meeting where my elders closed their eyes and made wishes to gods. I was even booted out of the cubs on the first day for not doing the lords prayer.

However religion is not the be all and end all to Christmas and I understand the celebration of family and friends is important to some people and it overrides all the religious claptrap.

Now not being of a religion does not mean I have no morals, I can see from one step removed a lot of the tropes in the religious dogma’s trouted out is just moral guidance of how to be good wrapped up in a fairytale.

Which leads me back to Christmas, this is suddenly turned into a capitalist arms race, find a gift , receive a gift, but these gifts are just things, is an Ipad enough, is a Tie enough, the answer is probably no, yet we struggle through November and December bankrupting ourselves for a fleeting moment of happiness and then spend the early part of the following year skint.

Who benefits, well you feel good for buying the gifts, the recipient briefly feels good, but if you are really honest, it is the shops and the banks that benefit most.

The biggest waste at Christmas though is the gifts people call stocking fillers. You know the ones, they cost £10 and they sell them in the queue at Topshop and Next. Mini shot glasses sets, Knicker hankies, table tennis bat sized fly swats, Stylophone’s FFS Stylophones no one wants a Stylophone surely!

Well the idea is to do away with these stocking fillers and the answer of how is really easy.
Charity Shops.
For Christmas 2013 I urge all Secret Santa’s, gifts for in laws and cousins who you would normally spend less than £20 on, be bought from a charity shop….and with gift aid if you can.

Who gains.
You do, you will spend less money and enjoy the shopping experience
Charities do, your money will not go to the bottom line of a big store
The recipient does, plus, if they do not want it, they can always re-donate the gift they receive.

It is after all the thought that counts.

So who is in?

Oompa loompa fight

I am no detective but this Sunday morning it was easy to piece this crime scene together. It started with dropped wkd outside the kebab shop and escalated.

Ancoats

I was early for a shoot yesterday so had a wander.

I like urban decay for some reason, something about imagining what was there and peeling back layers. Am secretly amazed how retro floppy discs can look.

Ancoats

How I invented contact lenses.

Honestly I did invent contact lenses, but it was one of those accidents that happen all the time. It started with a fist fight. Bernard and me had been arguing about our new designs for cling film. I had insisted on making it magnified in order to make food look bigger. An aesthetic which I thought was a sure fire winner, Bernard on the other hand thought I was a cock.
Bernard you see was new in town and on an "I can do no wrong" high, having just developed rubber gloves that looked like the real gloves of a glamorous lady like Joan Collins, and not like something you would wash up with.
Anyway you have probably put two and two together already, what with me mentioning magnifying cling film and a fight, but you are wrong, I did not smash Bernard's face into my cling film and then attempt to gouge him and when I let go he could miraculously see without his glasses. That did not happen. What did happen was that Bernard, wearing his stupid rubber lady hand gloves could not get the magnified cling film off the roll, he called me a cock yet again so I grabbed the roll of cling film and smashed it in his stupid bespectacled face. His classes smashed in to several pieces and his nose gushed blood all over the worktop. Bernard then retaliated by punching me in the solar plexus whilst muttering that "hitting someone in glasses is below the belt".
This got me thinking and as I crunched my knee into his testicles I had a eureka moment, poly-methyl methacrylate could be made into a small lens in the eye. Then I really beat the shit out of Bernard. Bernard is a pussy. Bernard went on to invent high heel flip flops. I won the nobel prize for chemistry. Bernard works in the R&D department at JML. Who is a cock now Bernard.

sun seagul

The wave caught me out, as it crashed onto my toes and its ice coldness crept up my leg. It had never happened before, I am normally agile on the beach, and can easily out manoeuvre a wave. I believe I believe the shock of it all contributed to me droping my i-pod. I tell you this as it was the last thing I recall before the seagull flew into my ear deafening me for life.

Police cut backs

Not complaining as the heli-chopper the cops use at night is super loud, but a stealthy airship for patrols has got to be a wind up.

I kid you not, a police blimp, click photo to enlarge

Reading list

The worlds most specific book,
unfortunately does not cover Taiwan., or it would sell like hot Geoff Capes.

Squarial

This is one of the houses that backs on to mine,
It is 2009 and yes that is a squarial.

Aye its gone

The b of the bangs last legs.

Who writes this.

Its all gold. why has this guy not got his own show. What if we all looked like the no profile shot ha i would never ever think of that it is almost the opposite of reality.

What in the heck

Is that. A tank on stilts with flags on? All i know is i had to wait while they moved it out of my way.

I am still twelve at heart.

Taking pictures of statues winkles because i still think it is funny.

I want to stay here

Its a hotel that looks like it is 1961. I imagine a velvet seated bar and hard beds made out of wood.

I can bullshit like the best of them.

But the quote in this trade mag made me spit out my tea.

I can bullshit like the best of them.

But the quote in this trade mag made me spit out my tea.

It is sad

But lets face it the thing was a bit crap and not that big.

Someone was

Having a laugh this morning.

Someone was

Having a laugh this morning.

I read the book first

Doubt the film will live up to it

Random pause

Jack lies down and remembers there is dog poo on the floor.

Disk lex sick

Joy division fans?

Alan needs a poo

Random pause shows sir alan pushing one out.

Cleaning out my trash

I found this, it is equally disturbing and strange on many levels.
Nazis, clearly no good, but on a donkey with a wooden gun?

---------------------------------------

Having thought about this a bit, I guess it is the equivalent of scallies trying to look hard on a bike that is too small for them.

Crap

I keep buying seventees glass. Because its in the box. I bring it home check ebay and find it is only worth the two pounds i paid for it. Drat.

The boy who lost his laugh

I remember this as a kid, the soundtrack is ace, you don't need to understand German to understand the weirdness. "The Baron" bought the kids laughter (probably for a million marks)
and this is the moment Timm got it back, by witnessing some classic slapstick. Heart-warming.
This program always reminds me of Kevin Keegan too.

I hate

Too many haters

Made up facts probably

The Tie was invented in 1674 by Bernard Pressbilger but did not become fashionable until Queen Victoria's son Albert wore one at the Bentley Club opening in 1883.

The Big Sleep was written by Raymond Chandler on a Hummingbird typewriter.

It is horrible being in love when you are between the ages of 8 and 9.













It is legal to conceal a weapon in your sock in Carmel California, however shoulder holsters are illegal.

You can kill crossbow makers if you are Welsh

Canon cameras originally used a "Pulitzer" lens hence the name Pulitzer Prize.

Pelican crossings have a tactile machine underneath the operating unit that the deaf/blind can use by twisting. When the signal changes it spins round telling the deaf/blind it is suitable to cross.

A bee sting caused Salvador Dali to hallucinate the lobster phone.

















Dorris Day is alive.

Sting is named Sting as other members of the group said his face would Sting after they beat him up and piss on him.

8/10 people who make tea wonder if they could re-use old bags

VAT is payable on belts wider than 4cm as they are considered Adult rather than Childrens clothing.

The average child can speak 16 languages.

Vicars uniform as well as the dog collar, black shirt and slacks also includes Banana yellow Y fronts

Cricket the sport is named after cricket lighters that WG Grace used to light his cigars.

Bic lighters are names after the Pens.

Bic Razors are named after the lighters.

Bicycle couriers became popular during the Cuban missile crisis for passing documents between Washington government departments as Communists can not ride bikes.

Oranges Apples and Mangoes are all part of the bear family.

If you want clear ice cubes use twice boiled water.

Kylie Minogue is a trained mechanic.

Timbaland appeared in the last episode of cheers as an extra using his real name Timothy Mosely.

Up till the early 1990's it was fashionable to wear timepieces on your wrist rather than just using a mobile phone.

It is impossible to move your legs clockwise whilst patting the match of the day theme onto tour torso.

I prefer paul

He was taller

You wanna see some puppies.

Woof woof

hmmm

I am sat with a northern comic

He is not funny and i dont know who he is. His mobile has three 69 s on it and he is talking live at her majesty variety and sea side special. He likes frankie boyle though.

Does this really need comment

I like spotting head the balls on tv. This one was on ramsey kitchen nightmares.

Oliver

Lazy firemen.

They made me walk the long way to town and then i found they were not even holding their own hoses. Probably off playing pool somewhere or posing for a calendar.

This and that

The ultimate curry. The ultimate gift.

there is a monkey in our bed

April and the Ass-kicking Bambi Assassins Part 3 Excerpt

Something extra was needed, the ass kicking bambi assassins had been defeated again.
They had tried to stage a revolution overtaking the enchanted forest by uniting with the red squirrel army.
April was livid as a new coalition between the grey squirrels and the badgers had taken the north field.

It split the Bambi assassins down the middle, especially as the badgers had been instrumental in the destruction
of the horsefly army when they attempted to infiltrate the bees, dressed as hornets.
The geopolitics of the forest would strain anybody and April and the ass kicking bambi assassins looked to be
going their separate ways. However the forest can sometimes deliver a miracle and this happened again this morning,
a new animal waded into battle, the mighty boar of boaccus, the wildest most feral animal killer in the entire animal world had arrived in the enchanted forest and would agree to fight cheek by jowl with april and the ass kicking bambi assassins and the red squirrel army in return for full mushroom rights. Slaughter of the badgers and the grey squirrels was imminent.
The north field would be reclaimed, and then the boar of boaccus would be slaughtered as the mushrooms belong to April.

Ha ha

Even fire engines are getting stuck now