hmmm

I am sat with a northern comic

He is not funny and i dont know who he is. His mobile has three 69 s on it and he is talking live at her majesty variety and sea side special. He likes frankie boyle though.

Does this really need comment

I like spotting head the balls on tv. This one was on ramsey kitchen nightmares.

Oliver

Lazy firemen.

They made me walk the long way to town and then i found they were not even holding their own hoses. Probably off playing pool somewhere or posing for a calendar.

This and that

The ultimate curry. The ultimate gift.

there is a monkey in our bed

April and the Ass-kicking Bambi Assassins Part 3 Excerpt

Something extra was needed, the ass kicking bambi assassins had been defeated again.
They had tried to stage a revolution overtaking the enchanted forest by uniting with the red squirrel army.
April was livid as a new coalition between the grey squirrels and the badgers had taken the north field.

It split the Bambi assassins down the middle, especially as the badgers had been instrumental in the destruction
of the horsefly army when they attempted to infiltrate the bees, dressed as hornets.
The geopolitics of the forest would strain anybody and April and the ass kicking bambi assassins looked to be
going their separate ways. However the forest can sometimes deliver a miracle and this happened again this morning,
a new animal waded into battle, the mighty boar of boaccus, the wildest most feral animal killer in the entire animal world had arrived in the enchanted forest and would agree to fight cheek by jowl with april and the ass kicking bambi assassins and the red squirrel army in return for full mushroom rights. Slaughter of the badgers and the grey squirrels was imminent.
The north field would be reclaimed, and then the boar of boaccus would be slaughtered as the mushrooms belong to April.

Ha ha

Even fire engines are getting stuck now

Pun tastic

Possibly the worst play on words i have ever seen.

Hello world

I am martha the kitten. I like jazz and clasical and hiding in corners.

Idiot

There is no way gig pictures on your mobile come out.

Yet people still persevere and all you get is nowt.

our lovely new sideboard

now cue the chas and dave song
not bad for 53 quid delivered.

The kids are cool daddy o

In this age of hip hop the internet and youth culture no longer the sole preserve of the young it is great to see the almost intuitive connection this sign conveys with our angry and bored youth.

Bustia Buzon

The ultimate porn name, or just a short lady with a very low letter box.

Meaty beaty and bouncy

Farmers eh, who says we city folk do not understand them, here is something they do for fun.

Sex lantern

Sorry but can not resist such obvious gags.

Chicken

Ingredients
1x Chicken 4lbs
1x Onion
1x Apple
1x Grape
1x Damson
23 Sultanas.

Carefully peel chicken and place in frying pan.
Fry on a low heat for 12 minutes ensuring the skin
is browned.

Place the onion and all the fruit except for 5 sultanas into the carcass of the chicken and
place in a pan of boiling salted water.
Cover the pan with a lid and place the sultanas on top and boil for twenty five minutes.

Use the warm sultanas from the lid to dress the chicken and the excess water from the pan
will make an excellent cocktail or fruit and meat punch ingredient.

No no no

I suppose if you are going to get fucked up all day you might as well look the part.

Just a reminder

Three is the magic number.

Temptation

The toilet floor reminded me of the sleeve to temptation by new order.

Test

From the phone

Strawberry

Giant ocean strawberry tasted like metal chewing plaster

what is it?

I wait.
I cup my ears.
I can not hear a noise.
It is coming,
It sounds like the sea, maybe.

I wait some more.
I am still wondering what it is.
So I stop and move on

Sky sports

I like to take pictures of weird looking fellows on sky sports news

10 reasons Why Nic Cage irks me

10 reasons Why Nic Cage irks me








1. He called his son Kal-el
2. His real name is Copolla, draw your own inferences
3. Nick Cave has a genius, Nick Cage's name is too similar
4. He buys castles
5. Is such an elvis fan he married his daughter, after wacko jacko (it lasted 4 months)
6. I am realising I do not know the man so am struggling really, perhaps it is his face that offends me so, and his thin hair, and his poor choice in films, maybe it is his one dimensional acting, but he just gets on my tits even in films I like, and part of me can not quite fathom how he gets to make more.
7. I will skip to 10 as these are the real reasons.
8
9
10. He made the following films that were shit.
(I was generous, I removed Raizing Arizona. wild at heart, fast times at ridgemont high, Rumble Fish,Peggy Sue got Married, Snake Eyes and of course Con Air and The Rock but left in adaptation as he ruined it for me)

1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007) .... Ben Gates
2. Next (2007) .... Cris Johnson
3. Grindhouse (2007) .... Fu Manchu (segment "Werewolf Women of the SS")
4. Ghost Rider (2007) .... Johnny Blaze / Ghost Rider
   ... aka Spirited Racer (Philippines: English title: review title)
5. The Wicker Man (2006) .... Edward Malus
6. World Trade Center (2006) .... John McLoughlin
7. The Ant Bully (2006) (voice) .... Zoc
8. The Weather Man (2005) .... David Spritz
9. Lord of War (2005) .... Yuri Orlov
10. National Treasure (2004) .... Ben Gates
    ... aka Sonomo (Philippines: English title: review title)
11. Matchstick Men (2003) .... Roy Waller
12. Adaptation. (2002) .... Charlie Kaufman / Donald Kaufman
13. Sonny (2002) .... Acid Yellow
14. Windtalkers (2002) .... Sergeant Joe Enders
15. Christmas Carol: The Movie (2001) (voice) .... Jacob Marley
    ... aka Weihnachtsmärchen, Ein (Germany)
16. Captain Corelli's Mandolin (2001) .... Captain Antonio Corelli
    ... aka Capitaine Corelli (France)
17. The Family Man (2000) .... Jack Campbell
18. Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000) .... Randall 'Memphis' Raines
    
    
19. Bringing Out the Dead (1999) .... Frank Pierce
20. 8MM (1999) .... Tom Welles
    ... aka 8mm - Acht Millimeter (Germany)
21. 
    
22. City of Angels (1998) .... Seth
    ... aka Stadt der Engel (Germany)
23. Face/Off (1997) .... Castor Troy / Sean Archer
    ... aka Face Off
24. Leaving Las Vegas (1995) .... Ben Sanderson
    ... aka Leaving Las Vegas (France)
25. Kiss of Death (1995/I) .... Little Junior Brown
26. Trapped in Paradise (1994) .... Bill Firpo
27. It Could Happen to You (1994) .... Charlie Lang
28. Guarding Tess (1994) .... Doug Chesnic
29. Amos & Andrew (1993) .... Amos Odell
30. Deadfall (1993) .... Eddie
31. Honeymoon in Vegas (1992) .... Jack Singer
32. Red Rock West (1992) .... Michael Williams
33. Tempo di uccidere (1991) .... Enrico Silvestri
    ... aka Raccourci, Le (France)
    ... aka The Short Cut
    ... aka Time to Kill
34. Zandalee (1991) .... Johnny Collins
35. 
    
36. Fire Birds (1990) .... Jake Preston
    ... aka Wings of the Apache
37. Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream of the Broken Hearted (1990) (TV) .... Heartbreaker
    
    
38. Vampire's Kiss (1989) .... Peter Loew
39. Never on Tuesday (1988) (uncredited) .... Man in Red Sports Car
40. Moonstruck (1987) .... Ronny Cammareri
41. The Boy in Blue (1986) .... Ned Hanlan
    ... aka Race des champions, La (Canada: French title)
42. Birdy (1984) .... Sergeant Al Columbato
43. The Cotton Club (1984) .... Vincent Dwyer
44. Racing with the Moon (1984) .... Nicky/Bud
45. 
    
46. Valley Girl (1983) .... Randy
    ... aka Bad Boyz
    ... aka College Lovers (Philippines: English title)
    ... aka Rebel Dreams (video title)
47. 
    
48. Best of Times (1981) (TV) .... Nicholas

source IMDB

Old Myspace Blog 2

For Dean Gaffney





All those arms making super noodles
Struggling with the packet
opening them and putting them in a pan
boiling the water.
Would they not be better just searching for that thing called love?

Old Myspace Blog 1

You know that dood off short circuit 1 + 2
the indian guy ben jabituya or ben jahvri as his name changes in the sequel?

Do you ever wonder why you don't see him any more?



well wonder no more as this is a picture of him without the dark make up on.





Hmmm.

PS if you think I am a bit sad digging this up, I would refer you
to the too much effort put in really http://www.johnny-five.com
where I found the cowboy picture.

Sleep Peril

Got to get up,
I cant move.

I am paralysed, I am terrified. I shake and shake with all my might.



I finally awaken.
I am not awake though my mind was playing tricks.
I am still paralysed, I shake again with all my might, I think I am awake this time,
but my mind is playing tricks as I am also dreaming at the same time but not real dreams,
just a multitude of random thoughts, petrol stations, circus acts, a book I have never read, I try and read in my dream and it hurts my head and I want to go to sleep, but I am asleep, I cant move, I try to shake myself awake. It seems like hours are passing, I know it is only seconds.
I manage to finally awaken, and I am definitely awake now as I am sat up.
I am tired so I go back to sleep relieved it is all over, I relax.

I am paralysed again, I shake myself awake, I am caught again between the dreamworld and awakenness, I grab my mobile and shine its torch into my eye in a desperate attempt to keep me awake. I am up, I am definitely awake but I am still dreaming, I am imagining I am going to the loo, I am not of course and the light in my eye is annoying me.

I have to stay awake for an hour, I turn on the TV and focus on Nightwatch with Steve Scott and flick through to the late night quizzes, I am anxious but I eventually drift off, then the whole thing happens again, but I am a bit more wise to it, so I manage to wake up properly each time or at least I think I do, but really I am just repeating the same steps.

It's six am and I am not tired, work is in an hour and a half.

I toss and turn and finally get some sleep at about 6.30, my alarm goes off at 7.03 and I am fast asleep, tired and red eyed.

carl through the looking glass and other wrong uns

Carla through the looking glass
Thadius and the amazing technicolour dreamcoat.
Mr Jones Jim goes to Hollywood
Rita Sue and Dave Too
Jerry Mnemonic

Hamburger and Chips

It was sometime in 1991, Altern 8 were playing a gig out of the back of a pick up truck in some dreary wintry late night car park near Stafford. A heavy scent of vicks vaporub was in the air cascading up my nostrils like an annoying hungry mint mouse had been let loose. Crouching down I could feel warmth, looking up I could feel only cold. I felt a tug on my braces, It was my friend Clarkey, he was off his face and disappeared an hour ago as he believed Nipper was DJing at the other side of the car park.
"Hamburger and Chips" he said holding up a signed photo of Dance Energy presenter Normski.
"what" I replied somewhat narkily as anyone who has tried to converse with the ripped to the tits can empathise with.

"Hamburger and Chips, Dance music man, Like I met Normski and I said to him, Dance music is like Hamburger and Chips, Its like British - chips and American - Hamburger and when you have them together its like Hamburger and Chips - or house music, like we are in Stafford listening to Chicago house from stoke, Hamburger and Chips, Normski flipped out man"

"Oh OK" I said "Dempsey and Makepeace"

"No man" replied Clarkey "you don't fucking understand me man"

One man show

I will be performing my one man poetry show,
"say goodbye to the otters dean gaffney"
at the library theatre in november.
here is an excerpt...

The Otters, a photo hidden
The first the last my everything playing silently. Original
Tuff wine glass lamp.
Camera ear bud wallet council tax.
A cd A Cd a dvd
A rose
or at least a red flower with power from the floor.
I see with my laser goggle through sky.
I pods in case and shades of blue light.
and the letters of the alphabet half hidden from view.
Will the mouse eat them up.
Do you want two types of revenge
Or will the dust settle.

The End


Or, is it possible to stick your own head up your arse in the name of "art".

Or what does your computer look like?

Not one to say do you remember but..

I always have a vague memory of the boy who sold his laughter, everytime i mentioned it people looked blank. I used to think the theme was ace, and the story was off its tits and really badly dubbed and it used to make germany look very cool, green police cars, better sportswear and all that.

Well I used to occasionally google it and come up blank.
That is until my girlfriend started singing the little mouse with clogs on song, so as a treat I looked for the MP3 of the proper song, A windmill in old amsterdam by Ronnie Hilton.

Looking I stumbled accross this site

http://my.opera.com/xyzcosmonaut/blog/?startidx=510

which not only had links to download this song on some kiddies song album, but also an extensive set of links to other cheesy kids music including the star wars christmas album feat a young Jon Bon Jovi singing with R2D2 and
the music to Timm Thaler, the boy who sold his laughter. Now normally I am disappointed by my memories, I could never afford the right clothes, my parents had no car, I was allways the sub and never the star player etc etc, but not this time, my memory remembered a good one and the music is as haunting and scary and mysteriously german as it was in my imagination.
ow to hunt down the dvd at the right price.
Yay! A Quest

More 70's Throwbacks

70's throwbacks continue with this white dog shit I found on the pavement. Does anybody remember the 70's they had sweets like pacers and childrens tv etc. benny hill ha ha etc. they used to put ash in the dog food etc.....I am a bore and my brian is small.

Is it the full stops.
no,
Is it the commas.
No
Well fuck you

Northern Quarter reveals

They are doing up the northern quarter, every time they renovate an old building it reveals a secret. I found a poster for top flight wreste mania, wont be there long.

Bank

2007 Ok so it is a non descript year. In fact it's the type of year to make you give up resolutions. Yet, Something strange is afoot. Have you seen it. Up and down every high street in the land. It's not those swishy new LED "Open" signs that you see everywhere, god that would be me beating myself up, no it's different. It is not the DFS sale now entering its 15th year of people without socks draping themselves over shoddily built 3 piece suits, nor is it the vague sexual threat of the eastenders spandau ballet dood asking us to get down on it with vague menace at SCS, that would be normal early year fare, nor is the strange shebang this shit winter, I mean shit as in, no snow, no ice, no falling over, no ruining shoes with that white line that you hope is salt, ,no old people dying, no cold just annoying amounts of rain, and not even cold rain, shit rain, wet rain, that wont stop, ever, that means you have to invent new terms for the rain like Druke.

No the strange afoot, if that is indeed an adjective (help I am a foot...does not work)is a new kind of sale. From banks. Yes read that back again, no not for the poor I want to fuck Lynne Truss I hope she notices me i am a bad boy, style grammar of having a sentence that says "From banks." No the weirdness is the fact that I am writing about a
Sale. now. on. at. HSBC....Barclays, Nat West or whatever. HSBC are even saying its a green sale.

Now don't get me wrong, I would be one of those twats you see running into Harrods with his elbows out having camped over since christmas eve, ready for the first sale, if those crazy banks had £10 notes going for £7 quid but that can't be right, I mean the printing the advertising the whole notion of a loss leader to get customers through the doors does not work at banks, so I beg, what the fuck is going on.

Well they want your debt the banks, that's why they give you so much cash, the cunts, unless you are poor, then you can fuck off and we will charge you to everytime you go 1p overdrawn in the morning as you needed some electricity and your giro was due in the afternoon.
Well fine the banks are cunts, that's why it takes 10 days for anything to clear, and people are striking back now by taking them to court over their extortionate charges for more on this look at http://www.bankactiongroup.co.uk/.
So they now have to pursue the stupid people hell for leather. The banks are like Vegas, you might be able to hit them for a few quid, and if you do they will treat you like a king until you fuck up then you are theirs, the house wins, so next time you walk past one and you see a Sale sign, and even if they say they will plant a tree, if you get a loan to buy a fucking giant motorised mince pie or whatever you want to piss your money on, bear this in mind. It is a bank, they are having a sale on, jesus that's wrong, I mean in my day they tried to get me hooked by giving me a sports bag some stickers, a special bank themed version of number one magazine and a Halo James cassette, yes I too was stupid so smell the roses, and be a little smart arse like me and see beyond the advertising.

All those arms

All those arms making super noodles
Strugling with the packet
opening them and putting them in a pan
boiling the water.
Would they not be better just searching for that thing called love?

What a plank the world cup turns you into.

Earlier this year i seriously thought about writing a world cup song.
I aborted it after the first draught, just re read it, and it seems bizarrely optimistic.

You've got to run away
It's time to turn the other cheek
The guys that start the fires, are always the first to leave
but this year I do believe.

They say there's no surrender
but they do not speak for you or me
we have the lion on our sleeve
and this year, yes, I do believe

Chorus
I believe in engerland
I believe in having fun
I believe in 4 4 2
I believe in loving you

Todays our shining day
for the engerland are away
on the summer of their lives
and not like in footballer wives

Chorus
I believe in engerland
I believe in having fun
I believe in 4 4 2
I believe in loving you

so when it comes to the nity grity
Sven don't say its a pity
say your boys done us proud
and sing for the engerland loud

Chorus
I believe in engerland
I believe in having fun
I believe in 4 4 2
I believe in loving you

I exagerate

Bez,
I say Bez, the truth is this,
I was walking through town, down a side street, headphones on maximum,
on the verge of nearly singing when from nowhere this Silver Beetle
screams past with its stereo pumping. I noticed the driver was Bez,
the mondays version of Cressa, anyway I nearly jumped out of my skin.
End of story.

It was not the end of the story though, as I walked along the backstreet with its narrow pavements it became, "That man is a cock, if I had stood in the road
he could have run me over" so when I recounted the story to my girlfriend later that evening it was not, I jumped out of my skin when a car came past, it became Bez tried to run me over. Now I am not a liar, so I rephrased it and explained the whole thing again where he just made me jump.

Fast forward a day or two, I am walking down the same alleyway with headphones on full blast, nearly singing along and there is some wet cardboard on the floor, it looks like it smells of piss, so I walk on the road briefly, In my head I get a vision of Bez coming up behind me, beeping his horn. I start to think what an absolute cunt Bez is, and I decide that if indeed that did happed I would give him the finger and call him a cunt. In fact I was sure that is what I would do as he drives like a goon.

I get to the bus stop and I am still angry with him and replay the imagined incedent in my head, and decide that I might actualy get a bit nervous calling him a cunt, it's not exactly Dorothy Parker, so I decide instead that I should call him a yanky toothed bastard, as he has just had a tooth job, but he might not get that, so I resigned myself to calling him, tooth cunt, not ellegant but to the point.

I then got on the bus and thought hang on, this never happened, i just had a two minute bit of anger for something that never happened, and you know whose fault it is, yes, Bez's for nearly running me over the yanky toothed cunt.

X factor

The x factor is a pile of shit, I am skint at the moment so have spent a few saturday evenings in, signing this petition will hopefully help those big wigs over at ITV1 to improve it.

Yes a Sigur Ros themed X Factor.

Its Genius all the singers can warble till their harts are content.

Sign the petition at

http://www.petitiononline.com/jamjam23/petition.html

Cheers

Aborted Projects

John Box needs a rucksack

Terry and Juniper

Snacktime for Josie

Many a mickle makes a spaceman

Batmobiles and Bassoons a history

The Guinness book of world Cd's

The upside down philatelist

Fatal Embalmer

Shrub Equaliser

Sprig Sprogs Spring roll Show

Abbey hey zoo watch

Fireworks over Cleethorpes

A fistful of air bricks

Sparrow my aunt

Juicy mints hobby house

Railway dreams for pinky

Jelly Whiskey

A bigger room than I imagined

Chislehurst woodchippers chisel show

Brown brick hat veranda

Sky Pen and Bob Racket do Derby

Last of the supervalue wine

Coolio and Julio
Coolio and Julio Isglasias solve crimes with hip hop rhymes blunts and lovin'

a do do do a da da da thats all i want to say to you

The most offensive thing I could do.
I had to do.
Rhyme do with do
but why do.

I said I had to do do
but I did not have to do do
I think I wanted to do do
As I know you should not do do

It makes this poem do do
doing this do
by over using do
its just not to do.

so if you are doing a speech at a do
or explaining that a verb is to do
here is what to do....
know there is no such thing as the right thing to do.

Then you are done

I went to London on Friday

It was shit.

Drunken Rant - Shops

I got drunk and started talking to my computer.
Sorry

Thank you JD, I have grown emotionaly and I think I love you all lets all hug

Thank You JD

I like Scrubbs. Its funny, it dont give a shit. It is sureal and nasty, kooky and crazy, but why oh my lord why do I hate it so much. There is a simple answer, the program is about 25 minutes long and it is not scared of showing its characters as nasty self absorbed w@ankers, all that matters is the jokes keep coming even if it does involve the death of a nice character or incompetence by one of the leads, yes hooray well done America you get what is funny and you are brave enough to do it, thats what is funny etc.

You have probably twigged by now that something is wrong here, yes one of the funniest, even in its predictability, sitcoms of the last few years always ruins its self in the last five minutes. To the extent that my girlfriend has banned me from watching it as she says I always tutt and shout at the tv in the last 5 minutes and am then in a bad mood for ten minutes afterwards. Yes those sacharine family valued and moral messages about doin the right thing, straight from the huxtables in the cosby show, get slammed down my face and I want something i never wanted from the cosby show, I want all these charactres to die. A voiceover by JD while playing all the characters in slow motion realising the error of their ways and how to improve as people to a soundtrack by fiona apple is shit, shit, shit, and all i want for the last 5 minutes is for all the characters to realise the important things in life, like getting a suicide club together, buying a malfuntioning grenade to share at a party, walking under a ladder near the zoo after the monkeys have discarded their bananas on the floor whilst drunk on pernod or drowning in smug juice. Argghhhh! Just something to make them dead or shut up.

This is why the american version of the office is the best american sitcom on TV.

Things that I think are the same but aren't

Just a quick list

The Theme to Superman and The Theme from Star Wars
(hum one then the other...its hard isn't it)
Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio
U2 and Coldplay
People with Downs Syndrome
Butlins and Pontins
Every Hollywood comedy film I have seen this year (not funny and cue the emotion its fix you by coldplay)
New Labour and Camerons Tory's
local news
the mail and the express
toilet rolls
tetleys tea and beer
double and king size
tunnocks tea cakes and tea cakes
a harp and a harpsichord
pat nevin and hue & cry
deaf and blind people
hamsters and guinea pigs
Philippa Forester and Sophie Aldred
Diet coke and coke zero
Diet Pepsi and Pepsi Max (see above)
Phil Jupitus and Kevin Davies
Tie Rack and the sock shop
newcastle upon tyne and newcastle on lyme
betty boop and betty boo
Robbie from eastenders and tyrone from coronation street
ships and yaughts
rap and hip hop
hale and pace
newspapers weekend magazines
metal bands
porn and erotica
Scissor sisters and Leo Sayer
buses and coaches
poems and short stories
wires
debit card and credit cards
pornography and art
pants and trousers
terrorism and war
add your own