10 reasons Why Nic Cage irks me

10 reasons Why Nic Cage irks me








1. He called his son Kal-el
2. His real name is Copolla, draw your own inferences
3. Nick Cave has a genius, Nick Cage's name is too similar
4. He buys castles
5. Is such an elvis fan he married his daughter, after wacko jacko (it lasted 4 months)
6. I am realising I do not know the man so am struggling really, perhaps it is his face that offends me so, and his thin hair, and his poor choice in films, maybe it is his one dimensional acting, but he just gets on my tits even in films I like, and part of me can not quite fathom how he gets to make more.
7. I will skip to 10 as these are the real reasons.
8
9
10. He made the following films that were shit.
(I was generous, I removed Raizing Arizona. wild at heart, fast times at ridgemont high, Rumble Fish,Peggy Sue got Married, Snake Eyes and of course Con Air and The Rock but left in adaptation as he ruined it for me)

1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007) .... Ben Gates
2. Next (2007) .... Cris Johnson
3. Grindhouse (2007) .... Fu Manchu (segment "Werewolf Women of the SS")
4. Ghost Rider (2007) .... Johnny Blaze / Ghost Rider
   ... aka Spirited Racer (Philippines: English title: review title)
5. The Wicker Man (2006) .... Edward Malus
6. World Trade Center (2006) .... John McLoughlin
7. The Ant Bully (2006) (voice) .... Zoc
8. The Weather Man (2005) .... David Spritz
9. Lord of War (2005) .... Yuri Orlov
10. National Treasure (2004) .... Ben Gates
    ... aka Sonomo (Philippines: English title: review title)
11. Matchstick Men (2003) .... Roy Waller
12. Adaptation. (2002) .... Charlie Kaufman / Donald Kaufman
13. Sonny (2002) .... Acid Yellow
14. Windtalkers (2002) .... Sergeant Joe Enders
15. Christmas Carol: The Movie (2001) (voice) .... Jacob Marley
    ... aka Weihnachtsmärchen, Ein (Germany)
16. Captain Corelli's Mandolin (2001) .... Captain Antonio Corelli
    ... aka Capitaine Corelli (France)
17. The Family Man (2000) .... Jack Campbell
18. Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000) .... Randall 'Memphis' Raines
    
    
19. Bringing Out the Dead (1999) .... Frank Pierce
20. 8MM (1999) .... Tom Welles
    ... aka 8mm - Acht Millimeter (Germany)
21. 
    
22. City of Angels (1998) .... Seth
    ... aka Stadt der Engel (Germany)
23. Face/Off (1997) .... Castor Troy / Sean Archer
    ... aka Face Off
24. Leaving Las Vegas (1995) .... Ben Sanderson
    ... aka Leaving Las Vegas (France)
25. Kiss of Death (1995/I) .... Little Junior Brown
26. Trapped in Paradise (1994) .... Bill Firpo
27. It Could Happen to You (1994) .... Charlie Lang
28. Guarding Tess (1994) .... Doug Chesnic
29. Amos & Andrew (1993) .... Amos Odell
30. Deadfall (1993) .... Eddie
31. Honeymoon in Vegas (1992) .... Jack Singer
32. Red Rock West (1992) .... Michael Williams
33. Tempo di uccidere (1991) .... Enrico Silvestri
    ... aka Raccourci, Le (France)
    ... aka The Short Cut
    ... aka Time to Kill
34. Zandalee (1991) .... Johnny Collins
35. 
    
36. Fire Birds (1990) .... Jake Preston
    ... aka Wings of the Apache
37. Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream of the Broken Hearted (1990) (TV) .... Heartbreaker
    
    
38. Vampire's Kiss (1989) .... Peter Loew
39. Never on Tuesday (1988) (uncredited) .... Man in Red Sports Car
40. Moonstruck (1987) .... Ronny Cammareri
41. The Boy in Blue (1986) .... Ned Hanlan
    ... aka Race des champions, La (Canada: French title)
42. Birdy (1984) .... Sergeant Al Columbato
43. The Cotton Club (1984) .... Vincent Dwyer
44. Racing with the Moon (1984) .... Nicky/Bud
45. 
    
46. Valley Girl (1983) .... Randy
    ... aka Bad Boyz
    ... aka College Lovers (Philippines: English title)
    ... aka Rebel Dreams (video title)
47. 
    
48. Best of Times (1981) (TV) .... Nicholas

source IMDB

Old Myspace Blog 2

For Dean Gaffney





All those arms making super noodles
Struggling with the packet
opening them and putting them in a pan
boiling the water.
Would they not be better just searching for that thing called love?

Old Myspace Blog 1

You know that dood off short circuit 1 + 2
the indian guy ben jabituya or ben jahvri as his name changes in the sequel?

Do you ever wonder why you don't see him any more?



well wonder no more as this is a picture of him without the dark make up on.





Hmmm.

PS if you think I am a bit sad digging this up, I would refer you
to the too much effort put in really http://www.johnny-five.com
where I found the cowboy picture.

Sleep Peril

Got to get up,
I cant move.

I am paralysed, I am terrified. I shake and shake with all my might.



I finally awaken.
I am not awake though my mind was playing tricks.
I am still paralysed, I shake again with all my might, I think I am awake this time,
but my mind is playing tricks as I am also dreaming at the same time but not real dreams,
just a multitude of random thoughts, petrol stations, circus acts, a book I have never read, I try and read in my dream and it hurts my head and I want to go to sleep, but I am asleep, I cant move, I try to shake myself awake. It seems like hours are passing, I know it is only seconds.
I manage to finally awaken, and I am definitely awake now as I am sat up.
I am tired so I go back to sleep relieved it is all over, I relax.

I am paralysed again, I shake myself awake, I am caught again between the dreamworld and awakenness, I grab my mobile and shine its torch into my eye in a desperate attempt to keep me awake. I am up, I am definitely awake but I am still dreaming, I am imagining I am going to the loo, I am not of course and the light in my eye is annoying me.

I have to stay awake for an hour, I turn on the TV and focus on Nightwatch with Steve Scott and flick through to the late night quizzes, I am anxious but I eventually drift off, then the whole thing happens again, but I am a bit more wise to it, so I manage to wake up properly each time or at least I think I do, but really I am just repeating the same steps.

It's six am and I am not tired, work is in an hour and a half.

I toss and turn and finally get some sleep at about 6.30, my alarm goes off at 7.03 and I am fast asleep, tired and red eyed.

carl through the looking glass and other wrong uns

Carla through the looking glass
Thadius and the amazing technicolour dreamcoat.
Mr Jones Jim goes to Hollywood
Rita Sue and Dave Too
Jerry Mnemonic

Hamburger and Chips

It was sometime in 1991, Altern 8 were playing a gig out of the back of a pick up truck in some dreary wintry late night car park near Stafford. A heavy scent of vicks vaporub was in the air cascading up my nostrils like an annoying hungry mint mouse had been let loose. Crouching down I could feel warmth, looking up I could feel only cold. I felt a tug on my braces, It was my friend Clarkey, he was off his face and disappeared an hour ago as he believed Nipper was DJing at the other side of the car park.
"Hamburger and Chips" he said holding up a signed photo of Dance Energy presenter Normski.
"what" I replied somewhat narkily as anyone who has tried to converse with the ripped to the tits can empathise with.

"Hamburger and Chips, Dance music man, Like I met Normski and I said to him, Dance music is like Hamburger and Chips, Its like British - chips and American - Hamburger and when you have them together its like Hamburger and Chips - or house music, like we are in Stafford listening to Chicago house from stoke, Hamburger and Chips, Normski flipped out man"

"Oh OK" I said "Dempsey and Makepeace"

"No man" replied Clarkey "you don't fucking understand me man"

One man show

I will be performing my one man poetry show,
"say goodbye to the otters dean gaffney"
at the library theatre in november.
here is an excerpt...

The Otters, a photo hidden
The first the last my everything playing silently. Original
Tuff wine glass lamp.
Camera ear bud wallet council tax.
A cd A Cd a dvd
A rose
or at least a red flower with power from the floor.
I see with my laser goggle through sky.
I pods in case and shades of blue light.
and the letters of the alphabet half hidden from view.
Will the mouse eat them up.
Do you want two types of revenge
Or will the dust settle.

The End


Or, is it possible to stick your own head up your arse in the name of "art".

Or what does your computer look like?

Not one to say do you remember but..

I always have a vague memory of the boy who sold his laughter, everytime i mentioned it people looked blank. I used to think the theme was ace, and the story was off its tits and really badly dubbed and it used to make germany look very cool, green police cars, better sportswear and all that.

Well I used to occasionally google it and come up blank.
That is until my girlfriend started singing the little mouse with clogs on song, so as a treat I looked for the MP3 of the proper song, A windmill in old amsterdam by Ronnie Hilton.

Looking I stumbled accross this site

http://my.opera.com/xyzcosmonaut/blog/?startidx=510

which not only had links to download this song on some kiddies song album, but also an extensive set of links to other cheesy kids music including the star wars christmas album feat a young Jon Bon Jovi singing with R2D2 and
the music to Timm Thaler, the boy who sold his laughter. Now normally I am disappointed by my memories, I could never afford the right clothes, my parents had no car, I was allways the sub and never the star player etc etc, but not this time, my memory remembered a good one and the music is as haunting and scary and mysteriously german as it was in my imagination.
ow to hunt down the dvd at the right price.
Yay! A Quest

More 70's Throwbacks

70's throwbacks continue with this white dog shit I found on the pavement. Does anybody remember the 70's they had sweets like pacers and childrens tv etc. benny hill ha ha etc. they used to put ash in the dog food etc.....I am a bore and my brian is small.

Is it the full stops.
no,
Is it the commas.
No
Well fuck you

Northern Quarter reveals

They are doing up the northern quarter, every time they renovate an old building it reveals a secret. I found a poster for top flight wreste mania, wont be there long.

Bank

2007 Ok so it is a non descript year. In fact it's the type of year to make you give up resolutions. Yet, Something strange is afoot. Have you seen it. Up and down every high street in the land. It's not those swishy new LED "Open" signs that you see everywhere, god that would be me beating myself up, no it's different. It is not the DFS sale now entering its 15th year of people without socks draping themselves over shoddily built 3 piece suits, nor is it the vague sexual threat of the eastenders spandau ballet dood asking us to get down on it with vague menace at SCS, that would be normal early year fare, nor is the strange shebang this shit winter, I mean shit as in, no snow, no ice, no falling over, no ruining shoes with that white line that you hope is salt, ,no old people dying, no cold just annoying amounts of rain, and not even cold rain, shit rain, wet rain, that wont stop, ever, that means you have to invent new terms for the rain like Druke.

No the strange afoot, if that is indeed an adjective (help I am a foot...does not work)is a new kind of sale. From banks. Yes read that back again, no not for the poor I want to fuck Lynne Truss I hope she notices me i am a bad boy, style grammar of having a sentence that says "From banks." No the weirdness is the fact that I am writing about a
Sale. now. on. at. HSBC....Barclays, Nat West or whatever. HSBC are even saying its a green sale.

Now don't get me wrong, I would be one of those twats you see running into Harrods with his elbows out having camped over since christmas eve, ready for the first sale, if those crazy banks had £10 notes going for £7 quid but that can't be right, I mean the printing the advertising the whole notion of a loss leader to get customers through the doors does not work at banks, so I beg, what the fuck is going on.

Well they want your debt the banks, that's why they give you so much cash, the cunts, unless you are poor, then you can fuck off and we will charge you to everytime you go 1p overdrawn in the morning as you needed some electricity and your giro was due in the afternoon.
Well fine the banks are cunts, that's why it takes 10 days for anything to clear, and people are striking back now by taking them to court over their extortionate charges for more on this look at http://www.bankactiongroup.co.uk/.
So they now have to pursue the stupid people hell for leather. The banks are like Vegas, you might be able to hit them for a few quid, and if you do they will treat you like a king until you fuck up then you are theirs, the house wins, so next time you walk past one and you see a Sale sign, and even if they say they will plant a tree, if you get a loan to buy a fucking giant motorised mince pie or whatever you want to piss your money on, bear this in mind. It is a bank, they are having a sale on, jesus that's wrong, I mean in my day they tried to get me hooked by giving me a sports bag some stickers, a special bank themed version of number one magazine and a Halo James cassette, yes I too was stupid so smell the roses, and be a little smart arse like me and see beyond the advertising.

All those arms

All those arms making super noodles
Strugling with the packet
opening them and putting them in a pan
boiling the water.
Would they not be better just searching for that thing called love?

What a plank the world cup turns you into.

Earlier this year i seriously thought about writing a world cup song.
I aborted it after the first draught, just re read it, and it seems bizarrely optimistic.

You've got to run away
It's time to turn the other cheek
The guys that start the fires, are always the first to leave
but this year I do believe.

They say there's no surrender
but they do not speak for you or me
we have the lion on our sleeve
and this year, yes, I do believe

Chorus
I believe in engerland
I believe in having fun
I believe in 4 4 2
I believe in loving you

Todays our shining day
for the engerland are away
on the summer of their lives
and not like in footballer wives

Chorus
I believe in engerland
I believe in having fun
I believe in 4 4 2
I believe in loving you

so when it comes to the nity grity
Sven don't say its a pity
say your boys done us proud
and sing for the engerland loud

Chorus
I believe in engerland
I believe in having fun
I believe in 4 4 2
I believe in loving you

I exagerate

Bez,
I say Bez, the truth is this,
I was walking through town, down a side street, headphones on maximum,
on the verge of nearly singing when from nowhere this Silver Beetle
screams past with its stereo pumping. I noticed the driver was Bez,
the mondays version of Cressa, anyway I nearly jumped out of my skin.
End of story.

It was not the end of the story though, as I walked along the backstreet with its narrow pavements it became, "That man is a cock, if I had stood in the road
he could have run me over" so when I recounted the story to my girlfriend later that evening it was not, I jumped out of my skin when a car came past, it became Bez tried to run me over. Now I am not a liar, so I rephrased it and explained the whole thing again where he just made me jump.

Fast forward a day or two, I am walking down the same alleyway with headphones on full blast, nearly singing along and there is some wet cardboard on the floor, it looks like it smells of piss, so I walk on the road briefly, In my head I get a vision of Bez coming up behind me, beeping his horn. I start to think what an absolute cunt Bez is, and I decide that if indeed that did happed I would give him the finger and call him a cunt. In fact I was sure that is what I would do as he drives like a goon.

I get to the bus stop and I am still angry with him and replay the imagined incedent in my head, and decide that I might actualy get a bit nervous calling him a cunt, it's not exactly Dorothy Parker, so I decide instead that I should call him a yanky toothed bastard, as he has just had a tooth job, but he might not get that, so I resigned myself to calling him, tooth cunt, not ellegant but to the point.

I then got on the bus and thought hang on, this never happened, i just had a two minute bit of anger for something that never happened, and you know whose fault it is, yes, Bez's for nearly running me over the yanky toothed cunt.

X factor

The x factor is a pile of shit, I am skint at the moment so have spent a few saturday evenings in, signing this petition will hopefully help those big wigs over at ITV1 to improve it.

Yes a Sigur Ros themed X Factor.

Its Genius all the singers can warble till their harts are content.

Sign the petition at

http://www.petitiononline.com/jamjam23/petition.html

Cheers

Aborted Projects

John Box needs a rucksack

Terry and Juniper

Snacktime for Josie

Many a mickle makes a spaceman

Batmobiles and Bassoons a history

The Guinness book of world Cd's

The upside down philatelist

Fatal Embalmer

Shrub Equaliser

Sprig Sprogs Spring roll Show

Abbey hey zoo watch

Fireworks over Cleethorpes

A fistful of air bricks

Sparrow my aunt

Juicy mints hobby house

Railway dreams for pinky

Jelly Whiskey

A bigger room than I imagined

Chislehurst woodchippers chisel show

Brown brick hat veranda

Sky Pen and Bob Racket do Derby

Last of the supervalue wine

Coolio and Julio
Coolio and Julio Isglasias solve crimes with hip hop rhymes blunts and lovin'

a do do do a da da da thats all i want to say to you

The most offensive thing I could do.
I had to do.
Rhyme do with do
but why do.

I said I had to do do
but I did not have to do do
I think I wanted to do do
As I know you should not do do

It makes this poem do do
doing this do
by over using do
its just not to do.

so if you are doing a speech at a do
or explaining that a verb is to do
here is what to do....
know there is no such thing as the right thing to do.

Then you are done

I went to London on Friday

It was shit.

Drunken Rant - Shops

I got drunk and started talking to my computer.
Sorry

Thank you JD, I have grown emotionaly and I think I love you all lets all hug

Thank You JD

I like Scrubbs. Its funny, it dont give a shit. It is sureal and nasty, kooky and crazy, but why oh my lord why do I hate it so much. There is a simple answer, the program is about 25 minutes long and it is not scared of showing its characters as nasty self absorbed w@ankers, all that matters is the jokes keep coming even if it does involve the death of a nice character or incompetence by one of the leads, yes hooray well done America you get what is funny and you are brave enough to do it, thats what is funny etc.

You have probably twigged by now that something is wrong here, yes one of the funniest, even in its predictability, sitcoms of the last few years always ruins its self in the last five minutes. To the extent that my girlfriend has banned me from watching it as she says I always tutt and shout at the tv in the last 5 minutes and am then in a bad mood for ten minutes afterwards. Yes those sacharine family valued and moral messages about doin the right thing, straight from the huxtables in the cosby show, get slammed down my face and I want something i never wanted from the cosby show, I want all these charactres to die. A voiceover by JD while playing all the characters in slow motion realising the error of their ways and how to improve as people to a soundtrack by fiona apple is shit, shit, shit, and all i want for the last 5 minutes is for all the characters to realise the important things in life, like getting a suicide club together, buying a malfuntioning grenade to share at a party, walking under a ladder near the zoo after the monkeys have discarded their bananas on the floor whilst drunk on pernod or drowning in smug juice. Argghhhh! Just something to make them dead or shut up.

This is why the american version of the office is the best american sitcom on TV.

Things that I think are the same but aren't

Just a quick list

The Theme to Superman and The Theme from Star Wars
(hum one then the other...its hard isn't it)
Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio
U2 and Coldplay
People with Downs Syndrome
Butlins and Pontins
Every Hollywood comedy film I have seen this year (not funny and cue the emotion its fix you by coldplay)
New Labour and Camerons Tory's
local news
the mail and the express
toilet rolls
tetleys tea and beer
double and king size
tunnocks tea cakes and tea cakes
a harp and a harpsichord
pat nevin and hue & cry
deaf and blind people
hamsters and guinea pigs
Philippa Forester and Sophie Aldred
Diet coke and coke zero
Diet Pepsi and Pepsi Max (see above)
Phil Jupitus and Kevin Davies
Tie Rack and the sock shop
newcastle upon tyne and newcastle on lyme
betty boop and betty boo
Robbie from eastenders and tyrone from coronation street
ships and yaughts
rap and hip hop
hale and pace
newspapers weekend magazines
metal bands
porn and erotica
Scissor sisters and Leo Sayer
buses and coaches
poems and short stories
wires
debit card and credit cards
pornography and art
pants and trousers
terrorism and war
add your own

weev been boumed

It bagan with a walk. a veery shart walk.
That daaay, when the spellinling bro owke.
It wes supposad to be a sheduleeed out age
butt it larsted a lif time. A hole generashion lost all abileaty
to spell. Shake'a'spear wa signored aswad a hole genrashion ov teh grate riters.
english ad evolved. evan text speke ad gon.
Wen I got bak from me walk, kids cowld only wathe there fones ateach over.
they had last the able ity ta ethen rad numers.
twas licky i is a poet and diddd net get kawt in tha mayne burts ov nukler boomm.
so iv u need sum cleaver cloggs and shist soing and tthart cuntakt meeee and i whill elp ya, has tha nex genurashion need dare storyers toad.

are sosy-yetti now as an aural speakage vat we need to shaar §o iv dare is any1 helse out thare pleeees elp us till are storie.

The sickness of green spitty chesty infections the podcast

Written early in the year when I had flu, or a cold. I have recorded it in my best phoning in sick at work voice, ie not very good which is why I hardly ever phone in ill.

Pete Doherty's Dream

Pete Doherty's dream, I wondered what Pete Doherty out of babyshambles nightmares smelled like so I made this.

Spellink in it

Spelling on a bloge can make you seem stupid even if you are not. I mean honestly, who has the time to spell check? Nobody thats who. That is why I recomend that if the spelling on your page or bulletin is a crock of turd you add the enclosd picture. It will automatically propel you from thick Joey who cant spell to a slightly brighter person who you suspect has a bigger mental capacity than the dumbkoff in the picture.

Aim low, its the internet.

PS I searched for Eamon pictures and there are loads of photo's of him like this one, do you think he watched Napoleon Dynamite, erm hang on its Eamon Holmes he probably watches carry on films on a loop in his downtime.

Snooker Loopy

I wore my waistcoat I had my blue chalk and all you wanted to do was say the balls were an expression of my desire for debauchary and acceptance. I bent over to pot a red and it was my desire to re-unite with my father, when I screwed back onto the black it was my fear of acceptance and the only cure was to drink a shot and go out of the pool hall and hug the first stranger I saw. My top break in frame one of 32 symbolised my reluctance to confront my fear of flying which in return made my "self love" a manic reflection of my own prejudice's.
Tell you what though Raj Prussad, its the last time I play snooker with you you fucking bendy mind botherer.

BP

Right Oil companies, they cant be cuddly and they will always be unpopular so what do BP do. Yes that's right they have vox pops, with people saying stupid unthought out mental ramblings, there is one on at the moment where the woman says "if we can put a man on the moon..." Let me stop that sentence right there,
1/ Who the fuck are these people, are they real? are they actors? Well it does not matter as we all know they are cretins which probably means they are ordinary Joes as we are all that stupid, but most of us wont do it on the telly to sell oil. So if you get approached by a film crew here is what to do.
1. Do not start the sentence "if we can put a man on the moon..." all this means is you associate landing on the moon with the future, you have no real knowledge other than its that big silver thing in the sky. add anything to the end of that sentence and it will sound dull,
examples if we can put a man on the moon...surely we can invent a moth repelling lightbulb/spinny eye machine/crisps that do not crumble in the bag, actualy the last one should be possible, science bastards get on to it!

2. Talk for ages get it off your chest, but whatever happens do not give them permission to use it, telly is not special, they are just underpaid wannabes so taunt them they are all quite thick, be cleverer than them dont be a sheep and nevr give them your real name.

I am bored of this rant you should be too youre not stupid and yes I have realised the irony.

Poor Paul

Paul had never been an Eagle but today was his chance, he grasped the special vimto lolly that had been dropped in the secret bin pod by Mr Debenham the famous confectionery scientist.
Paul placed it under his arm and began to fly, fly like an eagle all the way to the very top of the trafford centre squaking at all the passers by with that Seal song in his head.
The passers by looked on bemused, I bet they are thinking "a bald eagle in trafford it must have escaped" thought Paul slightly worried that he was capable of such a thought with his small bird brain. The flight was strenuous though, and Paul had exerted himself so much that the lolly began to melt into his feathers and became all sticky, he tried to remove it and it was with a crash that he landed dead on the car park floor his flip flops still stuck to the ledge on a piece of discarded sticky vimto lolly.

My travel

I came to Australia yesterday, it was a right nightmare.
I had to get the plane at 7am so that meant setting off at 4am.

So I got the train to the airport and got to the terminal with a two hours to spare.
I checked my bags in and the woman, and if you are reading Alison Bourne, yes it is you, accused me of having a fake passport, yes like I can fake them, so I had to spend the next hour being asked all sorts of silly questions, they phoned my mum and two people from work it was a fucking disgrace. Anyway, thanks to that stupid woman and her crazy notion I nearly missed my flight and people I know got woken up with threatening phone calls so thank you Alison Bourne.

Anyway I touched down (is that what you say) about an hour ago and just had to get that off my chest.
The journey was fine the food a delight, qantas do nice fish if you want to know.
Right I am off need to get my flight to Cairns and I wont need a fucking passport.

Dont believe a word I say

I was a tree

I was a tree with roots and branches and when it rained my toenails grew.
I was a remote control and when i was left by the back of the couch I read teletext.
I was a compact disc in a jewel case but I could not stand the music when i was played.
I was a Shop with a door and things to buy and in the sales I would feel bad.

When I was a tree the birds were my friends
When I was a remote control I wished people would walk to the tv
When I was a compact disc I just wished I was a vinyl album with gatefold sleeve
When I was a Shop I just wished I was the pub.

So all the things I have been and all the things I was
I always wanted to be a weather man but I never knew I was.

mainly cloudy with a high of 22c

If only 74 knew 13 I would be on top but I resign

There is a silence. It is not golden. It's the silence when all the electricity has gone. Not saying that we were not spontanious. I mean it is the silence you only know is truly silent when everything around it is gone. That is where we are now and it can not go on. I only want to do good things and I know that can not happen all the time. I can't be bad,I can't perpetuate your lies or play things politically, I perform tasks, but I am a thinker a drifter an artist, trouble is there is not much call for them, unless you count all my friends, they are the same as me which makes us all so individual, only we have nothing to sell but the freedom of our souls and that is not for sale. So what do we do, do we drink and fuck and screw. No we bicker and worry and get depressed as everytime we touch those stars we remember these are our stars in our room and we have not seen the stars the other people see as we think we know where those are, so we never reach we just sit and look complacent and complicit in the destruction through snobbery of their system, which is our system only we failed it and changed the rules to avoid the truth.

Shall I start a band, that all my friends in bands will see. Shall i paint a picture that no one can buy, write a poem no one can understand, publish a magazine to get in for free or shall I admit I am in a clique.

I resign.
Jared Kington

Back to the point for this is it, I would rather this world I do understand and fail in, than experience the silence in yours.

Festibee

A techno procession of lights
wine poured straight from a grape
A future as told by electric bees
march as one to the pavillion of truth
harness his powers as he does battle
the battle of wits from....old globes.
Illuminated by candles of truth
formed by drunk bees, honey turning to solid wax
on and on and on and off again
the pilot lights of d-doom attack
but I am light I am the sunshine
at 4 am I burn your skin
it can't float in like that
there must be a beep or a wasp flight
yellow black like a hazzard
a jar being slapped with a metal stick
water fills the metal to produce art
and still you dance and dance.

Its time for tea, drink it up
lick the dew on my canvas
I paint late at night,
just enough to catch the breeze
and watch the moth the ugly butterfly.
put your shoes on and dont tie the laces
stick them in your socks and march
the cold cold night of a hot swimmer day.
X
a summer day
a saturday

Make a promise
it wont ever stop
we will be able to lie and look
look up look down
scream out stay proud
watch nothing say nothing and still be the same
we understand.

then we hear the buzz, its a new bee
off to see.....tomorrow.

The award goes to.....

I have often thought of giving awards, when things work better than they should or are just so good as to make me think they deserve one, these are my awards from this weekend including that tragic day when we were knocked out of the world cup.

Best Elgar/Pet Shop Boys moment.

The football finished surrounded by people who did not seem to care, Gary Linekar said goodbye, The England have been knocked out montage came on Numb by the Pet Shop Boys playing along to lots of missed pens and slow motions of John Terry crying.
I Stared manfuly at the TV trying to stay composed, then in the distance booming across the street, came Elgars Nimrod at top volume, a little lump in my throat and the sadness turned to joy, the joy that I knew that would be a moment I would not forget.


Best Soundtrack Oscar to a Nick Hornby film - Badly Drawn Boy.

Thanks Damon, now every time that song comes on or it is in my head as an earworm I start Narrating my life in Hugh Grants voice.
"Walking to work through the northern quarter, 2 Units" "Drinking in Big Hands 5 units."
"Its the people that matter"...and so on the more pretentious it is the better it seems, what is wrong with me for fucks sake!


Best TV advert for a sing a long- Honda - The Impossible Dream

Its subtle and I like that, it makes them look like they think people might be clever enough to understand why he changes from a bike to a speedboat, good lusty sing a long showtune from Man from La Mancha too.
You can't beat a showtune*

Best Lightening
The blast that struck a 100 metres from me as I was stood on a stool with my head out of the window checking on my drains. Made me jump and dislodge my net curtains.

Stupid award for being an annoying twat.
Downloading the frosties , it's gonna taste great tv advert, and saving it as an mp3 on my phone and trying to blue tooth it to people when I am drunk.

Best Snaffle
The man who leaned over the counter at big hands on friday took a large bottle of spirits and just left, despite me shouting "Someones snaffled some booze" like the big grass I am (it's my local you look after it) no one heard me properly and all people shouted back was " A pint of Tetleys". I don't even drink bitter.


* Yes I do like show tunes and will young, and crap rom com's there is nothing wrong with that it is very manly, OK. grrr!
"it's ganna tast great its gonna taste great I can hear the frosties hittin' my plate!"

There is an Irish love song there somewhere,
the one where your familly are your friends
and biting off more than you can chew
will be the death of you

And then 50 years later the melancholy
envelops you as you settle down to brews
looking at the fields of your life
grazing in the paddock of your mind.

Someone once wrote

When you travel to your field
remember me well well
it was not my idea to bu an allotment
of the soul, my familys moved,

no no no

No no no no no no

World Cup

Ok I am pissed. I just watched the world cup matches tonight and quafed a superb amount of wine but I need this question answered, why the fuck ITV why the fuck. You are notoriously shit at the football, big games everyone turns away and tunes into bbc one but for some reason you think its because your presenters do not have the gravitas. The real reason is because any opportunity you go to an ad-break and you finish the program too quickly. Admittidley your pundits are pretty poor, but no worse than the beeb and you do not have Gary "I am too busy thinking of a weak pun to ask a proper question of Hansen so he can whitter on and talk slowly to everyone else" Linekar but for fucks sake do not put Steve Ryder in our faces, I can tolerate his "I have a parting" dullness but everytime I speak I think he is about to say "this could be Colin Montgomery's big chance to win a major/Rhona Cameron and the rest of the curling team will be watching with baited breath". He is Doogie Donnely without the accent, a man who things its dangerous to put his CDs on random, Alan Partridge without the post ironic glee. In short an analy retentive wank stain. Why ITV why do you promote this schmuck when you have Gabby, a normal woman, a woman who 99.9% of blokes watching would shag if it was not for the slightly broad shoulders, who understands the game, asks the right questions of the panel and frankly does not distract from the game with bizare personality flaws. Especialy during this wold cup where every right thinking football fan wants rid of their own personal Steve Ryders, the ametuer fan who only comes out at the big tornement, takes up all the room during the communal watching, shouts the loudest but never shows for the rest of the season.
Gabby, I respect ya, Lineker and Ryder, fuck off back to your travel lodge.

Rant over not sure how much sense that made.
PS.
World Cup Dream Pundit/Commentator lineup.
Host - Gabby Logan
Commentator. Motty
co-Commentator Gavin Peackock
Red Button - Steve Claridge and Steve Bunce
Pundit 1. Big Sam (tactics)
Pundit 2. Martin O'Neil (Weirdness)
Pundit 3. Toss up between Jack Charlton and Che Nevile

Roving Reporter James Richardson

Plus Leonardo.....for the Ladies ding dong elbow in the face

My Big Gay Day

12.00
Watched last nights big brother in bed cheering when the sezer got booted out (gay number 1) followed by bitching about davina and russel brand both being (former) dirty smack abusers (Gay number 2)
14.00
Got out of bed and went for breakfast with my girlfriend not realising the football was on (gay number 3)
15.00 Went charity shopping bought its raining men by the weather girls on 7" (gay number 4)
16.00 Went to town to meet my ex housemate and her two girlfriends, got off the bus as i saw some devine chairs in a junk shop and just had to by them (gay number 5)
(my new chairs I got 3)

17.00 Got to town to drink tea with the three girls (gay number 6)

18.00 Went to big hands drank more tea and made excuses to leave as I wanted to watch Dr Who. (gay number 7 and 8)

20.20 Started writing a blog as I am staying in (gay number 9)

The war at home

It was not the broken tank, or the dreams that were shattered that day, it was the hope that maybe one day, those little ones that escaped would be able to walk up to me with pride and say, tell us about our conception daddy.

Now what was left? Two dead goldfish a broken tank, some blood,a miniature treasure chest, a paramedic removing the glass from Delia's crack and water mixed with semen and waterweed, all over the floor, and the carpet! The carpet that I saved up for. The carpet that I picked from thousands upon thousands in a book in carpetright, ruined.
All in three seconds flat.
I implore you good people, do not fuck on a fishtank.

Interview with Eric Rommelschmitt 4.08

Secret tape of an interview with former East German secret Policeman Eric Rommelschmitt

How many things can I drop on my toe or have it stood on.

I hurt my toe, I dropped a roll of A0 Paper on it. Now can you guess how many times people have either dropped stuff on or stood on my toe by accident since I hurt it? At least 3 people a day.
Can you guess how many times anyone did in the 5 years since I last had something wrong with my toe. Yes that's right zero.

Why oh why etc.

Paul Gambaccini Said

Paul Gambaccini said you are the new george orwell
Paul Gambaccini said your records wont sell
Paul Gambaccini said roll over beethoven
Paul Gambaccini said fuck you fuck yer mama

There was a feather

There was a feather floating past the window
It looked like it neded a hug.
So I plucked it out of the air and put it in my hat.
A man came up to me and asked if I dealt.
I said I played cards
So he invited me to his house and started to play poker
He said hold em, so I grabbed his cards off him,
he asked me to leave.

Bus

So the bus arrives and I am like so ready to get on, and it stops and everything and this woman who was stood behind me gets on first, I dont mind as the bus stopped right near her but I am a bit peeved with the whole principle of it. Then she gets to the driver and asks "how much to town" I pay with a weekly pass so I try to flash it and brush past but the lady has got the drivers eye. So I wait with my ticket in hand as its rude just to walk on. Anyway the woman is asking how much to town and the driver says its £1.10, a normal person would have, while they were at the bus stop, maybe got out 2 quid or so in change and have it in their hand ready for getting on, not this woman, no no no.

Anyways the driver looks up and I walk on and sit down while this woman searches her bag for her purse. Now anyone who is not normal would at least have their purse to hand, but oh no no no not this bitch. her purse is right at the bottom of the bag, anyway she finds her purse and then says, how much, for fucks sake is this woman insane, the driver says £1.10 and the woman goes "right yeah", so she opens her purse and looks for her money, I can clearly see a fiver and gold coins possibly pound coins, but oh no she has too use her coppers, so she is paying out putting her money in the tray and I am going mad, she eventualy pays and makes her way to her seat and the bus just sits there for ten minutes while the driver trys to put all the shrapnell in the right compartments. Eventually we set off, and stop at every bus stop as its rush hour now. We even stop at the bus stop before I get off, where no one was getting on or off and the driver reads his paper for ten minutes, I originally think someone must be coming down the road, but no there is no one there, everybodys ears on the bus are steaming but no one says owt, they just sit there while the driver has a wank in the daily star, then just as I decide to ring the bell as I realise I could have walked to my stop twice over at least and because I am more pissed off with the driver than the stupid woman he sets off without even using the bus lane so I get stuck in normal traffic too.

So I am in the meeting with personel trying to explain why I am late and all I can say is that the bus can be a tad unreliable in the morning, when what I mean is its because of stupid cunts, but apparently that looks shit on an appraisal. Then again appraisals is another story.

Add your own swears to the list

I am bored so tried to write a nice story to pass the time, the first two lines sparked me into trying to write some good swears?
Add your own in the reply, the more offensive the better!!

"Shit the boat, It's May"

"Porky aunts you are right"

"Well I have never slipped one to a vicar but I know how they feel"

"Jigger my flaps"

"Jelly fuck toast"

"Saw me in two and crap in the hole"

"Your sisters gastric blister"

"You god damn god damner"

"You're online but you cant remember your fucking password"

"do me a lemon you giraffe"

"I would not shit on you if i was kinky"

"sit on my futock"

"garrote my nads"

"You ain't got a rope to cunt with"

"I would not piss on you if I was on fire"

"portillo"

"member of parliament for knobhead and dickwad"

"you're so fat you would eat cancer pie if it had sugar on"

"you've not got knob cheese, it's knob butter you churn that much"

"I would rather kiss my shit the bed mess"

"it is not small it's just you have a bucket fanny"

"if it smells fishy you've fucked it"

"he bats for the football team"

"salty jazz rubber"

"ever been to fuck off you cunting cuntsville"

"my favorite dj is spin on this"

Ricky Gervais

Hmm, he has gone. It was good while it lasted but I fear
he has gone straight up his own arse.
"Americans do this brilliant and that good and this and brits are scared of a challenge".
Remember Eric Idle, and no spamalot the musical is not a forward step.

Bad Joke I made up

Tetley are to bring out a new tea with an oo in it,
like Typhoo gives you an oo, its called Tetleyoo.

PG tips brought one out a couple of years ago with an oo in it but it did not go so well they called it Poo G Tips.

Its not funny is it.

Thats fucked up the sitcom I was going to write.

Photoshop for Dummies

When my mind wanders I tend to think, why do I waste so much time photoshoping? what would I look like as a woman? Then I thought why do I just not do it manually.

Eat what you want wonder diet

The Carbon neutral thing got me thinking
if I go on a plane they plant a tree to offset the carbon emissions caused by the journey.
What about calorie neutral?
Everytime I eat a kebab or some such garbage, I send a friend to the Gym to work off those calories so the world becomes calorie neutral.
It's the fucking future I swear!
I am going to be as big as (a house) Atkins,
I got this idea on 06 April 2006 so no copying and making tons of money from stupid fat people ok.

Stories for reading on the toilet

There was a man in a ten pin bowling tornament. He was the underdog and he won
on the last pin against a really big favourite.


Two girls went on holiday met two blokes, one lost her virginity the other one just talked with the bloke and was a bit embarressed as she did not fancy hers much.

There was a train going from Luton to Milton Keynes and it was late.
Apparentley it was a knock on effect from an earlier delay.

A guy went for a job interview at the London eye. He was nervous and fucked it up. He still got the job and works on the ticket booth.

A plumber fixed a tap that was leaking, he changed the washer.

Five estate agents were sat on the same table, however it was no coincidence as it was the office christmas party.

One day I bought some glue.

This tuesday I went to burger king, it did not look as clean as McDonalds but it tasted nice.

The butcher thought the bacon slicer was not broken so he made no attempt to fix it, turns out there was a bit of plastic stuck in it.

A french language student from Darwin went to Paris and spoke in french all weekend, she could not really come to grips with the French youths use of slang.

Dog walked into starbucks, the barista ushered it out and it went away, the Barista mentioned it later in a phone call to her mum.

John Livingston answered mainly B's when he did his girlfriends quiz in womans own. It meant he had a great need to be romanced by his/her lover.

I have an honest face

The 36 bus went under a bridge and it was too low, the top deck got ripped off. It was in all the papers.

Danny Baker was in somerfield wearing a cap once, its true I read it in heat.

Mike Barnes once put a CD in the wrong side up, he was not stupid it was a cd rom, he thought it might happen so when it did not play he ejected it and turned it over.